Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Tim Tam SPAM Slam

Yesterday I got to talking about food, glorious food.  

There is so much to say about food.  We eat (or don't eat) for power.  We eat for comfort.  We eat for entertainment.  But when Mary left her cute comment in my box a few days ago saying that the motto in Provo is if you can't drink, EAT, it made me pause and think about how often we eat to escape. 

Of course we do.  We are Mormons.  What other escape do we have? We can't get plastered, stoned, smashed, hammered, blasted or blitzed.     

I was raised in Utah so don't get mad at me for what I'm about to say about Utah.  Word on the street is that the TBM's (What the helk does that mean, btw?  Will someone please enlighten me?) have the highest rate of depression, suicide, mental illness, prescription drug abuse, on-line porn subscriptions and bankruptcy. 

Don't be mad.  Please, please, pretty please!  

You're totally ticked, huh?  I can so tell. 

I pinky swear I'm not criticizing.  I'm not judging. I'm not pointing fingers or jumping to conclusions or connecting the dots.  I'm not even speculating.   

I'm just sayin'.

I only bring it up because TBM's (whatever that means) need TMI too.  And I'm not talking about family history TMI.  It's just that sometimes scrapbooking just doesn't cut it.  

I always say, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem and I think I've found the solution.  If I were a psychiatrist in Utah, I know exactly what I'd prescribe: The Tim Tam/SPAM Slams, baby!

I believe that Tim Tams and SPAM can heal the world.

I had never heard of Tim Tams before last Spring when I had a student from Australia in my class.

Tim Tams are the reason people in Australia never get depressed.  

A Tim Tam is a cookie.  A Tim Tam Slam is a cookie + a steaming mug of hot chocolate.  You bite each end of the cookie off, insert the cookie into mug, then suck the hot chocolate through the cookie like a straw.  

It sounds easy, but it's not.  In fact, I spilled a whole glass of hot chocolate down my white dress the first time I attempted it.  

So I threw a Tim Tam Slam partay in my class for our own Sandi's birthday. 

Step 1:  Get yourself a cup of hot chocolate. The chocolate needs to be near the brim so feel free to rip the cup as needed.

Step 2:  Bite the Tim Tam off at both ends so it can make like a straw.

Step 3: Insert the cookie straw into the hot chocolate and suck like your life depended on it.  Be patient, and keep on sucking. 

Be prepared for an amazing melty chocolate rush.  

The cookie will get soft quickly so before it falls apart flip the whole cookie into your mouth with your tongue and enjoy the buzz. 

If you want to put a Hawaiian spin on the Tim Tam Slam, just add SPAM.

BTW, no one is depressed in Hawaii either, praise be to SPAM.

Remember where you were at this moment because I'm about to make history by introducing a new snack into the Hawaiian culture. The SPAM Slam.

Follow the same procedure as the Tim Tam Slam but substitute the cookie  straw for a slice of SPAM straw.


The following photos are not faked or posed.  I told these crazy kids to PRETEND they were sucking hot chocolate through a SPAM straw, but they wanted to be authentic and real.

I was grossing out and gagging . . .

But, ewwww, they loved it! 

They really really sincerely loved it. 

They even cut up more chunks of SPAM and made what they called Cocoa SPAM. 

In Hawaii we eat Cocoa Rice.  Why not Cocoa SPAM? 

They even wanted seconds.  

So there you have it! 

Problem solved.


wesley's mom (sue) said...

I love you and I was soooo with you with the TimTam straw in the hot chocolate, I have to find me some TimTams for our 4th of July BBQ, but the Spam straw---I think I gagged a little bit.

I am curious though, when your kids sucked on the Spam.....oh, nevermind. I don't want to know.

Anjeny said...

Ok I was trying to figure out how you suck cocoa through the spam..totally drawing a blank here.

And secondly, ewwww on the spam in the cocoa. I don't like cocoa rice so you bet your cute little bottom, cocoa spam is gross..this coming from an islander who loves to eat raw fish, ok?

Not that I don't like SPAM...I ♥ SPAM just not that combination. But you know something, my kids are just as crazy as those in your pix so I bet they would love SPAM slam.

I am however salivating over the TIM TAM dunk in hot chocolate. Where can I get some? I've GOT to have some.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

You can get the Tim Tams at Longs or Walmart. The yummiest are caramel covered.

I KNOW what you mean about the cocoa SPAM. That was meant to be a joke. It kinda backfired on me.

They poked a hole through the SPAM with a skewer.

Barbaloot said...

Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew! And seriously, what is TBM? I got the gist of what you were saying what with the Utah and all...but seriously. TBM?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

That's what I want to know. It's all over the internet in reference to Mormons. TBM. I'm thinking the T is Temple?

