Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My Decongestant Daze

I wasn't going to mention this, but I've been sick. Nothing big. Just a head cold. You know da kine. Da kine that leaves you feeling like that grandma who got run over by a reindeer.

I was going to stay home from church so I could lay in bed and blow my nose all day but I received word at 8:30 a.m. that it was up to me to teach the Miamaids what it means to support and sustain the priesthood--a topic for another post (perhaps about how the Young Women manuals haven't been updated since the middle ages).

I had to wing it BIG TIME and then distract them girls with some cookies (made by my friend's husband) and some girly talk about the new Zach Ephron movie 17 Again. Can you ever say enough about a cute 17 year old boy who promotes abstinence and tells a couple of glammed up smutty girls to R.E.S.P.E.C.T themselves.

Of course you can't say enough, especially when you're in a decongestant daze and you're trying to wing a lesson.

And anyway, that Zach Ephron! He's so cute. Now there's a boy I could tell my daughter to support and sustain.

But seriously, it's a slippery slope this topic. But it feels more like a long and winding road when you've got kleenex shoved up your nose.

Admittedly I wandered off topic. Just like I'm going to wander off topic here too.


You could say support is a lot like an onion--it's made up of many layers.

Or you could say support is a lot like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get.

Or you could say support is like a lot like love--it has 5 primary languages.

Lets just say, you can feed and clothe your kids. You can provide a safe, warm place for them to hang loose. You can drive them to every practice and show up at every game. You can sit in the front row and snap photos of their every performance. You can buy them a hundred books or a thousand Yugio cards or a million pogs, but don't miss a last minute, optional lunch-on-the-lawn at the elementary school or they'll accuse you of being unsupportive.

And don't poke them in the eye every time they bring home a stray rooster.

And don't ever ever ever say the word PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE after your daughter plays a tennis match, lest she races from the room with her hands over her ears screaming, "See why I don't tell you anything! YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME!!!!!!!"

Kids these days!

But our kids are just God's way of saying "Muwaaahahaaaa! Open wide! Wider! WIDER! Here comes a taste of your own medicine!"

I've dished those words out myself a hundred times to my hub after I tell him I want to quit working and cleaning and cooking so I can write all day long (and eat bon bons and drink Mountain Dew).

Poor guy. He tries, bless his heart. It's too bad my primary love language isn't That's-just-not-practical or Okay-but-we'll-have-to-tighten-our-belts.

But once in a while he does these cute things that make me feel little twinges. Like last week at the dentist.

He knows I envy him because his hygienist is coo coo for cocoa puffs. Mine doesn't notice the tears streaming down my cheeks while she bad mouths Old Navy and laughs about her favorite fish fillet commercials, but HIS! She's got a tooth loose somewhere in that noggin' of hers (and I'm not talking about her mouth).

So last week after my cleaning my hub was waiting anxiously for me in the hallway.

"Come 'ere," he said with his eyes as big as quarters. "I have to show you something."

He led me to his hygienist's room where several recent glossy 8X10 photos had been pinned up on the wall.

"Look. My hygienist just got back from Taiwan," he told me.

And I looked. And there she was lounging with a couple of tigers in a monastery. They looked as if they were discussing the pros and cons of celibacy.

Next to the photo of her cat in a hospital gown in a coma was a photo of her playing pick-up ball with a couple of arangatangs in yellow basketball shorts.

By the dental floss flo charts was a photo of her waving to the camera as if she'd just won Miss America, completely unaware that she had a ginormous albino boa constrictor hanging from her neck.

And near the photo of her dog in a dental chair getting his teeth flossed was a photo of a couple of elephants with paintbrushes perched in their trunks.

"They're painting their self portraits," my hub whispered with a grin.

"And see this picture here" he pointed to a picture of a lovely bouquet of flowers. "One of the elephants painted this for her."

I saw the painting with my own two eyes, peeps. I'm telling you, Monet's got nothin' on the Taiwanese elephants.

"Isn't this great!" My hub said.

And then he squeezed my arm. "I thought you'd love this stuff for your blog."

Suddenly I felt all flushed.

Now that's what I call support!


Martha said...

Are you kidding. I'm first. This is a first.

Chowder said...

Whaaaaaah? You LIKE Zac Efron?
Please let that be sarcasm, please......

And do all dentists enjoy talking to their patients when they happen to be sticking pointy, metal objects into their mouths? Just wondering.

Martha said...

So Josh & Rach want to stay home from school on Friday and support their bro and sis at May Day. When did those two ever support them before? Did they ever attend a single basketball game?

I told them no way, you just want to miss school. R says everyone in her class is going to May Day and that she will be the only one in school for sure. I decided I could maybe use this to my advantage and replied that if she listened and obeyed me until Friday I would let her go. Then I ranted on about how she never helps out and she messes up not only her room, but the entire house with all her crap. She then went to her room crying. Can you believe that? Instead of helping me with dinner she cried.

Hope your snotty nose gets better. When does T play anyway?

Chowder said...

Haha, Rachel sounds like me asking my parents to skip school and go to May Day. Good thing my parents AGREED, hm? Haha, just kidding Martha. You go.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Chowder, I didn't like Z. E. when he was 17 in High School Musical. But now that he's 17 again and he tells smutty girls to respect themselves, I want Tatum to marry him. ;)

And yes, all dental hygienests love to chat with you while they're poking around in your gums. You're a captive audience.

Martha, I think Zach might be the only kid in school on Friday. He says he has 3 tests. ha ha

Poor R. you NEVER support HER!

hee hee

iMaLLheaRt said...

