WARNING

Today my SIL said, " I have a feeling we are going to get left out of your blog completely."  

I was like "What is there to say about you guys?  You're all normal.  And we're all having fun together. No one wants to see a happy normal family playing Dominoes or Bananagrams or boating their brains out."  

But I could say something about St. George.  If you've ever been outside for 6 hours straight in St. George you notice things.  Like, there is seriously something ungodly about St. George.  I think the sun here has made a pact with the Devil.  The sun-screen devil.  Yesterday I spent $11 on a bottle of sun screen.  Today it is completely gone and my children are charbroiled to a krispy kreme. 

We come from HAWAII, for goodness sake!  They shouldn't be krispy kremes.

Boating your brains out in St. George is like speeding into a burning pit of helkfire and tamnation.

If America was a Golds Gym, St. George would be the biggest, hottest sauna in the clubhouse.  

When you open your front door in St. George you might as well be opening an oven door.   

You know how sometimes you open your oven door and then you stick your head in and then you singe your eyebrows off?   Well something similar happened to me today.   After spending six hours at Sand Hollow Lake I no longer have any eye lashes.   

And I have 3rd degree burns on my buns from sliding into the car.  OWWIE!  I totally forgot to bring my oven mitts, but luckily I found a pair of my FIL's winter gloves under the seat to sit my burned booty upon. 

And can I just say that Utah could take a lesson from Hawaii when it comes to a pleasant swimming environment.

Today when we paid our $10 to enter lake helkfire and tamnation there was a large sign that said WARNING: Swimmers Itch is ACTIVE today accompanied by a pamphlet telling us to swim at our own risk.  

In Hawaii swimmers itch means you're anxious to get to the beach, but in Utah it means BEWARE of floating parasites--RASH AHEAD! 

That's just TMI.  If there are parasites in the water, I don't want to know about it.  Especially when it's 115 degrees outside.  

In Hawaii, we know when to put our hands over our ears and say LA LA LA LA LA!  There are no signs that say WARNING: Shark Infested waters or JELLY FISH are ACTIVE today.

Warning signs are a just mind games spelled backwards.  The whole time we were boating our brains out everyone kept saying "Man, I feel itchy!"  And scratching is just like yawning.  When one person starts scratching, everyone starts scratching. But when we all came home NO ONE had a rash.   Go figure! 

And that's not the only example of unpleasant swimming experiences in Utah.  Have you ever been to the water park at Lagoon?  

First of all they pour ice cubes in their water.  Is it just me or can you really call a river lazy if your lips are turning blue? 

And their safety first policy puts a huge damper on your day.  Seriously!  Safety is such a drag. There is absolutely no adrenaline rush when you go down their water slides because 1.  They make you wait 10 minutes after the slider in front of you has exited the pool.  2.  They make you wear a seat belt.  3.  It's illegal to talk on your cell phone as you slide. 

But the biggest buzz kill of all was the back ground music.  You know how usually a water park cranks Van Halen or The Villiage People?  Well at Lagoon they hired Casey Kasem, gave him some demerol and made him repeat the pool requirements over and over again.  

These are word for word, peeps.  I kid NOT: 

1. Do not swim if you have diarreah or have had diarreah in the last two weeks.

2. For the safety and comfort of all swimmers, do not swallow pool water or get pool water near your mouth. 

3. Individuals who experience incontinence are required to wear diapers. 

4. Please take regular bathroom breaks and wash child's bottom with soap and water before re-entering the pool.  

You can only imagine what was on our mind as our teeth were chattering in the lazy river.