DeNae said...

Oh, Crash, I love you. And now I have to try the Tim Tam buzz. I mean, for goodness sake, you had me at "drink hot chocolate through a cookie straw".

I am curious, though. Have you ever wondered how they gather the kinds of statistics you quoted up there?

Q: "Are you abusing prescription drugs while you watch internet porn?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "Why?"

A: "Cuz I was on terminal hold with the bankruptcy lawyer and my attempts to throw myself under a cement mixer were unsuccessful."

Q: "We see. And are you a TBM, EMT, PDQ, LDS kinda gal?"

A: "Totally."

Q: "HA! We KNEW it!" (poll, poll)

M jus' sayin'...

val of the south said...

I just googled it - it's True Blue Mormon...found on a lot of anti mormon sites.

val of the south said...

I'm excited to try the musubi, but I think I might have to pass on the Spam Slams!

Though the Tim Tam Slams sound like a fabulous cure for what ails me!

Kristina P. said...

I am truly going to throw up.

val of the south said...

And all this talk of tim tams made me need a twix bar (it's what came to mind while trying to come up with a substitute) so I left my hotel room shoeless in search of twix and stepped in something wet and yucky by the vending machine...ewwww...but I got my twix :)

LiafromLaie said...

Hey Crash... Kristen W. is in your class? If so you should make her sing for you all :)

OK... I love the Tim Tam Slam. But SPAM?! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE SPAM. But I just realized I don't LOVE spam THAT much.

And I'm completely lost about the meaning of TBM.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Val, FUNNY about the Twix and the gooey feet. A Twix is a good substitute.

So True Blue Mormon, huh? It sounds like it is used to poke fun at us, if it's used on Anti sites.

I thought it was one of our insider acronyms.

YES KRISTIN was in my class. I LOVED HER! She has the most BeeUtiful voice ever. She played the piano and the ukulele and sang every day during our class break.

She actually wrote a paper about the statistics she found about the Mormon phenom in Utah (depression in women).

I think those statistics are very complex. I know the porn subscription stats came from a Harvard Economic Magazine study, but I don't know if the others are credible or overblown rumors.

AND I totally agree about the EWWWWWW gross SPAM slams. I threw up a little in my mouth too.

NeenaLove said...

i miss getting hammered! that's what i miss MOST about being a practicing mormon. it was such a stress reliever.

lol.... i'm the lady that asked you about your blog at the CDC, on-campus. i used to just "lurk" on your blog and never comment. your blog is "o-some"!!


DeNae said...

CRASH!! (I'm hollering cuz you live so far away) I somehow missed the announcement that you are having a meet n greet in Provo on July 11. I'LL BE IN UTAH THAT WEEKEND TOO! See? Fasting and prayer really DOES work!

However (insert sad face here) I am not available for your lunch. The family commitment that is bringing me to UT is happening then.

Double however (insert happy face here) a bunch of us are getting together the night before for dinner. Wanna come? You've expressed an interest in meeting Motherboard, and she'll be there.

Anyway, let me know!

DeNae said...

...oh, and our dinner is open to all our bloggy friends. Drop by my place for details...

OK, no more interruptions from me. Please, get on with snarfing your Spam, which is dang near the funniest thing I've seen in a long time...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! I found my stranger post office friend. Or she found me.

Coreen at NeenaLove who misses getting plastered now that she's a TBM. ;) Anjeny, do you know Coreen?

Coreen, you can't lurk now. You've been ousted!

How funny we met like that. That was cooooool.

DeNae, Where and when? Oh, I can just go to your blog and find out. I hope I can squeeze that in without my family burning me at the stake. That would be awesome to meet you and Motherboard.

Jami said...

Ew. On the SPAM that is. It's the lingering image from the post. Salty, fatty, porkish hot chocolate. Ew. No wonder the boys loved it!

On the other hand, the tim-tam slam looks marvelous. If only I had won Melanie J. Tim Tam give-away long ago, I could have tried it. If I ever get to Australia though it will be on the list right near the top.

Jami said...

Alternate TBMs:

True Believing Mormon
Temple-recommend Bearing Mormon

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I thought it was the temple recommend bearing Mormon myself.

Jami, I need to send you some Tim Tams. You deserve it. I'm serious. Address, please.

Melanie J said...

You know I have the Tim Tam love. But I can only get them at Cost Plus World Market here and even though it's from Arnott's, they call them something different. It took my faux SIL to teach me about the straw wondrousness. I will decline to learn about the Spam fantasticness.

Mariko said...

I love spam.
But that's disgusting.
You didn't even FRY IT UP!