Yay for your husband giving you material for your blog. nice!

and I would totally make sure ALL students are in school on Friday. Some teachers are doing tests! Why do they want to go? I know. To not go to school but can't they just watch a videotaping of it since the parentals are going to record it anyway? Boggles me brain! (Of course if I was a teacher and my child was participating, then I would take a personal day and go.)
ok sorry. the end.

iMaLLheaRt said...

oh and Zac Efron rocks in HSM and 17 Again. But that's just me.

I am LoW said...

You can totally see the Elephants painting their self portraits and a bouqet of flowers on youtube. It is amazing!

You wouldn't believe the stuff Gary recommends I put on my blog. I think he should start his own. And I don't know if I would read it.

And also, there is a little booklet that goes with the YW manual to update ot for today, a little something for each lesson.... like it'll say "You can compare this lesson to the new Zac Efron movie." hehe. Not really, but the updating booklet is really just common sense, so.... you know.

T said...

I guess I need to let the girl see 17 again since she thinks ZE is a "hottie" - she's only 7, but hey - at least she has good taste right?

The Hub must really be crushing if he's giving you blog ideas!

WV says dulismer - either you're dull or it has a mangled musical instrument!

Homer and Queen said...

Nothing worse than hana mizu running down your face! Hope you feel better and Z.E.? Maybe in the movie but not in real life!

Kristina P. said...

It's probably swine flu. I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like people die or anything. Oh.

SO said...

Hope your congestion gets better. And now I want to see 17 again and I'm even sadder I can't be there on July 11. What a true supporter your husband is.

robin said...

My husband is ALWAYS giving me material for my blog... but not on purpose. hahaha!!!

nevadanista said...

It's probably swine flu. I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like people die or anything. Oh.Hahaha! Kristina P always cracks me up :) But it's so not PC to call it 'swine' flu - doesn't Kristina know that? 'N1H1' is the non-discrimanatory against pigs way to say it.

Oh man, those YW lessons made me crazy ten years ago when I was an advisor. Can't imagine how crazy they'd make me now.

So glad my sister's folly made you laugh so hard :D

Now I have some catching up to do, cuz you blog like a freakin' mad woman!!!

Tiffany said...

Your hubs is so dang cute. I love when hubs read our blogs and love them. My husband talks to me about my blog all the time, it took years to get him excited about it but now he is and It feels like dating all over again.

OOh I love your music, and I can listen too it and write you, so fantastic.

Tiffany said...

oh yeah, and I hope you feel better soon. I have a cold too so I understand.

IWA said...

It seems like I'm constantly confessing to your comment box but I love Zach Efron.... My girlfriends and I took off on Friday night and with no children we all confidently chose to watch 17 again! It was Awesome! I felt like a teenager all over again!

Are you reading the 5 language of love?... one sunday i skipped out on RS and joined the hallway class and that was the topic of discussion...

Get better! Im high on dayquil myself! Sickness Sucks!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa I read the 5 love languages years ago so I'm an expert on it now. My love language is words of affirmation everyone! Words of affirmation is another way to say support. That's why it's been such an issue between me and my hub. My poor hub. He speaks physical touch. He could care less about words. Iwa, I love 17 again too! It was awesome!

Tiffany, that is exactly what I'm going through. My husband has never read anything I've ever written, unless I shove it under his nose. Then he might read half of it. I can't underestimate how weird it is to have him reading my blog every now and then. He's not yet completely addicted to Crash. I think he needs a little more physical touch for that. ;)

Nevada I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one pulling my hair out over the young women lessons. I know they haven't updated them from 10 years ago. Argh!

And yes, Kristina P. is stinkin' hilarious. AND always in politically incorrect fashion. That's why we love her so much.

ha ha Robin. Touche'

(Hey, what does touche' mean again?)

LoW are you serious? I am totally going to YouTube right now to find the elephants painting.

Smart Helm said...

That YW lesson manual and I don't get along... but then I try and remember that its not all about me. Well... at least YW isn't!

I also comfort myself with the thought that I only remember ONE YW lesson and that was because the teacher said something nice about me.

Hope u get better soon. YW and the dentist... the perfect post!

SWIRL said...

sorry you've been sick and you couldn't stay in bed.. and you had to teach YW... at least YW talk.

we've been sick too.. someone told me it was all the vog....but I thought you guys NEVER got sick.. I mean , what are the benefits to being married to a doctor??? He should give you the goods so you are NEVER sick! :0)

Hope you feel better.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I think blogging is a sixth language. So sweet your hub helping you, but why didn't you take pictures with your phone to blog with. Of course you paint pictures with words beautifully, I think even better than elephants with paint brushes. Did you see that episode of amazing race? It even had tigers with a one armed handler.

Rockstar said...

You are so funny. Hope you start feeling better soon. I dread weekends and when you are sick, because the blogs are less frequent.

btw, with my extensive experience in marriage and family therapy, I have decided to write a new book for men entitled, "The One Love Language."

Rock on.

Melanie J said...

Wow, support like that is even better than a Wonderbra. And believe me, my husband regularly tries to replace that, too. I'll avoid TMI, but his version of helping isn't as effective as the Wonderbra's.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Hey, lookie, I was reading your blog the same time you were reading mine. Again.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, Heidi. That's like Twilight Zone-ish! High Five, girlfriend!

Ha ha Melanie J. I could go for some Melanie J. TMI right now. ;)

Smart Helm, your comment actually did comfort me. To think that they won't remember a thing we say anyway . . .

Swirl, are you home? I was going to come over and chat you up but your car was gone. ;( I'm kinda missing you. Sorry you've been sick too.

ROCKSTAR. Ha ha One love language. That is so classic! I LOVE IT! At least Big Al would love it. And thanks for speaking my love language. You did that on purpose, huh? How sweeeeeet.

The Wixom Zoo said...

I'm congested and stuffing keedex up by dose too...*sniff* Being sick sucks. feel better soon