Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Pardon the interuption to my Twilight Zone sequel, but it's time to be blunt. As Tim O'Brien would say, it's time to heat up the truth and make it burn.

And believe me the truth does burn.

My grandma is not the only one with secrets and lies.

I totally lied when I said there's something ungodly about St. George. I lub St. George and it didn't singe my eye lashes off either, although Funny Farmer was right when she said it should have because anyone who uses their free agency to vacation in St. George in July deserves to have their eye lashes singed off.

I also lied about being duct taped to my in-laws at Island Park. We DID drive here together in a caravan and we DID eat together at Chuck-A-Rama and we ARE staying together in the same cabin, but there is no duct tape involved.

I have my boundaries.

I also have my secrets.

My latest secret is that I'm sad. I've been sad for weeks now actually--ever since I was at the Statue of Liberty where my hub received a phone call from BYU Provo asking him if he wanted to transfer.

Of course we don't want to transfer!!! I screamed into the phone before my hub smacked me in the head.

But of course we want to tranfer. Our whole family is waiting for us with open arms (and rolls and rolls of duct tape).

So why does my stone cold heart feel so heavy I can barely lug it around?


I can hardly bring myself to say the words.

Deep breaths . . . Inhale . . . Exhale.




There I said it.

And now I'm bawling my brains out.



(btw, if you want to clear a room start bawling your brains out at a family reunion.)

I knew this time would come. But I never thought this time would come. You get me?

We have been Hawaiians for 18 years.


Even though Hawaii had committment issues and never got down on one knee to offer us a happily-ever-after I feeeeeeeeel like I'm getting divorced.

No, I feel more like I'm leaving my super hot surfer dude boyfriend to run off with another state. An older, colder, more practical state. A state with more beehives in it's bonnet.

I'm running off with the state of Utah.

I'm putting down roots.

Which means I'm officially . . .

. . . a grown up.


What if they don't like dummies in Utah? What if they whisper behind my back? What if they judge me?

What if I get caught in a snow drift and no one notices I'm gone until Spring?

Will I have to get breast implants to fit in? Will I have to keep the sabbath day holy? Will I have to pretend to like country music?


I guess I should look on the bright side. I can finally pick up that porn and prozac addiction I've been putting off.

Will you guys still read me when I'm married to Utah and addicted to porn and prozac? Or were you just using me to get to my super hot surfer dude boyfriend?

At least I will finally be around people who can tell me exactly what I should and shouldn't do. And after I learn it all I can tell you guys exactly what you should and shouldn't do too.

I'm here to serve.

And please.

I know I will learn to lub my new hub and we will live happily ever after til death do us part to infinity and beyond.

But ftr, my stone cold heart will always belong to my super hot surfer dude boyfriend.


Does anyone have a tissue?


Julie said...

I'm soooo sorry! I'd be sad to leave Hawaii too -- no matter where I was going!! :(


(BTW, I live on the east coast 10 months out of the year, but I still LOVE coming home to Utah whenever I get the chance -- but then, I'm addicted to family! :)

DeNae said...

I'm sorry, but my heart is breaking for you on so many levels. Some of the best people I know are Utah folks, but it would be very, very difficult for me to move back. And to have lived in such a unique place as Hawaii for so long, only to land in Provo, would be tough.

Of course, I contracted my Prozac addiction in Seattle, so you may be able to avoid it.

And we can get together when I come to town!!

Go ahead and cry, darling Crash. I'm shedding a little tear for you, too!

Liz said...

wait, did i coerce you to spill? i'm sorry!! (but i'm really not). i am however, very VERY sorry that you're leaving us. and i'm not the only one! everyone i know is sorry. but oh boy, CAN'T WAIT for the send off!! i may even blog about it!
in the meantime, truth be known, i love utah. you would never find 100 different flavors of hot cocoa anywhere else. plus, even though they don't do may day, they DO do peach days and apple days and days of '47! how cool is that??
miss you already.

DeNae said... that isn't to say I think Provo is a bad place. Really. I think it's delightful.

So no linking over to my blog and hollering at me, you rabid Zoobies! You will hurt my poor Ute feelings.

Kristina P. said...

I don't understand all these people who feel sorry for you.

I mean, it's PROVO! So much better than Hawaii! You will totally be judged all the time! And that is awesome. Plus, you can't drink caffeine at BYU! What's not to love?

