Monday, March 1, 2010

To say, or not to say (what I need to say). That is the question.

Sometimes I feel like a fatherless child. 

And sometimes I feel like I have a scarlet letter L on my forehead. 

And sometimes I feel like John Mayer is the only one who wants me to say what I need to say. 

Before I moved to Utah my dear friend, Elaine, who sent me $14.5o worth of Temple Beach, told me that in order to be happy anywhere you have to take people case by case.  Don't generalize. Don't judge. 

"There are cool people everywhere and you will find them," she told me.  

She was right.  

I have found so many interesting people--all with their charms and quirks--who don't take themselves and their "stuff" too seriously.  

But then there's always that one church lady in the crowd. Somewhere. Scowling at me. Wagging her finger. Wrinkling her nose. 

I think I might have finger wagging, nose wrinkling issues. 

Take last week for instance, I was at my Stake YW President's lovely house sitting around her lovely dinner table eating lovely Zuppa Toscana soup with all the other lovely YW Presidents in the stake. 

It was all very lovely, but I kept thinking to myself, "One of these dummies is not like the others." 

And then I realized that dummy was . . . GULP! . . . me. 

I'm pretty sure it was me anyway.  At least that's what I thought when I asked a question and one of the other presidents said, "you'll find that answer on page 85 in the handbook." 

People don't just read the handbook around here . . . they memorize it, AND cross reference it. 

But most of all, they follow it.  

We talked about Personal Progress, and Sister Handbook told us how successfully she was converting the other auxiliaries.  The primary leaders were on board and the Relief Society sisters were too.  Even some of the Elders were asking if they could earn their YW medallion. Apparently the whole ward was on fire.  

"I gave away at least twenty Personal Progress books last Sunday alone," she said.  

Me, I can't even convert my young women to Personal Progress. 

When we talked about girls camp, Sister Handbook told us that all of their activities will be compared to the life of Christ. Horse back riding--Christ entering Jerusalem on his donkey. Water skiing--Christ walking on water. 

When it was my turn, I was like, "um . . . we're going to the Tuacahn . . . to see . . .  Tarzan." 

If you want to silence a room full of YW presidents, tell them you're taking your girls to see Tarzan for camp.  

I'm new at this gig, but didn't Tarzan live in the wilderness?  

Maybe we'll swing from some vines and compare it to the vine-yard of the Lord.

When we talked about Trek, Sister Handbook pulled out charts and graphs which would help her youth prepare. 

I was just going to tell them to wear sunscreen.  

To add injury to insult, today wasn't the best day ever at church. 

I didn't sing this song during opening exercises as I usually do because I was too busy feeling like it wasn't the best day ever. 

It all started when I learned that there is a mole among us.  Moles aren't rats so they can't rat you out, so to speak, but a mole has moled me out to the proper authorities in the Sponge Bob ward and I have been issued a gag order. 

That's right, I have been asked nicely to stop divulging our scripts and story lines. 

I guess cartoons need privacy too. 

As do moles.  My mole opted to remain anonymous and let the proper authorities silence me like a lamb. 

On the bright side, I'm sure my mole moled me out with love.  Or maybe she just hates my guts. I'll never know. I'll be forever left to wander around the halls at church thinking "Are you the mole? aRe you the mole? arE. YOU. the. MOLE?"  

But don't cry for me, Argentina.  I got down on my hands and knees and begged the proper authorities to please, please, please allow me the freedom of speech to say what I need to say. 

Then, since I was already down on one knee, I asked them to marry me. 

They said no.  But yes. 

As long as I stop dropping names.  

I agreed and we're now living happily ever after once again.  

Soooo . . . for the record, Russell and the Thornberries don't really live in my ward.  And neither does Sponge Bob.  


(But . . . psst . . . I still believe that deep down everyone has a cartoon character waiting to get out.)

(They'll never get me to deny that.) 

(But you didn't hear it from me.)  


The Mom said...

The Dad says to tell you he thinks he's Foghorn Leghorn.

And I think you're amazing.

OldBoatGuy said...

Yes, she is amazing. We know that. Her family knows that. It's just Sister Handbook that doesn't know that. YEH CRASH!

My25Cents said...

I just think the mole was unhappy with the Sponge Bob character name assigned to him/her. Maybe it can be "CRABBY" Patty/Patrick. Yep, I like it.

Your blog. Your prerogative (Bobby Brown anyone?). It's decided, you're brilliant -- Evita and all.

Braden Bell said...

I think Mom and 25 cents have hit on to something with suggesting cartoon characters. That might be an excellent fundraiser for girl's camp theatre tickets: let people in your ward pay to decide which cartoon character they will be.

