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Saturday, July 18, 2009

WARNING

Today my SIL said, " I have a feeling we are going to get left out of your blog completely."  

I was like "What is there to say about you guys?  You're all normal.  And we're all having fun together. No one wants to see a happy normal family playing Dominoes or Bananagrams or boating their brains out."  

But I could say something about St. George.  If you've ever been outside for 6 hours straight in St. George you notice things.  Like, there is seriously something ungodly about St. George.  I think the sun here has made a pact with the Devil.  The sun-screen devil.  Yesterday I spent $11 on a bottle of sun screen.  Today it is completely gone and my children are charbroiled to a krispy kreme. 

We come from HAWAII, for goodness sake!  They shouldn't be krispy kremes.

Boating your brains out in St. George is like speeding into a burning pit of helkfire and tamnation.

If America was a Golds Gym, St. George would be the biggest, hottest sauna in the clubhouse.  

When you open your front door in St. George you might as well be opening an oven door.   

You know how sometimes you open your oven door and then you stick your head in and then you singe your eyebrows off?   Well something similar happened to me today.   After spending six hours at Sand Hollow Lake I no longer have any eye lashes.   

And I have 3rd degree burns on my buns from sliding into the car.  OWWIE!  I totally forgot to bring my oven mitts, but luckily I found a pair of my FIL's winter gloves under the seat to sit my burned booty upon. 

And can I just say that Utah could take a lesson from Hawaii when it comes to a pleasant swimming environment.

Today when we paid our $10 to enter lake helkfire and tamnation there was a large sign that said WARNING: Swimmers Itch is ACTIVE today accompanied by a pamphlet telling us to swim at our own risk.  

In Hawaii swimmers itch means you're anxious to get to the beach, but in Utah it means BEWARE of floating parasites--RASH AHEAD! 

That's just TMI.  If there are parasites in the water, I don't want to know about it.  Especially when it's 115 degrees outside.  

In Hawaii, we know when to put our hands over our ears and say LA LA LA LA LA!  There are no signs that say WARNING: Shark Infested waters or JELLY FISH are ACTIVE today.

Warning signs are a just mind games spelled backwards.  The whole time we were boating our brains out everyone kept saying "Man, I feel itchy!"  And scratching is just like yawning.  When one person starts scratching, everyone starts scratching. But when we all came home NO ONE had a rash.   Go figure! 

And that's not the only example of unpleasant swimming experiences in Utah.  Have you ever been to the water park at Lagoon?  

First of all they pour ice cubes in their water.  Is it just me or can you really call a river lazy if your lips are turning blue? 

And their safety first policy puts a huge damper on your day.  Seriously!  Safety is such a drag. There is absolutely no adrenaline rush when you go down their water slides because 1.  They make you wait 10 minutes after the slider in front of you has exited the pool.  2.  They make you wear a seat belt.  3.  It's illegal to talk on your cell phone as you slide. 

But the biggest buzz kill of all was the back ground music.  You know how usually a water park cranks Van Halen or The Villiage People?  Well at Lagoon they hired Casey Kasem, gave him some demerol and made him repeat the pool requirements over and over again.  

These are word for word, peeps.  I kid NOT: 

1. Do not swim if you have diarreah or have had diarreah in the last two weeks.

2. For the safety and comfort of all swimmers, do not swallow pool water or get pool water near your mouth. 

3. Individuals who experience incontinence are required to wear diapers. 

4. Please take regular bathroom breaks and wash child's bottom with soap and water before re-entering the pool.  


You can only imagine what was on our mind as our teeth were chattering in the lazy river.

25 comments:

val of the south said...

We were at Lagoon this week and heard those same scary announcements - over, and over, and over...my kids needed reassurance that night they hadn't caught anything!

Rachel Sue said...

I always knew that St. George was in a league with the devil. I just hadn't realized it was the sunscreen devil!

Karen said...

What a way to totally ruin what's supposed to be a fun experience. Earplugs next time.

Mariko said...

Well, I've been wondering what you've been doing anyway.
And I'm on vacation too.

You are making Utah sound SO FUN! I am definitely going there next time.
Riiiiiight.

Mariko said...

Oh. If you run into Lisa Sandberg, that's my cousin.
You should TOTALLY go to VIRGIN! That's where the rest of the Spendloves are.
Plus it would make such a good post. There used to be a Virgin recycling center.

wesley's mom (sue) said...

