Sunday, October 19, 2008

I am Mormon, Hear Me Roar! (from a loving place)

Blogging has empowered me!

The Mormon Mommy Bloggers are changing (and blowing) my mind about the possibilities of telling the truth in a Mormon world.

So glad I moved into this neighborhood. (btw, I've been meaning to ask, do you guys think Sue is okay? She seems really tired and overwhelmed and underpaid and she's hallucinating about her ice skating abilities. Do you think we should do an intervention? Or should we just have a slumber party and watch Ice Castles and Ice Princess and the Ice Capades?)

(And also, can I just send a shout out to all of my blogging sistas in this hood who came rushing to my side yesterday when I was in pain. Pat makes the best home-made rolls and chicken soup and all those cyber hugs and words of encouragement really pulled me through. I'm still mad that I missed half of The Office to talk about visiting teaching, but it's nice to feel cyber-cozy love.)

(If you don't mind just one more parenthetical interruption, I'd like to share a valuable lesson that I learned from the whole dental-day experience:

Fresh starts ROCK! If you think about it, they don't say out with the old and in with the new for nothin. Even though it's painful to extract the old--more painful than an emergency c-section sometimes because . . . well, you're conscious and your face is the thing getting stretch marks, which is a bummer because your face is the first thing everyone sees--once you're all healed and your face snaps back into shape you realize you can chew again! And you can't believe how much you've missed it.

Chewing is awesome! (unless you're chewing tatortot casserole.)

There's a moral there. There's a definite moral.) End of parenthetical interruption!

So anyway, back to my empowerment. Or are you guys bored already?

The first step in my eternal progression starts today!

I can actually feel it starting because I've never ever been able to say I am Mormon, hear me roar! with a straight face before. I've never even been able to say I am Mormon! with a straight face before. Now I've said it 3 times in one post.

That's it. That's all I have to say for now.

You guys can go now.

Go on. The rest of this post is for Lisa's eyes only. If you are not Lisa and you are not my BBFF, then you should probably stop reading now.

If you're still reading then you're invading my privacy, you're eavesdropping, you're peeping tom-ming, you're putting your nose in somebody else's beeswax.

Dear Lisa,
The other day you accused me of being SO full of it that you don't know what to believe anymore.

First of all, I don't know why you insist on questioning my credibility in front of my readers?

I'm trying to wallow in words meant to mystify here! Can you work with me? Did you not get the memo that Mormons. Must. Lie. Because:

1.) They can't handle the truth.
2.) You can't handle the truth.
3.) I can't handle the truth.
4.) We can't handle the truth.
5.) And vice versa.

(I say that from a loving place.)

Truth is a lot like knowledge: you can only handle so much at a time.

Perhaps you've heard the phrase line upon line?

As a writer, sometimes you have to invent crazy stuff to make the real stuff believable.

And sometimes you have to invent delicious stuff to make the real stuff digestible.

(And sometimes you just have to invent crazy-delicious stuff.)

If a reader is patient and willing to break a sweat, the truth, when stretched a bit, can be a deliciously crazy treat.

If you could just enjoy the treat and keep your trap shut, I'd appreciate it.


Can I help it if I've been blessed to have a grandma who is from Portage because everyone from Portage is born under the arc of the rainbow of the covenant of exaggeration. She was also struck by lightening twice before she gave birth to my mom so I've also been blessed with an electromagnetic force field which channels Erma Bombeck.

And now, for your eyes only, I have written The Crash Test Dummy for Dummies to help you crack my code.

(Please don''t share this with anyone else. It's not yet copy righted. Plus I would like my readers to exit this blog scratching their heads and saying what the h.e. double. hockey. sticks?