Rockstar said...

I first read your post to say


and thought you were excited to come to Utah. But then I started to get the flavor that you're not really looking forward to it. I'm probably reading too much into though.

Anyway, here are some other fun filled facts about Utah that will help cheer you up.

1. Levan, is "navel" spelled backwards. It is so named because it is in the middle of Utah (and speaks volumes about our backwards nature).
2. The average snowfall in the mountains near Salt Lake City is 500 inches. (That's only 42 feet.)
3. The Heber Valley Railroad's magnificent steam engine and ten passenger railroad cars have been filmed in over 31 motion pictures over the past 20 years.
4. Beaver is the birthplace of two very famous individuals of the past, Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television and Butch Cassidy, the notorious western outlaw.
5. The federal government owns 65% of the state's land (and I'm sure Obama is trying to take the rest).
6. Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation. (We get Playboy for the articles.)
7. Utah has a higher percentage of residents (30.8%) under the age of 18 than any other state. (You can’t buy contraceptives on Sunday.)

Last but not least....

8. In 1889, Mormon settlers from Hawaii came to Utah and named their new community Iosepa. By 1917 most had returned to Hawaii after a Mormon church was erected there. (Showing once you’ve tasted super hot surfers, it’s hard to dine with older and colder practicality.)

Hope you move close to my neighborhood.


Alyson (New England Living) said...

WHAAAAATT??! I can't see you in Utah. I'm having a hard time reconciling this and wonder if I will read you when you become a Ute. ;) Kidding. I'll love ya anyway.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, P.S. - Can't BYU transfer you to Boston? I know there's no BYU there, but God can work miracles. I'm moving to Boston and I think you belong there. :)

Katria said...

Will you be teaching at the BYU Provo now? Because, if so, that is way exciting. And someday I may take a class from you. In a year or two, after I've earned moneys to go back to the BYU.

Just think of all the awesome times you will be able to have at Olive Garden. Maybe next time you can even eat breadsticks!

val of the south said...

I was just thinking about you today wondering what you had decided, and now I know!

Honestly, I kinda WAS using you to get to your super hot surfer dude boyfriend, since I'd left my mostly hot surfer dude boyfriend back in San Diego...but I'm sure I'll find something else to like about you once you're here!

But we'll both have to use Anjeny and Martha and Swirl and IWA's blogs to warm our stone cold hearts this winter with awesome pics of your Super Hot Surfer Dude boyfriend! Please don't let us down ladies!!

And I have lot's of Kleenex to share, 'cause seriously, I'm not needing it so much anymore :)

April said...

Provo, huh? I'm sure there are nice people there.....Oh yes! I know one!

Will your pic be next to the Mr. Porn addict's billboard in Draper? What will you name "the girls".

If you get too cold you can come and stay with me during the non singeing eyebrow time of the year.

T said...

:) I'm just glad the cat is out of the bag... and I'm feeling bad for all those Hawaiian friends of yours...

Take it from me though - you SO don't have to pretend to like Country Music... I think people are actually pleasantly surprised when I loudly express my dislike for all thinks leather, twangy, and/or chappy (?) Although I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I was once at the Hogle Zoo behind a few people who were discussing the previous night's country dancing extravaganza who said "I was achy breaky heartin' all over the place"... I laughed out loud and had to make up an excuse when they turned to look at me.

WV says suppre... so either your supper is all screwy or we think it's super that your joining the ranks here in Utah... The (not so) Few, the Judged, and the (overly) Coiffed

Melanie J said...

I am very, very sad for you.


I think a lot of Utah bloggers are prolly pretty happy right now.

Sandi said...

I left a comment a few hours ago and it is not here! what the what? FYI it was full of lamenting over what you possibly can do in Provo when you don't feel like keeping the sabbbath day holy anymore that could equal running away to the beach so some old guy could lecture you about littering? This is very weird for it for you???
p.s. if you want to see pics of KK's bridal shower, look here:

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

It's bitter sweet for me... because who am I going to use to visit in Hawaii??? Not my twin because she's TRANSFERRING...

Yet its sweet because more lunches at OLIVE GARDEN! BOOOO YAAA!

Debbie said...

