Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Achey Breaky Stone Cold Heart

Everyone is gone.

My cute mom. My rock star brother. My crazy sis-in-law.

And the boyz.

Half the boyz are gone!

Do the math. That's 50%, peeps.

That means I've dropped to the 50th percentile when it comes to fruit snack and powdered sugar doughnut consumption.

And my living room floor is empty. It's nothing but a floor now.

And I'm nothing but a floor now. An empty empty floor.

In fact this would be a very good time for someone to walk all over me if they so desired.

I'm so lonely I could cry.

No, I'm so lonely I could die.

What am I supposed to do now?

Besides this:

What will get me out of bed every morning?

Besides this:

Most importantly, who will clean up after me? And who will do my laundry?

When the airport security ripped me out of the arms of my loved ones my eyes began sweating so profusely that my husband handed me some deodorant and said, "Where's your stone cold heart when we need it?"

And when my daughter asked me if her tennis uniform had been washed yet my husband had to reach for the deodorant again.

How should I know if her tennis uniform has been washed?


I ate breakfast on the couch because I couldn't bear the empty chairs and empty tables.

(Well, empty except for this):

I ate lunch at my computer because I couldn't stop looking at these:

But then as I looked and looked and looked it began to dawn on me that my rock star brother and his family are kinda weird.

I can't put my finger on it but something is not quite right about them.

See what I mean?

And anyway, my rock star brother isn't very nice. Look what he did to my son:

Just because my son did this to his son:

He's just a kid.

Who needs them anyway?

I'm kinda glad they're gone.

My husband is right--my stone cold heart really does come in handy sometimes.


Lynita Rogers said...

Hillarious!!! Who are these CRAZY CRAZY fools. I'll betcha they're from Utah!

Anjeny said...

Awwww Crash. I can totally relate with you, having a house full of relatives one moment and the next they are gone.

Looks like your brother and his family had fun visiting you guys. But did your brother actually wear long jeans and socks to the beach? Did you NOT give him the proper beach attire? ahahah.

Well, now that they are gone, maybe we can have you back, fulltime? lol.

Oh and what's with the deodorant? Are you sniffing that now instead of whip cream?

Julie said...

There's nothing better than family!

And even though it's crazy BUSY when they're visiting... it's crazy LONELY when they're gone!

Been there, done that...

SWIRL said...

your brother spent most his vacay- playing basketball with all those boys! I can' t believe you have any photo's of them at the beach or inside the house..

I guess it takes someone from out-of-town to appreciate the weather we have.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

awwww-it looks like you guys had so much fun. I bet they are missing you just as much.
Sorry... & so jealous you miss your Mom so much. It is the opposite here when she goes :) Oooh- that was mean, but true :)

kel said...

Hi, new here! Followed you over from Overstuffed! Nice to meet ya! I love your blog!

I am LoW said...

Now I feel bad for wishing they would hurry and leave. So sorry. :(

Hey, the rock star brother is a different brother than the apostate brother? I am assuming, b/c he's REALLY cute, and apostates can't be that cute, can they? ;-)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Ah, I'm sorry you miss (or don't miss) them.

They are kinda weird. Except your mom, she rocks.

I hope your stone cold heart melts soon, maybe into a nice ice cream float.

springrose said...

Ok, so don't think I am weird but I see famous people in normal people. Does that make sense? Like the guy at the gym that comes in about 3 times a week. When he walks in he looks like your average Joe. But then he takes off his glasses and fluffs his natural wavy brown hair and all of a sudden from the side he looks like Dr. McDreamy! So I think in that picture on the ride or what ever it is your brother kind of looks like Michael Phelps!! Seriously this is comeing from the person who in college thought her Bishop of the student ward looked just like a Eskimo Dog!! He did and once I told people they agreed with me. So enjoy your rockstar Olympiam brother!!

DeNae said...

Your brother looks like Michael Phelps? Are you just going to take that, Crash? Cuz I'm thinking old Rock Star Bro has just sustained an ego-threatening dis from 'springrose'. Michael Phelps indeed.

