Monday, October 27, 2008

Power? YES! Primary Program? YES! Nudity? NO!

My weekend in a nutshell:  

I like power.  I like  the primary program.  I like watching every episode of  Get Smart on Sunday afternoons while my husband yells at the kids to clean the house.  But nudity?   I don't like nudity!  Nudity is no laughing matter.  

I don't like frontal nudity or backal nudity.  And I especially don't like full monty nudity.  But you'll never believe what the nudity people are trying get away with now.  Potato Chip nudity!  

Yesterday, while judging the island-wide high school speech competition I was snacking in the judges lounge when I noticed the baked chips I was putting in my temple-worthy mouth were called Simply Nude: Nothing but Sea Salt.  Of course I spit them out immediately, partly because baked chips taste like cardboard, but mostly because nudity makes me feel . . . naked. But it wasn't just the chips that made me feel . . . naked.  The whole speech competition was so in-and-of-the-worldly. 

 I judged a round of dramatic interpretation and a round of humorous interpretation and here's what I learned: 

1.) Drama is funny and comedy isn't.  
2.) High school students are thinking about s.e.x. 
3.) I love POWER!  

Did you know comedians take themselves very seriously?  Comedy to a comic is no laughing matter.  It's un-nerving to sit in a room with a bunch of solemn, silent, stewing, scowling comedians dressed in ill fitting suits and heels.  (At least they weren't nude).  In front of me they stood and seriously stared and stared seriously until I finally gave them the nod to begin making me laugh.   Awkward!  

But here's what I learned about humor: 

Jokes about floppy underwear are not funny.   Jokes about lesbians, transvestites, perverted old women, perverted young priests, swear words, fast girls, suicide and murder are not funny coming from the mouth of babes in ill fitting suits.   

Down-there jokes--NOT FUNNY!  

Arthur Miller jokes about Lucifer teaching God how to turn Adam on?  NOT funny.  

And Woody Allen should not write jokes about Dracula.  NOT funny.  Stick to incest, Woody.   

Jokes about prehistoric medicine could be funny, except . . . they're NOT.  And Midsummer Night's Dream jokes. . . only funny when a Chinese boy casts himself as the Chink in the wall. 

Chinese girls are stinkin' hilarious though when they do Joy Luck Club jokes about Chinese mother's, Chinese torture and Chinese chess sets.  Mary, I can totally see where you get your humor girl.  

Overall, these high schoolers were impressive though.  I awarded mostly S's for (Superior) and E's for (Excellent) and a few G's for (Good).  I only had to give one IGTSMBIYB  for (I'm-Going-To-Shoot-Myself-Before-I-Yawn-Boring!)  

The dramatic interpretations kinda blew my mind.  The scene I chose to win was performed by this pleasant whisp of a girl with braces and a lisp.  She really reached in a wrung my heart out. I cried.  Big crocodile tears.  They wouldn't be put back in their place.  They slid down my cheeks in humiliating ways.  And once she saw me wiping my nose on my sleeve SHE had the power instead of ME.  And I LOVE POWER!

As a women who's primary love language is Words of Affirmation--with an emphasis on words--I wasn't surprised how much I loved the POWER of wielding my pen and scribbling across their ballots. You are incredible!  You are gifted!  Talented!  Amazing!  You have found your grail! You rocked my world!  You deserve a Jamba Juice.  I imagined them laying in bed with the ballot under their pillow, a smile on their face and the words rewinding in their heads, I'm incredible!  I rocked someone's world!  I deserve a Jamba Juice!

And even though I hate Sundays and I vote the Sabbath should be moved to Fridays so we can go to movies and stuff, today was a pretty good day, and not just because I got to watch every episode of Get Smart while my husband yelled at the kids to clean the house, but because it was the primary program today which is my favorite church day of the year because I'm not the primary president and because brown kids are so dang cute!  And my kids are so dang cute too. I think I'll have a Which Country Has the Cutest Kids Contest with Sewl.  (I already know Mongolia will win, but it would still be fun).

I'll tell you why I love the primary program later.  Right now I have blogger guilt and I gotta go make Muddy Buddies with my kids.  


*MARY* said...

Superior, Excellent and Good? Kids today have it way too easy. When I was in high school it was either "Are your parents brother and sister?" or "my kneecap is smarter than you."

Oh and I'm not Chinese,I'm kind of Japanese though. I think I'm going to write a post to clear things up.

Jen said...

I just have to agree with you. If you didn't already know, I am a high school sub. I often sub in speech. I know all about the kind of speeches you listened to today.


And they really do think it's acceptable humor.

And I'm sure the suits are ill-fitting.

And they MOST DEFINITELY are thinking about s-e-x, and mentioning private parts is both acceptable and hilarious.

But judging speeches still sounds fun.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Mary? You booger. You're NOT Chinese? I don't know if I trust you. Is it just your husband who is Chinese?

But if your middle name is Mariko then you would be kind of Japanese.

Anyway, if you're not Chinese then you're not that funny afterall. ;)

Mariko said...

I have never watched "Get Smart," but I have a feeling I should, now that you've endorsed it.
Oh, Kids speaking Adult is Soooooo Funny. The kind of funny where you want to drag them by their noses to their parents and say, "You deal with this."