SPAM must be cooked before you can put it in hot chocolate.

You got it right on the eating, but you forgot about the other thing that TBM's need: Twilight.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I know Mariko. Don't call social services on me. What started out as an innocent pretend joke, turned into . . .

I guess that's how the road to helk is paved.

IWA (e - va) said...

OMG... guess what I got on your site and my favorite song on your playlist came on! #33! Awesome!

I have never tried the TimTamSlam... mine never reach home.. i buy it, and then open it up while loading kids in the car and by the time i get home, they're all gone!

But I love spam and i love cocoa... I didn’t gag or even flinch; I was fascinated that all those boys were so willing to dip spam in their cocoa! and laughed all the way through your post!

I think I’m going to try it! Really! And then I’ll let you know if I threw up! Were also dipping chocolate tonight… I think I’ll also try dipped spam!

Stephen said...

True Blue Mormon
True Believing Mormon
Good statistics...Too bad you didn't take a step futher and try to connect some dots....

val of the south said...

I'm with Mariko - maybe if it were fried first - and IWA - maybe if you fried before dipping - you could be on to something!

Anjeny said...

Yes Crash, I most certainly do know Coreen..she was our Ward pianist while I was the chorister, she just moved out of our ward. Actually, my Young Women calling was her calling before she moved out. KEWL uh?

But I absolutely have no idea she blog...Coreen, what gives? You've been blurking all this time?

And about the depressing UTAH women, I learned about this statistics years ago when I was still going to BYUH, my parenting class. The professor told us the episode started when Kimball quoted the saying, "No amount of success can compensate for the failure in the home".

IWA (e - va) said...

OMG #79... is awesome! My next favorite song on your playlist!

So i was thinking about all the 411that you keep giving us! man you just keep busting our little bubbles we're living! LOL!

So i have tried to rationalize all this info you giving us and this is what i came up with:

On-line porn: The lack of adult movie stores / also while i was in utah they passed a law banning topless dancers in night clubs (where else are they suppose to get it from!)

Bankruptcy: someone once told me (from utah) it's also called Financially repenting!

depression/ suicide / prescription drugs: BYU has one of the lowest acceptance rates, what else would you do if you got stuck going to the UofU!haha!

IWA (e - va) said...

Sorry U of U peeps! I went there for a semester!

All i can say is it was DIFFERENT! At Orienatation they handed me a bunch of condoms and said Be safe! haha!

Stephen said...

IWA - That was awesome! You made me laugh.

Debbie said...

I like saying tim tam slam. For that reason I'd try it.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

You really are responsible for opening my eyes to many new wonders in the world. Thanks for that. Just a little over a week.

April said...

I will now have nightmares of Spam floating in cocoa...thank you very much! {insert shiver here}

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oooh April I agree. ewww. It makes me gag to look at it too.

Iwa, ha ha You crazy chica. But I LOVE both of those songs too. Who would have thought we would have so much in common when we were in RS together. ha ha

Hey guys, I figured out why Utah is so depressed. I'll post about it tomorrow.

ONE MORE WEEK until our bloggy meet and greet. Aaaaah! So weird!

CaJoh said...

Crash this is just the thing I'm looking for in my Friday's Feast post about Drinks. Do you mind if I add this post to my list of Feasters.

Reminds me of the days in HS when we used to buy a chocolate milk and chocolate malt ice cream cup, pour a thin layer on the ice cream and scrape it up. Quite Tasty.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh my gosh, this post was awesome. Hilarious!

April said...

And I did dream about it last night...only we were trying to use kit kat bars (cause I read Anjeny's blog and she likes kit kat's better than twix (rude!)) as the straw and slamming the cocoa! At least there was no spam involved! WHEW!

Sandi said...

Yay! I knew the post office lurker lady would come forward---do you wonder how many shy little lurkers you have?
I must say that was the best birthday party in my honor EVER! I might have to send KK to the store to get some Tim Tams to bring home so that we can attempt the slam the correct way and not have to resort to using the spam. Spam floaties- eww.
I am sad about missing the Utah partay, but I got to go meet my old friends from my BYUH days for dinner last night and we laughed our heads off in P.F. Changs for 3 hours and it was wonderful and now I can feel okay about you girls partying without me. So carry on.

Martha said...

I've known about Tim Tams for quite awhile since my roommate was engaged to a Maori dude. Then when we lived in Tonga and Samoa they eat them there too.

Jim said he wouldn't try the spam thing, cuz that was too weird for him.

About all the Utah depression... I'm just thinking it's because they don't have a decent beach to relax at. I'm with Adam when I suggested he go to BYU Provo to school. He said, "What, are you kidding me? There's no waves!"