Thursday, March 4, 2010

Bald lovers and smokin' hot vampires

As previously aforementioned, I finally found the public library in my new home town.  

It's about time, I know.  My brain is absolutely starving.  And now I'm headed to the Twilight Zone to feed it.  Which, quite frankly, scares me spitless. What if I'm just like all those other silly gooses who obsess about sparkly vampires who are attracted to clumsy girls?  

Am I ready to know that about myself? 

On the other hand, what if I'm not like all the others and I hate sparkly vampires and clumsy girls?  

What's WRONG with ME? 

Why can't I ever fit in? 

You see my dilemma?

My daughter is scared spitless too. In rude and obnoxious ways. The other night my niece and I were having a conversation about how Stephanie Meyer had a dream that then inspired her to write Twilight.  

My daughter flipped her lid.  "Well I had a dream that I had DANDRUFF!  Should I write a book about that????"  

I don't know why she has such strong feelings about it because she read the whole thing in one sitting--all night long--and then declared in the morning that she hated it. Go figure! My theory is that she hasn't yet embraced her wounded inner clutz.

But anyways . . . at least I found the public library so I can read again for free. 

A LUB libraries with all my heart. They are my sanctuaries. A library to me is like an all-you-can-eat buffet to my in-laws. And I approach it that way. I wander around and around trying to decide which delicious books to consume first. Of course my eyes are always much bigger than my brain.

I read a lot like I eat too.  All at the same time. Why read just one book, when you can read a little of this and a little of that? Sometimes a book comes along like The Lovely Bones or Eat, Pray, Love that completely consumes me rather than the other way around, but I'm usually consuming 2-3 books at a time. 

Right now I'm reading a book called Cult Insanity about polygamy, and a David Sedaris book about being engulfed in flames. I go back and forth between the two depending on how much Prozac I have on hand (figure of speech, peeps. Just trying to fit in here).  

But fo' reals, polygamy's got that freak factor, you know? So then I switch to Sedaris, but he's SUCH a GOOOOOD writer that I always break the 10th commandment and have to start the repentance process. So then I switch back to polygamy and get FREAKED again. 

It's a vicious cycle.   

My problem is I jump ship too easily. My MIL blames it on my commitment issues. When she picks up a book, like it or not, she's 100% fully committed until the bitter end. I can't tell you how many times I've had to listen to her say "OH GAD! Honest to Pete! I just can't stand this book." But she's not a quitter.  No siree. 

Me, I don't judge a book by it's cover, but I neeeeeed the first paragraph to grab me and hold me fast, lest I get distracted and start doing Sudoku or playing Solitaire. 

But there are some books I know I must read no matter what the opening paragraph says.  For instance, on my last (well, technically, first) trip to the library I came across Life of Pi:

I checked it out because for years I've been dying to know what it would be like to float around on a life raft with a tiger, a zebra, and a hyena.   

I checked out books I'd never heard of too.  Like this one:

I don't know why it intrigued me. Maybe because both Amish people and covenants make me itchy. 

But listen to the first paragraph:

Gobbler's Knob had a way of shimmering in the dappled light of deep summer, along about mid-July when the noon-day sun--standing at lofty attention in a bold and blue sky--pierced through the canopy of dense woods, momentarily flingling light onto the forest floor in great golden shafts of luster and dust, causing racoons, moles, and an occasional woodchuck to pause and squint. 

I take issue with 66 word sentences about suns that are high and mighty, woods that are dumb, and woodchucks that are inconsistent.  But mostly I take issue with moles that pause and squint. Next thing you know they'll be wrinkling up their noses and wagging their fingers at all the other animals in the forest.

So I started The Painted Veil. 

The movie looked kinda sexy, but the book begins with a startled cry. 

A woman is terrified and she is quaking and her lips are trembling for a page and a half as she and her quote unquote lover watch the white china door knob turn slowly . . .

Who could it be? Could it be her hub about to find them tattooing a scarlet letter A onto their souls?

She asks her lover frantically, "where is your topee?" and he answers that he left it downstairs.

The problem with this opening is word choice. I accidentally read topee (which is a hat) as toupee. Therefore I imagined her quote unquote lover taking off his hair before they rush upstairs in a passionate embrace.

