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Friday, March 19, 2010

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

The only thing that bugs me about perfection is that it makes you grumpy.

Think about it, even striving for perfection makes you grumpy.

I learned this from Wife Swap.

In fact, all I need to know about life I learned from Wife Swap.

My hub disagrees. He says all you need to know about life you can learn from sports. But sports can’t prepare you for reality like Wife Swap can.

Sports can’t teach you that people are weird.

It might teach you that refs are weird, especially when they wear those tight polyester shorts, or it might teach you that people are volatile and angry and aggressive, but sports can’t prepare you for all the varieties of weirdies you are going to encounter as you make your way into the world.

For example, on a basketball court you might encounter a bully, but you’ll never know if that bully lets his potbelly pig sleep in bed with him, or if he asks his plants permission to pick them and eat them, unless you watch Wife Swap.

You get me?

Nothing against weird people. They’ve taught me a lot—like it’s okay to wear glittery wings and feed your fairy tree and sing to your bunnies. It’s okay to dress like pirates and pillage your home. And it’s okay to have flies in your house as long as they are house flies. House flies are indigenous to houses, you know. They're ubiquitous, whatever that means.

I’ve learned that Gad would never put anything on this earth to hurt us, so go ahead and lick your kitchen floor clean with your tongue. I’ve seen it done with no physical consequences. Bacteria truly is our friend so let us eat (raw meat), drink (raw eggs), and be merry! For tomorrow we may be in the hospital with E. coli.

Actually drinking raw eggs can help a grown man calm down considerably when he’s curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing hysterically after his new wife forces his children to eat chicken strips.

It sounds weird, but you know what? Weird people ain’t grumpy. Ever noticed that?

Another show that has taught me everything I need to know about life is Ghost Hunters.

Name one ghost for me, besides Casper, who isn't grumpy.

Can't do it, can you, which just goes to show that either the church is true, or old habits die hard, because even dead people continue striving for perfection.

I personally wish dead people would lighten up a bit. In fact, I’m thinking of creating my own reality show called Ghost Swap. Wouldn't that be cool to have like a recycled soul from some sanitarium in California swap haunting grounds with an apparition from a Pittsburgh penitentiary?

Don't you think it would help ghosts remember who they are and what they stand for? Instead of throwing rocks and levitating stuffed teddy bears and being rude to the living, they could learn to be pleasant. And productive. Maybe take a laughing yoga class or help old people find their glasses or denture cream, or whisper helpful advice to newlyweds like Don't forget to put the seat down.

In other words, they could learn to embrace their wounded inner wierdie and, as Shrek the Musical would say, let their freak flag fly.

19 comments:

kasey kaufusi said...

we love the word weirdie in my house! We use it on a daily basis! and wife swap Love that show, I remember once an animal rights lady got sent to a home where they loved hunting and she was bawling and petting the stuffed heads that were hung on the wall apologizing to them! I agree weirdies are never grumpy....i should try that

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Wife Swap- the show I can't get my husband to sit and watch with me. He must not like learning about life.

Stephen said...

Ghost Swap? That was clever and funny.

Sandi said...

Yep, KK should definitely try being a weirdie....she's got that grumpy thing down pat already! So in the words of the famous Crash Test Dummy, "Embrace your inner weirdie!" That is my new motto and I am going to do my best to live up to my full potential- woooohoooo!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee YES, we should all live up to our full potential, Sandi. So KK, try being a weirdie instead of perfectionist.

Weirdies have so much more fun.

LoW, guess what! I was true to my word. Yesterday I went to the library and checked out A Girl Named Zippy. (Hunger Games is still checked out, Sandi.) I'm on page 80 and it is SO. DARN. CUTE!

Mahalo Stephen, (my bro)!

DeNae said...