Seriously, this is kind of a hard line--the blogging/privacy one. I'm sorry it's cramping your style--which is fun to read, and I know it must be frustrating. At the same time, I do sort of see the other side, too and wanting privacy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

The Mom, ha ha ha Tell The Dad he is very in tune with his inner cartoon. Only not as dated. ;) And mahalo for the kind words.

You too, OBG. For some reason I could almost picture you in a cheer skirt.

My 25 cents, it's amazing how far 25 cents can stretch. SHAKA, girl!

Braden Bell, it's true what you say. Being a newly published author you understand how tricky it can be not stepping on anyone's toes while you're staying what you need to say.

Bottom line is some things don't need to be said.

(But some things don't need to be taken to the proper authorities either.)

Sandi said...

LOL @ Sister Handbook- everybody knows one of those, right? so we can all relate. I'm not liking this news and the thought that someone thinks you need to be reigned they know who they are dealing with? haha. Well, you gotta do whatcha gotta do. If we must go on with no more sponge bob news, then I guess we will. But I am still having a great time figuring out which character is which in my own ward- thanks for that grand idea of how to entertain myself during the slow church days! And the good thing is, that there really are usually more of the cool people than the little stinky moles!

Barbaloot said...

Can I please be in your ward when you go to the Tuacahn?

And also, I thought you should know that when I pulled up your blog my pandora started playing John Mayer. I thought that was appropriate and vaguely creepy.

springrose said...

This happened to me before Thanksgiving. I now no longer even write about my ward. I just found out about 5 women in my ward read my blog that I didn't know about! So mum's the word on the ward!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee Barb, I planned and plotted that vaguely creepy and appropriate John Mayer stunt.

And YES, you can come.

Sandi, I'm not going to let this cramp my style. I will just have to be more sensitive and politically correct, if that's possible. ;) LOL

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Springrose, awwww, ain't that a shame.

Tiffany said...

Well, here's a compliment for you to pick you up: some days it's people like you that make being a Mormon tolerable.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I have a wacky theory that every ward is made up of the same kind of people, so when you move to a new ward you just have to figure out which people are which. apparantly some can be more witch than others. its times like these that we must remember to carry on, carry on.

Becca said...

Yeah. I'm feeling your pain. And yeah, anonymity goes a long way. But there's still that group, lurking, reading, wondering "is that me? IS THAT me? Is that ME?" and you have to decide how much you care what they're thinking when they're lurking.

Jami said...

I've gotten in trouble for my blog twice. Both times sucked. Both times I knew exactly who had ratted me out. Both times I felt the tingling stinging sensation that can occur during betrayal. Both times I ignored them.

I'm sorry. It hurts to be real sometimes.

Bean There...Done That said...

Dear Dummy
I LuB, LuB, LuB your guts, please don't ever change your ooey, gooey, writings just because that Ol' Church Lady was waggin her finger in the wind. Truth be known; she's been waggin her index finger up and down at me for 20+ years...yada, yada, yada.

Stay true to you cuz you certainly ain't no dummy!

PS. I have picture proof of Russell (wink, wink)

Tiffany said...

this is so funny because you dont actually even use anyones real name, you just use Characters. What are they thinking?

I bet the mole is reading your blog right now and trying to figure out a way to stop you. It is like you are batman and she is the Joker and she is trying to be your undoing.

Mole, get out of the blog world if you are so bothered by cartoons. Seriously Peeps.

IWA (e - va) said...

Dont they understand that in Blogland that are suppose to take the same vow of silence that they take when they go to Vegas...or Mesquite!

btw... My sister and I were singing #2 (on your playlist) all night and we laughed and laughed and then i told her how cool elaine was to send you sand! I love her advice!

Just know that what goes around comes around... and that they will never know how cool you really are now! Maybe the mole was just jealous that you didnt give her a character... do it.. do it! lol! sorry im not be tolerant and loving!

PS i love the playlist arrangment for this post!!! really! :)

robin said...

I can't take it anymore...I CONFESS! I'M THE MOLE!!! JK. That was just my overactive guilt complex talking. I'm not even in your ward. It has me thinking, however, what Spongebob character would I be? If you asked my husband I would be a cross between Mr. Crabs (hoarding money) and Squidward (driven nuts by Spongebob's antics).

IWA (e - va) said...

OHEMGEE! haha! Your playlist totally tricked me! It was on loud for the rest of the neighborhood to hear and all of a sudden the intro to OH (by Ciara) started to play and i walked back to the computer to see if it ws really coming from your playlist! But if you actually had her full song on.. it would totally match the mood!

WV: itarty.........Im a little bit sweet, but mostly I tarty!

DeNae said...

Yeah, imagine my surprise to discover that our mutual friend KR reads both of our blogs! And her husband is my stake pres!

It's a tricky dance, isn't it? I'd like to think we can get away with what we say because we hide behind the, "Hey, just kidding, gang!" curtain.