If I were you, I'd take the names of every student who had the pelotas to give you papers to grade while you were trying to play with your family and flunk 'em all for gross insensitivity. Then run those papers through a shredder, grab a towel and a big box of Kleenex, and head down to the beach for a melancholy meander down memory lane.

T said...

my family deserted almost a full week ago - and my house is still in recovery mode!

and yeah - now I see the Michael Phelps resemblance... just so long as he didn't inhale right?

Melanie J said...

You know what this post doesn't make me miss? Grading stacks of English essays. So glad that's over for at least ten years. Blech.

lori said...

crash, you had me crying and laughing! Good luck grading all those papers!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I think your brother and his family are kinda cute--esp. that young blonde kid. He could melt my stone cold heart forever.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I hate the day after a bunch of relatives come. They get to eat your food, fill you with wonderful memories, destroy your house and FLOOR, and then LEAVE...and you're left to pick up after...

I loved all the pics!

Sandi said...

Sorry you have to face all those papers..ugh. maybe they will be really entertaining and melt your stone cold heart. It looks way more fun to get a piggy back ride the rock star's back, or laugh at your sis in law who fell out of her chair or watch the Tongan show or go on a canoe ride......great pics! p.s. whats up with all the pregnancy announcements in your sidebar? I hope it's not contagious, you might have to take KK off of there!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha LYNITA! I can't believe you're here. It's almost like you're BACK!

Hey everyone, that's my crazy SIL.

Thank you everyone for your compassion. It truly is hard having such a crazy famdamily.

And thanks for your sympathy over the research papers too. I'm half insane myself right now after reading them for the past 24 hours. I have 5 left. I have to get them done by 3:30. WAAAAAAHHHH!

So happy to be back though!

Swirl, true THAT. I wish now I had taken photos of him playing ball with my boys.

I had never thought of the Michael Phelps connection, but you're right. ha ha. WOw, I have a Rockstar Olympian brother. I'm almost famous.

Emily, I hear ya. That's how I feel when I see photos of your dad entertaining your kids classes. sniff.


Ha ha LoW, my apostate brother is really cute too.

Andrea, you're brilliant. I wrote a post about how you inspired me with your ice cream float.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HI BLOKHEAD, Shelle, I miss you. I've already thought of my first post on you and Andream's venus/mars blog.

Sandi, ha ha I have missed you too, girlfriend. I have not yet noticed all the pregnancy? What the what? I better go check it out.

I (kinda) hope it's not contagious either.

April said...

Isn't it funny how families mess with our hearts like that. I think I need to go to Cold Stone Creamery to keep mine a little eyes are sweaty!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

OOOHHH April, I want to go with you to the Stone Cold Creamery.

Crash, maybe we can hang together with our stone cold hearts. But they are kind of heavy and very cold. I hate that part.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness Sandi,

You're right. Jami is preggos. And so is Nevada! Oh my goodness. I don't think they're April fooling us.

LoW was fooling us, but the rest seem serious.

Mariko said...

Doesn't that make the pile of papers look so much worse? Now you have to MAKE UP THINGS to distract yourself.
(Don't tell, I haven't even STARTED my homework yet.) I think my pile could slaughter your pile in a fight.
Let's let them do it. Then we'll have a good excuse.

jamigibb said...

Crash, I thought it best that you knew who to thank for your rockstar brother and crazy SIL coming to visit... that would be me, Jami, Lynita's favorite sister!! She said she was dying to get out of Utah and sobbed about how she never goes anywhere, (I'm sure you've heard it all before) I begged and pleaded for her to come see me, but somewhere in our coversation I mentioned that I had gotten cheap tickets to Hawaii for a nice little family vacation of my own, and well one thing led to another and she chose Hawaii over Canada!!! Typical!

Lynita told me I had to read your blog and I'm glad I did! Your Hillarious! So please excuse me for being that creepy little fly on the wall... with an intro like that who can stop reading!