And then I imagined her hub coming home from work and finding some dude's hair on his kitchen table and thinking, "what the what?"

I was still imagining the bald lover as I read this paragraph:

He gave her a charming smile of which she had always found so irresistible. It was a slow smile which started in his clear blue eyes and traveled by perceptible degrees to his shapely mouth. He had small white even teeth. It was a very sensual smile and it made her heart melt in her body. 

At this point I'm thinking, who cares about his shapely mouth and white even teeth! His freakin' hair is downstairs on your kitchen table!

Then she leans a little towards him, her dark and shining eyes gazing passionately into his, her mouth a little open with desire. At which point she abandons herself with a sigh of ecstasy.

Ewww, lady! He left his HAIR on your TABLE!!!!

That's when I picked up Twilight!  


Sandi said...

am i first?

Sandi said...

yep i am.

Sandi said...

and i even laughed and laughed about the hair on the table and then came to comment. amazing.

Sandi said...

And then I paused to soak in the fact that I am like your dear sweet Kellie Pickler MIL in one way...I'm not sure I'm okay with that... but I too must finish what I start...even if it is a crappy book. I hate that. I have actually stopped in the middle of one, I wish I could remember which one it was so I could warn you. But I am old and tired and my memory is shot- so good luck with that.
P.S. My condolences to Low, who must not have seen your heads-up about what time to expect a new post. I am having a ball hogging up all the top comment spots:)

Sandi said...

I'm begging you to not become a silly goose who obsesses about sparkly vampires. You are tempting fate my dear, and you don't have any flirty palm trees and dancing waves to bring you back to reality. I'm concerned. Go back to the Jack Johnson obsession! I like that so much better!

Sandi said...

but then again a dummy's gotta do what a dummy's gotta do!
o.k. I'm done........just don't get so wrapped up in that dumb book and quit blogging ok.

Sandi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Crash Test Dummy said...

ALOHA Sandi! Congrats on being first-fifth!

I'm sad your KKK comment didn't make it to publication.

DIDN'T YOU LOVE Pam and Jim's episode. I was LOLing through the whole thing. Especially when the lactation specialist came in.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I mean first-seventh. ;) I"m going to call you Kritta tonight.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm feeling a little Kritta-esque myself.

Oh, I'm so worried too. About Twilight. I don't know if I'm more worried that I will like it or that I won't like it.

I'm thinking I should stay on the fence in my ignorant bliss, basking in my false sense of superiority.

I keep putting it off. it's weird. I've read the first chapter, but it feel like I'm procrastinating a chore or something. What's my problem?

Sandi said...

Your problem is that you are remembering all the many times you have mocked the Twilighters and now you are afeared that you might become one of them. Don't do it I say! Put the book down and walk away!! I mean come on, you have suffered through both movies, you've done enough!
tee hee...loved the lactation specialist--and Dwight's baby daddy contract..haha it was good :)

IWA (e - va) said...

LOL.. and ewww! So im going to side bust on yours and sandi's comment fest and let you know that Im actually glad T didnt like it. Personally I think that it introduces feelings that teenagers arent quite ready to deal with... but thats just me!

I enjoyed Book 1 and Book 3. I hated book 2 (it dragged along for me) and I wish the ending of Book 4 was better. The movies dont have anything on the books, like most movies... I never read a vampire book before twillight and after reading it, the thought of someone being a vampire seemed so normal to me (is that weird/wrong?) But really, its an easy quick read, that got me reading again!

I just finished The wednesday Letters...and loved it!

So to each his own.. and if you hate it.. or if you like it.. I wont judge! :)

Garden of Egan said...

Hey crash.....about that prozac.......

Anjeny said...


I think you're tickling my funny bones because I can't stop laughing. I seriously cannot stop laughing..the image you describe.

I think I'm like your MIL too because once I started reading a book, even if it is the worse book I ever read, I can't seem to quit. Which explains why I can't start reading the next book for our RS bookclub because I never finished the one from last month and then I have another really good book seducing me right now to read IT but I just can't.