Pat said...

Ok this post totally got blocked by my net nanny, how funny is that. Good thing my teenage sons will be protected from all the nudity in this post.

Sounds like a very interesting day.

Can't wait to hear about the primary program. I agree, the best day of the year.

hypoi, is that some kind of poi that hypnotizes you into becoming a robot?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I've got to know! Why do you love the primary program?! I'm not looking forward to mine, as I'm a primary teacher to crazy kids who I'll have to "shhh" every second, I'm sure.

Your word verifciation says "fuskies". Sounds mildly dirty. I thought you said you didn't like swear words.

Sheila said...

You never fail to amaze me at how you can take a happening and make it into a hilarious, meaningful and inciteful experience. I totally related. Mom

Kristina P. said...

I think that "down there" jokes are ALWAYS funny, and never inappropriate. I like to bust one or two out at staff meetings.

Funny Farmer said...

Wash out your temple worthy mouth with soap!

I was totally LMfullydressedAO on this post. As usual.

Am I pathetic?

Don't answer that.


Annie Valentine said...

First, I was the State Speech Dramatic Interp queen my freshman year of high school. Okay, I took third, but still. You would have loved it. If I ever come to Hawaii, I'll give you a personal encore presentation.

Second, I wrote my story last night, but I'm sending it to my editor for my column this week (because it turned out really good) so I can't post it on my site until Friday.

What do I do???? Should I just email you under the table? And how do I go about voting for that Jen girl?

Funny Farmer said...

Oh - and I want to know what hte heck happened to the smoking pakalolo post that is showing on my blogroll!

What the hay is pakalolo, anyway? Is it again the word of wisdom? If so, I am interested. I'm all about breaking minor commandments today.


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...where's MY sidebar shout out? I don't live in Provo, but my brother does...who ALSO works for I'm a degree off, but I really do deserve a GREAT big shout out on your side bar!

Just saying

I have NO idea what pakalolo is, but if it is anything like Kava Kava (which is great in HUGE doses) at least I HEAR it is...then I'm in...

*hand being raised with enthusiasm!*

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...where's MY sidebar shout out? I don't live in Provo, but my brother does...who ALSO works for I'm a degree off, but I really do deserve a GREAT big shout out on your side bar!

Just saying

I have NO idea what pakalolo is, but if it is anything like Kava Kava (which is great in HUGE doses) at least I HEAR it is...then I'm in...

*hand being raised with enthusiasm!*

Jami said...

#1 I noticed. Deleter. I raised my hand twice and when I got here the cupboard was bare. Which leads right into...
#2 Nudity. Nude chips. Not a pretty thought. Half chewed nude chips. Ew.
#3 Why am I numbering when I only had the two things to say. Where's the sense in that?
#4 I guess I had something else to say. I LOVE that moment when I have the audience's emotions in my POWER. Laughter. Tears. Regret. Whatever I will shall occur! [cue evil chuckle]
#5 What a cool gig, judging the teen talent!

Heidi Ashworth said...

What a riot! And I imagine the speeches were too.

Funny Farmer said...

LOL at Jami!

And here I am sitting wishing I were as clever as her. Dang. I think I may have to go and read her blog now!

Because I need more things to do with my time.

"relax" I KID YOU NOT.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Why won't it let me read the pakalolo post? Did I come too late to the party? Again?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, this is my favorite comment box of all time. I am rolling on the floor trying not to let my husband hear me laughing because he already thinks I'm addicted to pakalolo and I don't want him to think I'm addicted to blogging too.

Pat--ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Alyson--Don't shhush the kids while you're up on the stand with them next week. It makes it so much more fun for the audience.

Pat--ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h

Jami--ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Mariko--Get Smart rocks!


Kristina P.-- I bet you do!

Lisa--ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and RELAX? and Slynin? Did the word verifier really say that? Wow! That's eerie. You should totally take that advice because I my silly ghost is inciteful.

Annie--YOU, a DRAMA Queen? You mean that literally? Can't wait to see the performance. How about next time I come to Utah, we set up a fundraiser to get Annie to see her secret agent husband. We'll all go to Olive Garden with our Jacob Sucks twilight shirts on and then watch Annie jerk our hearts out of our chests.

Pat---Ha ha ha ha ha ha

And can you guys see why I think Jami is so TTFN cute!

And Heidi, no worries, we would never smoke pakalolo without you!

And Shelle, calm down girl. Your brother is NOT reading me and he goes to BYU which is exactly my point so you don't get a side-bar shout out!!!!

And HI JEN! You are the only one who makes any sense in this box.

And MARY, you are TOO Chinese! I saw those t-shirts and that squatter.

Mariko said...

This time it says "otatedis"
which is "o T ate dis", because the ghost gangstas are getting all up in here.
Oh, and I guess I'll check out Get Smart, even though I already have many TV on DVD addictions.

Alison Wonderland said...

I couldn't get past your not liking the simply naked baked pita chips. Maybe it's because you didn't have hummus. There was no hummus was there? I realize that I sound like some birkenstock wearing, free loving, hippie, tree hugger here but seriously, pita chips and hummus will change your life.