I was dieing to know what you guys had decided. Congrats and a hug. When you get settled spread the word and we'll do a 'welcome to Utah' party for ya. Seriously I will.

Are you keeping the house in Hawaii so you can go back every few months to visit (and take all of us with you)?

Colleen said...

Some of my favorite people live in Utah, or have lived in Utah (and are soon returning to Utah)! It's a stunningly beautiful place. It's magnetic, obviously! It's not the bad boy you're so attracted to in High School, its the one you want to be the father of your children.

I'm sure you and your exceptional and talented husband and children will be so appreciated in your new neighborhoods that you will delightfully happy there, although you will miss many good things.

It's those of us you are leaving behind who are truly getting the short end of the stick. We're selfish and want you all to ourselves. I've been depressed all day--I had a dream about this, and it woke me up in the middle of the night, and then I was so bummed that I didn't get to talk to you today because I was on the phone with someone I felt I couldn't hang up on.

I'm really sad!


P.S. Hawaii isn't really a "bad boy", just not the right one I guess!

Kritta22 said...

You are going to be Utard!!

Love it!!

Kritta22 said...

You are going to be closer to me!! And Shelle and everyone else that hearts you bunches!

Kritta22 said...

I don't know what to say about the Prozac thing.


I'm speechless.

IWA (e - va) said...

Haha... Kritta.. I was going to say the same thing... UTARD!

awwwww...... This is me being sad!

really.... *sniff sniff*

April said...

Ooooohhhh, wait! BYU FOOTBALL!!! I am now salivating! Welcome to Utah!

Smart Helm said...

Man that's tough. No matter where u move from or to, its the people that make it hard to leave!

Good luck. U'll be OK in another 18 years :-)

Barbaloot said...

I've been wondering what you guys were going to do. I'm sure your Hawaiin friends are going to miss you like crazy, but the Utahns are happy to get you!!:)

Good luck with everything. I hate moving a room---I can't imagine moving a house and family.

I'm sure you'll miss Hawaii like crazy, but I hope you guys are happy with your decision.

I am LoW said...

Wow. I don't know what to say.

I'll miss the hot surfer dude boyfriend for sure.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi everyone! We have internet connection in Island Park today. Wahooo!

Thanks for all of your words of consolation and encouragement.

Rockstar you had me laughing pretty good. I have so much to look forward to. And don't misunderstand, I AM looking forward to it. It's just so hard to say goodbye.

Thank you thank you for the welcome wagon, but to my friends in Hawaii, SNIFF! GROUP HUG!

Where's Anjeny and Martha and Markio and Swirl? I am NOT moving unto they arrive and give me a hug!

Alyson, are you really moving to Boston? Let's have a Boston tea partay.

Homer and Queen said...

First of all..DaNae...a Ute fan? Seriously?

It is time for the prodical daughter to go home...go home to Zion...and name your girls.

wesley's mom (sue) said...

I guess this means we won't be seeing anymore pictures of Jack Johnson's underwear. But now maybe you could get a shot of Donny Osmonds underwear, so it's not all bad, right?

Colleen said...

Could you come back every year for a few months?How about the soccer season? You can make us jealous of your new decolletage. And while we're talking about it, take off all that Mary Kay and the nylons (muhaha). Opps, looks like I moving from denial and guilt to anger and bargaining!

Did you hear the new news from Laie? You better call me back.

Colleen said...

p.s. check out something major you'll miss at palmerhawaii.blogspot!


Jillybean said...

That means that you can come to ALL OF THE BLOGGER LUNCHES!!

But then again we have that yucky snow stuff.

val of the south said...

Shhhhhh Jill - don't mention the "s" word or she might change her mind!

Youngblood4ever said...


Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I have a few answers to your many questions.

I will totally give you your much needed hug when you get here.

Utahns LOVE Dummies. You will fit right in.

We will totally whisper behind your back, and even in front of you. That is just how we are.

We will totally judge you. Again, that is just how we are. You'll get used to it... or kill us all.

If you get caught in a snow drift pull out your red lingerie and hang it to your radio antennae and we will know where you are. You will totally be missed if you get lost.

I currently don't have breast implants (TMI?) but am saving up for them. Every Credit Union has a built in savings account for plastic surgery. $$$ is automatically taken out of your regular account and put into said savings account. No worries, it will only take you 10-15 years to save up enough.

