Let Your Freak Flag Fly

The only thing that bugs me about perfection is that it makes you grumpy.

Think about it, even striving for perfection makes you grumpy.

I learned this from Wife Swap.

In fact, all I need to know about life I learned from Wife Swap.

My hub disagrees. He says all you need to know about life you can learn from sports. But sports can’t prepare you for reality like Wife Swap can.

Sports can’t teach you that people are weird.

It might teach you that refs are weird, especially when they wear those tight polyester shorts, or it might teach you that people are volatile and angry and aggressive, but sports can’t prepare you for all the varieties of weirdies you are going to encounter as you make your way into the world.

For example, on a basketball court you might encounter a bully, but you’ll never know if that bully lets his potbelly pig sleep in bed with him, or if he asks his plants permission to pick them and eat them, unless you watch Wife Swap.

You get me?

Nothing against weird people. They’ve taught me a lot—like it’s okay to wear glittery wings and feed your fairy tree and sing to your bunnies. It’s okay to dress like pirates and pillage your home. And it’s okay to have flies in your house as long as they are house flies. House flies are indigenous to houses, you know. They're ubiquitous, whatever that means.

I’ve learned that Gad would never put anything on this earth to hurt us, so go ahead and lick your kitchen floor clean with your tongue. I’ve seen it done with no physical consequences. Bacteria truly is our friend so let us eat (raw meat), drink (raw eggs), and be merry! For tomorrow we may be in the hospital with E. coli.

Actually drinking raw eggs can help a grown man calm down considerably when he’s curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing hysterically after his new wife forces his children to eat chicken strips.

It sounds weird, but you know what? Weird people ain’t grumpy. Ever noticed that?

Another show that has taught me everything I need to know about life is Ghost Hunters.

Name one ghost for me, besides Casper, who isn't grumpy.

Can't do it, can you, which just goes to show that either the church is true, or old habits die hard, because even dead people continue striving for perfection.

I personally wish dead people would lighten up a bit. In fact, I’m thinking of creating my own reality show called Ghost Swap. Wouldn't that be cool to have like a recycled soul from some sanitarium in California swap haunting grounds with an apparition from a Pittsburgh penitentiary?

Don't you think it would help ghosts remember who they are and what they stand for? Instead of throwing rocks and levitating stuffed teddy bears and being rude to the living, they could learn to be pleasant. And productive. Maybe take a laughing yoga class or help old people find their glasses or denture cream, or whisper helpful advice to newlyweds like Don't forget to put the seat down.

In other words, they could learn to embrace their wounded inner wierdie and, as Shrek the Musical would say, let their freak flag fly.