But probably not.

I will say, I don't put anything on my blog I'm not prepared to live with. If I'm "outed", or if I've hurt someone's feelings, I will apologize in person and immediately remove whatever it was that made them feel bad.

People are more important than punch-lines. It took me a while to figure that out.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aww shucks, peeps! I just came home to read all of your sweet comments.

I giggled a lot. Especially at Bean There, Done that because she's in my ward and she has picture proof of Russel. (wink wink) hee hee I lub that she said lub too. Thanks Bean! You totally made my day.

Tiffany, ha ha I did use two first names last week and that's probably the concern. I shouldn't have done that.

Iwa, thanks for your support, girlfriend. LUB YOU! You are so musically in tune. I love that you noticed the arrangement. Hey, I have a new song for you. I think you'd love it. It's #106 on my playlist. It's called Leave Right Now by Will Young (I think). I thought of you when I heard it. Hey, give you sis a shaka for me. And your mom. I MISS YOU GUYS!

Robin, I love that you are a cross between Squidward and Mr. Crabs. Is Sponge Bob your hub?

DeNae, thank you. You're right. It's a tricky dance. And people are more important than punchlines. And hey, I'm going to come to the CBC and meet you and listen to your lecture. YAY! Can't WAIT!!! So excited.

Thank you all!


Tiffany with the cool red sunglasses . . . MUCHOS MAHALO! I think that's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten. LY!

Becca, "you have to decide how much you care what they're thinking when they're lurking" That was bee-U-tifully put. And that hits the nail on the head.

I've officially decided I don't care.

But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I'm always so careful not to rude. I know I'm hard to "GET" sometimes so I don't blame the mole for being AFEARED!

Jami "It hurts to be real sometimes!" Oh, Jami. I lub you. You are so right. It hurts a lot to be real. But it hurts a lot worse to NOT be real.

SWIRL said...

aw-- those sweet spirits in utah... did you say, "I've been making fun of utards way before we moved here?" -- so don't take it personally.

And that is too bad.. It was always the fun part of my week... to spend a week with you and then read the Crash version of what really (didn't) happen.

What to do? - now that Swirl can't be the party pooper in your plans anymore. Shall I come on a road trip?

We miss you tons and I sent you an email and WE desperately need your creative help here-- so go read and respond ASAP!

Sandi said...

LOL @ Swirl :)

nevadanista said...

Squidward needs to get a freakin' life. Just keep sayin' what you need to say.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha at Swirl. Swirl you got poked in the eye more than anyone. Well, besides Martha. You guys were SUCH good sports. I LUB YOU GUYS!



They just don't know the real me here in Utah yet.

And ha ha at Nevada for knowing squidward that well. High Five girl. Hey everyone, Nevada has transformed into an INCREDIBLE photographer. It's unreal. Seriously. Go check out here blog.

robin said...

my hub and my kids could all play the part of Spongebob - although one of my kids has a REALLY annoying laugh that goes well with the Spongebob persona.

lori said...

I think you just need to write "Bless their hearts" at the end, then you can say whatever you need to say, right?!? :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hahahahahahahahah Oh, Lori, you know me so well.

I just lub it when people GET ME.

You get me?

Robin, I hear you. (or should I say, I get you.)

For the record, Sponge Bob is one of my favorite cartoons. Can you find smarter/dumber writing?

April said...

Oh Crash got the kibosh on the cartoon characters! How rude! Almost as fun as someone in your ward standing up on Sunday to give a talk on reverence and saying to the congregation..."after sitting up here for a few minutes, I now know why I was inspired to give a talk on reverence."

And Robin is right.....she has a son who is a dead ringer for Patrick. In fact they call him that some days...and it's NOT his real name. hahahaha!

Mariko said...

Thank goodness you're not like the others.
Where would we be without you to look down on?

katie t said...


you are officially, or i am officially your new blogger buddy. i randomly found it and have been laughing all night!!!

cartoon character? oh for sure and DO NOT LET THEM EVER QUIET YOU. PLEEEEEEASE for our sanity. lol

so i'll be back and you'll have to head over to mine when you have some time.

ps btw...this is katie. your across the street neighbor and one last btw...i love your boys. having them in class is hilarious and they have such great personalities and they are so competitive!!! i love it!!!


Jamie said...

Seriously??? Sorry it wasn't a great day for you. For the record, you make me laugh so much I should start wearing Depends when I pull up your blog - even when your "makeout" stories are not accurate ;)! Carry on!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jamie, ha ha uhhh . . . about that. A lot of my stories aren't completely accurate. Based on truth though. But stretched a bit for dramatic effect. hee hee Got that gift from my Gigi.

Most of my readers don't believe a word I say so no worries. ;)