Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Only in Utah

Last week I went to the post office to pick up a package. The line was longer than Fast Sunday, mostly because one lady was mailing truckloads of "Stampin' Up" packages.

"Only in Utah!" the guy in front of me said.

It struck me that I haven't used that phrase yet since I moved to Utah. I mean, when I lived on Long Island I said "Only in New York" all the time, like every time I paid $4.99 PER POUND for an all-you-can-eat-buffet, or every time a public toilet flushed before I was done with my bizness, or every time I got flipped off for obeying the traffic laws.

(In Utah they would throw me a parade if I obeyed the traffic laws.)

When I lived in Hawaii I said, "Only in Hawaii," all the time too, like every time I woke up with a cockroach in my ear, or every time my screen door was installed backwards, or every time a car waved at me to turn in front of him.

(I would throw Utah a parade if anyone ever waved at me to turn in front of him.)

So why haven't I said "Only in Utah" yet?

I have no idea. But it's about time I did.

I should have said it last night at the Relief Society birthday party when they served kalua pig with mashed potatoes and gravy.

Call me crazy, but I get a sense that people here suffer from rice-ophobia.

Last week my Stake YW Prez asked me to cook some rice for the YW recognition dinner. I honestly didn't know what to say when she dropped off the dainty little bag of long grain rice--all 32 oz of it.

Even my newspaper could kick that long grain's trash.

Not to be snobby, but I buy Calrose.

In bulk.

When my prez handed me a set of instructions on how to cook rice on the stove top I took her gently by the hand and led her to my kitchen where I showed her my shiny stainless steel rice cooker. I pushed the start button and said, "this is how I cook rice, girlfriend."

After the recognition dinner I went into the kitchen to pick up my rice pot and wouldn't you know it, not a single grain of that 32 oz. had been eaten.

Only in Utah!

There are other things that happen only in Utah. Like good sportsmanship. Everyone is afeared of contention around these parts. My twins basketball league doesn't even keep score. They don't call fouls either. They just want everyone to have a positive experience and feel like winners.

Ward basketball takes sportsmanship to a whole nother level. The boys can get away with being a little mouthy now and again, but the girls have to gather in a circle and read this poster out loud which outlines the purpose of Utah area sports.

And then they repeat the Young Women theme.

Parents and siblings have obligations to help keep the peace as well.

But by no means is the church the only entity concerned about the conflicts that can and will arise from athletic competition.

A few days ago my daughter came home with a contract I had to read and sign and swear on the Holy Bible to abide by in order for her to play club soccer.

1. Parents must not coach from the side line.

2. Parents should not criticize their child on any part of their child's game since it may cause confusion and erode the player's confidence.

3. Be your child's best fan and support her unconditionally. Don't withdraw your love when she performs below her standard.

4. On transporting your daughter home, please be supportive and always focus on the positive aspects of her game.

5. Monitor your child's stress level at home. Keep an eye on your player and make sure they are handling stress effectively from the various activities of life.

6. Be sure that your child is eating the correct foods and is in bed by 9:30 p.m.

7. Help your child keep priorities correct. she needs to maintain a focus on schoolwork, relationships and other things in life besides soccer.

8. Do not criticize the coach or other players on the team or on the opposing team, or other player's parents or parents of the opposing team.

9. View the game 4-5 feet back from the sidelines.

Of course I signed my name in blood on the dotted line:

R. U. Serious


But I left out my middle name, "Freaking," because it sounded too formal.

Ironically, this post is circular in nature, so let's end at the very beginning, with me at the post office receiving a package and wondering why I never use the phrase "only in Utah."

The package was a gift from my Hub's old Health Center staff at BYU-Hawaii--some kind of specially carved Maori shark tooth studded swords--aka, fierce instruments of war meant for impaling one's enemy in the heat of battle.

Only in Utah would I pretend they are ancient Chinese dust busters when the neighbors drop by to chat.


IWA (e - va) said...

where's sandi?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hahahahah Iwa, you beat her to the punch today.

hee hee hee

IWA (e - va) said...

LOL! this post was awesomely (word?) funny!

I think you're totally on to something..... That is why they (utahans) are all mad drivers, they dont eat enough rice (carbs)!Maybe you can be help Utahans take their sportsmanship attitudes on the road. Show them how to make a "real" lunch or "snack" with lots of rice, feed them all at the games, while you sit 4-5 feet from the sidelines smiling nicely and convert all them crazy drivers!

April said...

Only in Southern Utah do they stop the game and make the men say the Utah Area Sports Theme over again because someone swears on the court. True. Story. :)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

April, No way.

Crash could you please sign one of those contract thingys for me? I would love it if my life were that good. To bed so early, and food, and all that positive affirmations. No freakin way. Alls I get is teenage attitudes and complaints.

Will there be supervision at your house to make sure you are keeping all the rules?

Kelly said...

That is hilarious! My husband was wondering why I was laughing so hard. Oh! Got to go! it is 9:31 and the kids aren't in bed...


katie t said...

why and when has it gotten this bad??? i played sports...i coached sports and i NEVER had my players sign anything remotely similar to that!?!?

that is half the fun! hearing your parents scream from the sidelines. my mom was nautorious...NAUTORIOUS for that and it was the team joke. one that pumped us up.

too bad. so sad. they'll miss out on the fun...and i HOPE that YOU as a parent WILL BE KEEPING SCORE during your twins games!!???!!


DeNae said...

Well I am just disgusted with the complete PANSY-ness of current church ball rules. If my brother didn't get tossed out of the game, the building, the parking lot, and the zip code during every church basketball game in which he played, then both teams got a do-over. And my dad was the ref - when he wasn't himself being escorted out of the building by the stake athletic guys.