Ancient Chinese CTD Secrets:

1. Almost everything is true.
2. Almost everything else is a lie.
3. You can tell it's a lie, if you're laughing.
4. If you're crying it's true.
5. If your conscience is pricked it's true.
6. Everything that comes out of my kid's mouth is true.
7. Everything that comes out of my husband's mouth is a lie.
8. Everything that comes out of my CWT's mouth has a fancy spin on it or is grossly exaggerated.
9. None of the people, places or events mentioned have been invented.
10. The sassy tone of this blog does not necessarily represent the sassy tone of the Crash Test Dummy and all similarities to the sassy tone of persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.

Now get off my back!

Love always,


Kristina P. said...

I'm guessing you left at least 24 secrets on my blog, so you could feel better about being Liar McLiar pants.

Jami said...


Whew, glad I got that out of my system.

Sue needs a nap. Perhaps a vacation in Hawaii. $10,000 probably would be welcomed as well.

You need to get caller ID so you can avoid phone calls during The Office, but know who to call once your show is over.

Chewing is good. It's so good I'm thinking of wiring my jaws shut with paperclips. Glad your mouth is happier.

I can't comment on the rest because I didn't read it.

Becky said...

Gosh, I didn't know that Mormons roared. I'm not really that kind of girl; I should find something that's more my style. Maybe I'll start my own tator-tot-casserole-centered franchise and make millions, and then it wouldn't matter if I didn't roar. All my ward members would have to like me anyway because I'd be so stinkin' rich. Thanks for facilitating my new life plan!

(Oh, and when I do get stinkin' rich, I'll drop Sue that $10,000 she totally deserves.)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

There is no help for Sue! As for you...I have been traveling and am so sad I wasn't there to comfort and protect you! lol!

But...I enjoy your blog and take everything as I was shocked to read that you exaggerate things...I was going to write the First Presidency an email to put your words into Doctrine because of the truthfulness of it all...

aaahhh learning about Santa dreams were dashed.

Have a good are hilarious!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Great post as always!!!!

*MARY* said...

I'm all about telling the truth so I'm going to admit I read the "Dear Lisa" part.
You really should only publish absolute fact on your blog, like I do.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi girls!

Kristina P--Yes! you guessed right.

Jami--thank you for respecting my wishes. I know I could trust you with my life.

Becky--If you make a dime of tator tot casserole it's coming to ME because I gave you that idea. Forget SUE! Why is it always about SUE? SUE? SUE?

Shelle--I missed your during my crisis, and can you still write the first presidency and ask them to read my blog. If they endorse it I could get famous fast.

Emily--thank you for the 5 exclamation points. That made your words of affirmation 5 times as warm.

Mary-- ha ha ha ha ha GOOD ONE! ha ha ha ha. That has to be the most ironic comment ever. ha hah

The Crash Test Dummy said...

P.S. Hey, you guys, do you think I ticked Lisa off?

Jami said...

Lisa is just taking a day off. You know she loves you.

And perhaps you should rethink that trusting me with your life thing. 'Cause I kinda thought lying was OK here.

Oh and SUESUESUESUE. Do you think we are getting a bit too litigious as a society?

Annie Valentine said...

Sue and I are friends and I can tell you that despite being overworked and underpaid, she's surviving. Lots of loving comments are good for her though.

Annie Valentine said...

You're a hell of a writer, my friend. And I never say hell.

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

I just want to say that I am incapable of shutting my trap and I will never get off your back... but I can stop questioning you in front of your readers. So let it be written, so let it be done.

(And I say that from a loving place.)

And now, all I have to say is... your grandma is from Portage, Utah?



The Crash Test Dummy said...

Nope, that one is TOTALLY TRUE! And she really did get struck by lightening twice too. I pinky promise. Unfortunately it hasn't helped me channel Erma Bombeck though.

Heidi Ashworth said...

CTD, I feel your pain. My siblings don't get my blog--I keep telling them I write fiction but still, they don't get it. I am also worried about Sue. I hope she feels better soon.

Sue said...

WOW. A post with sympathetic words about ME. With comments about ME. I LOVE IT.