"Ghost Swap" would go perfectly with the show I just pitched to the Discovery Channel: "Wife Hunter". The announcer guy with the almost freakishly serious voice - like the one who does the 'Law and Order' gig - would say "Wife Hunter: This ain't no 'Bachelorette'"

We'll be rollin' in it, Crash! ROLLIN' IN IT!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HA HA HA HA

Oh, DeNae, why didn't I think of that?

Can I be your side kick?

ba dum bum

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

The Hunger Games is TERRIBLE!!!!

Who suggested that???

Sandi!!!

:-O

(hehe!! But it really is..... awful. And hard to stop reading. But really, it's a shame of a book and disturbing even if I read both)

:)

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Oh... but glad you are enjoying Zippy!!! It's a fun read! :-D

donkeybray said...

Dear CTD: Yours is one of the three blogs I read every day. Love it! But since I'm old enough to be your grandmother, I feel compelled to comment on the title of today's blog.

First of all, your play lists are awesome and have introduced me to tunes I might not have heard otherwise.

"Letting your freak flag fly" immediately got my attention. I thought, "This girl is really something if she can quote from CSN&Y 40 years ago!"

As I read down, it became apparent that the quote you were referring to was from "Shrek" and not from David Crosby's "Almost Cut My Hair."

I learn something new every day. Shrek, huh? Did Mr. Crosby get credit in the movie for the line? Just curious.

Thanks for wading through this.
Your constant reader in Safford, Arizona.

Dani{heart} said...

My dance company is doing a dance to that song.
Let Your Freak Flag Fly
It's fabulous

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi Dani, make sure you invite me. I lub that song.

And donkeybray. I LUB Almost Cut My Hair. LUB LUB CS&N. I used to listen to that song all the time about 10 years ago. I am going to add that to my playlist just for you. My gift to you for reading me every day. And because I'm in a 60's state of mind today. Maybe I'll add some Carole King too and some Simon and Garfunkel. Who, may I ask, do I share the honor of sharing your blog reads with?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I hope Mr. Crosby did get credit. I'm very sure he inspired the whole notion.

April said...

Do freaky people know they're freaky? My witty button is broken. Darn it! I need to hang out with DaNae. That woman cracks me up!

donkeybray said...

Dear CTD: Danae and Motherboard. And sometimes Sue. And, oh yeah, Dooce. And CJane and Nie Nie most times.

But you three faves frequently have such "meaty" blogs. And I learn. And I'm often inspired. Actually, I'm only in it for the laughs. (not really, but you guys do crack me up from time to time.) Thanks for the 60's nod!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I love Freak Flag song. I think it may be one of the theme songs for my life. Just sayin.

Looks like I am tardy for the pardy once again.

April said...

I don't think NHC is a freak yet she labels herself as one. So what does that say about me and the question I asked earlier? Am I a freak and I don't know it? Uh-oh! muwahahaha!

SWIRL said...

I don't know how you have so much time to write and be clever and watch so many programs.. and take so many pictures and meet so many bloggers and be at all your kids sporting events.. and list goes on and on and on.....while baking bread and bringing rice to the poor and educating utards and...

WHEW!-- on top of it all... remember all us here in Hawaii who miss you terribly! Thanks so much for your creative help with the play-- it was so dang adorable!

IWA (e - va) said...

The first two lines of your blog couldn’t have been truer for me and all the people who live in my household.

We had white glove today and that coupled with my being a obsessed neurotic over achiever I’ve been unbearably grumpy... I don’t know if I read your blog first and subconsciously turned grumpy when trying to achieve perfection in my cleaning or if I started cleaning sat down to read your blog during a break and realized I was going about the cleaning thing all wrong.. but all I can say is that trying to achieve perfection in house cleaning SUCKS! And I really wish I had taken the weirdo/ weirdy approach.. left my house messy.. which would have led to and getting fined and having the RA’s talk about how filthy my house is.... I think it would have been a much more enjoyable story to tell!

You notice how I refuse to take any responsibility for anything that might have gone wrong in my household in the past two days. As much as I love cheap rent BYUH is so restrictive… I cant wait to move out!

WV: cakeries..... :)