You think your MIL would mind if I come have her help me finish reading this book so I can borrow her expressions? LOL

And I just love your daughter comment back about Stephanie's dream. She does have a point though.

And Sandi..congratz on being 1st to 7th and the Kritta like comments, looooove it!!!

Anjeny said...

Ok, I think I must've been sleeping in your class, err, I mean in your comment box or on your blog because I can't figure out if you like the Twilight books or not.

Like Iwa, I like book 1 and book 4...I'm leaning toward book 4 to be my favorite one. Book 3 was downright frustrating for me...I literally wanted to beat somebody up from the book, I think I wanted to grab Bella up and beat the snott out of her, the glutz...

Did you read that? Iwa read the Wednesday Letters...I so love that she read it because of my review. So when are you going to read it, or have you read it yet? And why are you reading about polygamy? Are you really trying to fit into the Utard lifestyle? LOL, (ok Utah peeps, no hating on me, I'm seriously joking here)...ahahahah.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Deb you have to read them, because book 2 was my favorite. I think it is beacause I could relate so well to feeling like life is over. So come on. Look to it. I drug my heels forever about reading them also, but really it is kind of nice to be on the inside of all the comments everyone makes.

I was at my sisters book club and they were discussing some article that compared twilight as being like porn for women because it creates unrealistic expectations in women about how men should be. I am not really sure how I feel about it, but I was very amused sitting in this book club of women I kind of know, and watching the sparks fly. There is no denying that Twilight is something people are passionate about.

Sandi said...

You girls are all Twilight WEIRDIES...hahaha jk jk jk I love you all even if you enjoy a little sparkly vampire spider monkey men once in awhile :)

Dolly said...

Move over ESPN commentators!

Here's our very own CTD giving us play by play's of the public library offerings.

I'm with you on the Lovely Bones, Eat Pray Love and Twilight. You can read them to the end without feeling robbed of your time.

Megan and Keli'i said...

Hahahaha! You're awesome!

I'm definitely more like an all-you-can-eat-buffet in my reading style too. Little of this, little of that. And I'm definitely NOT like your MIL. If I don't like it in the first few pages, I won't finish it...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, I only suffered through the first movie. I never saw New Moon. I actually liked the first movie, REMEMBER! But I've now read 50 pages of Twilight. My review coming up tonight. Until then, my lips are sealed.

Iwa, I'm going to read Wednesday Letters now. Since Anjeny inspired you. I'm putting it on my library list along with Hunger Games.

Anjeny, hahahahaha about trying to fit into the lifestyle. You silly goose. I'm reading about Polygamy because the book came free in the mail. ;) I prob won't finish it though because I rarely finish anything I start.

Anjeny I can totally relate to watching to punch Bella! ARGH!

Nutty you are right. It's time to be inside on the comments and opinions. It's time to take a side and take a stand and have an edumacated opinion. I lub the who porn debate. Can't wait to get in on that one.

Sandi, lub your use of the word Weirdies!

Sandi, wasn't The Office heeheelarious last night. I haven't enjoyed it that much in a long time. I told my MIL all about it today. She asked "Do you think I would have laughed?" My hub said "I think you would have said "Oh Gad! Honest to Pete! alot."

Hello Dolly! (Get it? Hello Dolly. Ah, sometimes I crack myself up.)

Megan, HIGH FIVE!!! LY and MY!


T said...

I've said it before but it bears repeating that the Twilight series (while I did actually read and enjoy them for myself) are not really for teenagers... for a multitude of reasons...

and I enjoyed that story MUCH more with the Toupee instead of a silly old hat.

nevadanista said...

Bwahahahahaha! I always break the tenth commandment when I read your blog :)

Jami said...

LOL, I read toupee too. What the what?

I love the library. They know us all by name. Mainly, because we always owe them money.

Emily said...

I found you! Through Laura. I can't read two books at the same time. Not smart enough. But Life of Pi you have to read twice. And please don't hate it for turtle deaths and gross survival stuff (one lady in a book club I was in hated it for those reasons). It is such a smart book. It keeps me changing my mind about it. But I never made it past the first Twilight. And the worst thing about it is that I missed a Bruce Banner allusion.