Nah, you don't need to keep the Sabbath Day holy. Have you ever seen a Wal-Mart parking lot on Sunday around here?

I love all kinds of music, you will be accepted for whatever kind of music you like. Just know that you will be expected to own a pair of cowboy boots, though. That is a requirement.

Porn and Prozac are a MUST. You might want to get started on that.

AND FINALLY- yes, I have tissues.

Youngblood4ever said...

That was one dang long comment. SoRrY!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha I am laughing so hard a Youngblood's answers. Now hand me that tissue, girlfriend.

Colleen, I don't have cell phone reception here at the cabin so I had to go for a walk to call you yesterday. My MIL has cell phone reception so I just tried to call you. Tatum told me the news. She talked to Ethan.

WAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO! Awesome. I feel so much better about leaving now! HIGH FIVE!

I'm going to go check out that link. And Sandi's link too.

LY everyone!

Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation, I've been here my whole life and I'm stuck in Provo for 2 more years until my love is done with school. You'll be in good company.

And...Utahns are pretty darn good at hugs. music actually does start growing on you. least it's not St. George, right?

I am a little sad to hear you're moving--mostly because I was hoping to have a connection in Hawaii to stay with if we ever get to go to the land of the hot surfer dudes. Still, life is about giving and taking I guess. I'll just have to stumble upon and start stalking some other Hawaiian.

Motherboard said...

Moving totally blows!! I feel your pain about moving to Utah. I felt the same way when we were so rudely transplanted.

Bright side? Blogger lunches galore!

NeenaLove said...

OMG... i'm moving too.

how similar our experiences are. i do feel like i'm divorcing. LOL... because i have been divorced before and it really does feel like it all over again.

**heavy sigh**

SO said...

But now you can have more blog lunches!!

FWIW I'd be doing the ugly cry if I was in your position. Those hot surfer dudes are hard to get over.

Martha said...

I'm not giving you a hug!!! So that means you can't move.

I told Jim and now he says he depressed and mad. Me too.

Jami said...

I feel so sorry for your Hawaiian pals. But I have this feeling that you will bloom like a rose in dat der Deseret.

Lu said...

WHAT?! It's a good move for your family but oh how I will miss you! :)

Crazy Lady said...

Well, what can I say? I AM THRILLED! And you should not live right in Provo. Been there, done that. Not my fave. But I love Spanish Fork and you would too so move here! There is a beautiful house for sale in my ward! You can come play with me and the fun Funny Farmer every day! We'll chase chickens and clog. Oh yes! If you are moving to Utah you HAVE to clog! Ohhhhhh I am so excited. I am sure it is so hard to leave what has been your home for 18 years. Good thing you have this blog to help you stay in touch. I imagine there will be many trips back to visit as well. But WAHOOOO! I'm glad to have you here!

My word verifier is "hypor". Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Keli'i and Megan said...

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I can't believe you're moving! I am so sad! Waaahhh! We definitely MUST do SOMETHING together BEFORE you head out...when is that? I will miss you.

Funny Farmer said...

I think my super empathy powers are getting the best of me, because although I can't wait for you to get here (here being SPANISH FORK hint hint), I am feeling your pain. It is SO HARD to leave the place you thought you'd live in forever. The places. The memories. The PEOPLE. My eyes sweat just thinking about the last time I moved and how hard it was. You will never really get over it. It's one of those bittersweet, happy/sad things.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Yes, we're really moving to Boston, but not for another 10 months or so. Yes, yes, yes, please come for a tea partay!! We could even don some war paint like the good ol' boys did!

Mariko said...

What WHAT WHAT?!!!

No. I'm not giving you hugs, because you're not going. We haven't even had time to become proper friends yet!

I knew I had bad karma this week. I wasn't checking your blog because of many ridiculous things happening, and now this is happening. Which makes it even more ridiculous.


LiafromLaie said...



Well... it's an interesting place. I wouldn't move there... unless they were paying me... and they're paying you to move so I guess it's a good deal. Still would only stay there for only a bit though... cause LiafromProvo just doesn't have the same ring as LiafromLaie.

Enjoy yourself there! And take it from me... there's LOTS of Hawaii people there! Iwa's sister goes to Provo Law School... so find her and you've got a Hawaii connection :D