Swimmers Itch- really?! ICK!

We've never been to Lagoon. And now I think it's safe to say we never will. Their warnings are all of the things I am already repeating to myself over and over in my head any time I go to one of those places. The last thing I need is to have to hear it OUTSIDE of my head too.

My word verifier is blesses (no kidding) Blesses your little heart for taking such a dangerous vacation.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I always say liablility lawyers have sucked the fun out of everything. Safety my eye.

And St George is just the first degree of helk. Vegas is the third degree. Just sayin.

April said...

So did you see a bright red moomba with lots of teenagers on it at Sand Hollow? One of them was my son! You should have poked him in the eye for not wearing sunscreen! He only burned his face because he is used to this helkish weather. He was out boating with friends.

You will be safe from the itching as long as you didn't play in the algae. But then you have a dummy proof exterior so you should be safe.

April said...

Mariko....are you related to Mike Sandberg?

IWA (e - va) said...

This was too funny!

This has officially ruined water parks for me! we'll maybe just in Utah!

and now Im hungry for some Krispy Kreme's ... I so miss that HOT NOW sign!

Ward Camp has been great with our hurrican winds and blue bubbles!

Amber Lynae said...

Is there a huge pooping problem in Utah???? If that is all they can talk about at the pool park, then I think maybe there must be. talk about up $#*! creek without a paddle.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

HAHAHAHA!! I'm cracking up at Amber's comment. hehehe, ok, can't stop laughing.

Have fun in hellish, poopy-ridden Utah! :)

Martha said...

Last time we went to Lagoon the kids were so excited to go to the water part and they poked their pinky toes in and that was it brrrrr.

We went to the BYU pool today with the Blum kids. We're missing you guys so hurry home to where it's not too hot and the water is not too cold. We only have sad people drive their cars off the point.

Barbaloot said...

I still didn't see anything about your sister-in-law:)
I haven't been to Lagoon in years...I'm afraid of the water coming near my mouth.

April said...

There's nothing like swishing a little cryptosporidium around in your mouth. Yum yum!

Jami said...

EWWWWWW! Now I can't leave my house for the next calender year. Wait, my house is filled with little bottoms leaving their little...EWWW! AHHHH! What now? Oh the horror.

Also my Word Verification is peraisme, which some kind of ewie-gooie nasty microscopic thing. They're after me.

Debbie said...

I agree, there is just something wrong when the weather is THAT hot! I'm so with ya on the itching stuff. Every time I see a bug in my house I start itching uncontrollably.

Melanie J said...

Yeah, it's kind of like on the Matterhorn when they keep telling you to keep your hands and legs in the car at all time. How is THAT fun?

Sandi said...

No matter how many poopy people are at the water park in Utah, it is not as bad as my week with my MIL> I would rather be in the algae/poopy/hot waters! Hope you are having a blast!! 1 more week and I am done weddinging- yippee. Oh and by the way the lovely Suli replaced the Kute Kasey's ring. He is a winner!

Robyn Lamoreaux said...

EXCUSE ME!!!! Are you here in my town of St. George and I haven't seen you in 20 years???? Perhaps that needs to happen. I think you forgot to mention the amazing redrocks and the beautiful lava rocks....hello? I will give it to you that it is really hot as of now but visit me in the other 10 months of the year and we can talk. Okay it's no Hawaii but what can you do? I am serious about a little get together!

Funny Farmer said...

K first of all, you are on vacation (which to me is defined as you get to choose where you spend your time) and you choose St. George Utah in JULY?! I'm sorry but if you're that stupid, you deserve to have your eyelashes singed off.

LY!

T said...

some of have to LIVE here in July... ermmm... well, since I vacationed for most of July and have just returned (and swear not to even get NEAR the car all week) I guess "Live" is going a little far. But trust me... come February - it is SOOOOOOO worth it!

val of the south said...

I FINALLY posted about the Fabulous Lunch...can you believe it was only last week? Loved it, loved you!!


wv ~ hoess (it's calling me names!)

The Garden of Egan said...

I feel all itchy right now! Hope you survive the vacation.

SWIRL said...

Awe Crash!
that is funny- I'll admit I didn't know bedbugs were real until we moved here and SAW THEM in my bed!!?! I thought that was just a funny saying my mom would tease as she tucked me in at night....

As always I love your descriptions of things..