The first basketball reffing signal I ever learned was the "T", for "Ta-Ta, DeNae's brother and dad."

Anonymous said...


Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Chinese dusters....bwhahah! Love that.

And yes they are serious. Haven't you heard of the parents that ended up getting into fist fights and carrying guns to their CHILDREN'S games??

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Only in the south does everyone eat long grain rice (must be long grain) with every meal. Even Thanksgiving. Even under beef stew. (potatoes AND rice???) And never ever a potato.

I for one love potatoes and Calrose rice and my rice cooker that my mother in law gave me. She'd probably be disappointed if she knew I didn't use it to cook long grain rice though.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

And one more. When we lived in Utah my husband said at work one of the guys was saying he got in a fist fight with a Bishop at a church basketball game.

And I remember playing basketball in highschool and then at church and one was way more violent than the other. Guess which? :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

What? Are you kidding me, Andrea? In Utah? Hmmmm . . . I need to add this to the equation.

Katie, maybe that answers your question (and mine) about why it's gotten so bad.

Oh DeNae, you come from one of "those" families. The TTFN type. I just pray there were no swear words involved. I've seen that a few times.

Iwa, I think you're on to something. Seriously. I'm forming a whole nother theory.

April, NOOOO! You're kidding me.

Wouldn't it be cool if we knew what that Chinese comment said. I wonder if it has something to do with the dust busters. I'll be trying to translate it all day. Does anyone speak Chinese?

Nutty, Amen, they should have the kids signing contracts for US.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, High Five about the Calrose rice. That is awesome. We are soul sistahs, fo' sure.

And are you serious about the bishop getting in a fist fight. hahahahahahaha Well ain't that oxymormonic. I feel a whole new post coming on.

In Hawaii they don't even have church basketball AT ALL. They get in fist fights in sacrament meeting. True story. Martha saw the whole thing.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Golly, it sounds like they don't leave much to chance around there. I mean, isn't some of that stuff a bit agency encroaching?

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

***HUGE ROLLING OF THE EYES*** Only in Utah indeed!
Wicked awesome sword though ;-)

DeNae said...

The first part of that Chinese comment says, "The recognition and support you!!!" I don't know about the rest of it; I'll have my son's pal look at it.

(WV: "emates". That's what we are!!)

Sandi said...

Here I am Iwa! Dang I almost missed this party! R.U. Serious is exactly right!! Holy Moly do they really require you to sign that? what happens is you don't? What happens if you slip up and violate one of their rules/standards/virtues? Do they know you own deadly Maori weapons of war???
I do have a few only's of my own to share:
Only in Snowflake can you say "oh Hell!" in the Bishop's office when asked to be in charge of a float for pioneer days.
Only in Snowflake does the worker at Macdonalds correct you when you order a regular coke instead of your normal diet one.
Only in Snowflake do people talk about how they got SCREWED and how there is junk in their trunk from the pulpit on Fast Sunday!
p.s. I wonder if only in Snowflake do I have to drive 25 miles in order to purchase Calrose rice?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha Sandi, that is small town goodness for ya. I don't think you can even say "Oh, HELK" in the bishop's office here. Even if you get called to be the YW Prez.

DeNae, you speak Chinese too? I lub that some Chinese guy recognizes and supports me. Way cool.

Miss Heidi, we are on the teach AND enforce correct principals plan. ;) Hey,are you going to be at Storymakers?

Emily, my dearest cousin who used to live in Utah, hee hee hee. LY

SWIRL said...


and on!

That was so funnY! i love the baby bag of rice..I want to dress it in booties and a bib!

I also was laughing so hard at your twilight photo... You Rock- Hard!

Peter Pani Po Po is tomorrow-- and everything is clicking along splendidly... we've modified your script... just a pinch-- but everyone loves the Capt. Hook imposter Cook at the Hukilau! We are going to put a blender attachment on his "hook" so he looks like he's cooking...

I hope the video turns out well... I am still working on getting a student to shoot it.

Miss you guys TONS!

Braden said...

I am shocked, shocked that they don't let kids run around during these games. Those are some of the best memories of growing up in the Church in UTAH!!!! I am so shocked and disappointed that I can think of nothing else to say. I'm just glad we live in the mission field where kids can still run unattended during ward dinners and stake conferences.

Martha said...

Way too funny. I just came from a tennis match and I think I violated the first part of rule #8. Josh's coach still won't let me help and I have so much that to share it's driving me crazy.

Hey, good thing the soccer contract didn't say anything about grandparents. So if you want to break some rules get Al's dad to do it for you!

What are the little kids sposed to do during stake bball? Do they expect them to sit there and watch? Good grief.

I think you should photoshop that picture of Wyatt into a Twilight pic.

We saw the friends at the Health Center today. I'm getting A & J more acne meds because Adam is so buff now that people have been telling him he should be a surfer model. So after the acne has cleared up--watch out.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, Martha, Martha, tonight I was at a little program at the twins elementary school and guess who came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder? Guess, guess guess!!! Tyler Augenbaugh. OMGOSH, I almost fell off my chair. He lives like a mile from me. LONG STORY, which you probably already know. It was so good to see him, but he can't play tennis due to his health conditions. I'm bummed because Tatum needs a partner. She is getting so dang good. I lub you idea about vampire photo manipulating Wyatt's pic. ha ha ha ha ha Adam would make a great surfer model.

Braden, we do everything reverently and quitely here. Except drive.

Hahahah Swirl, glad you liked it. I miss having you come over and laughing with you. Good luck with Peter Pani Po Po. Can't wait to see it.

April said...

In southern utah you can say "ass" in your bishop's office...well at least I did the other day....hehehehe!

Sandi said...

April- Why am I not surprised?

April said...