Friday, October 24, 2008

Rules and COJCOLDS (and some other stuff)

The thing that's so hard about blogging is that your train of thought is constantly interrupted by mouthy lurkers and mouthy followers. I've been trying to get this important post about addiction published all week, BUT . . .

Pat, my mouthy follower pointed out that my ghost story was not within the 500 word count rule. I wouldn't bother to acknowledge this issue but I hate being called a cheater. I know cheaters never prosper and I'm all about prosperity. Therefore, Pat, I will dignify your accusation with a response.

1. Let me direct your attention to my subtitle, which will soon be written in a different font because script is too sophisticated for a CTD, if you ask me. My subtitle says it all. I never claimed to be a good example. I only claim to be a horrible warning. Anyone who is paying attention will see that sometimes I tell you what to do and sometimes I show you what not to do. Pay attention Pat!!

2. I subscribe to the Joseph Smith notion of teaching and governing. I like to teach correct principals, and then govern myself.

3. Also, as a strong member of the COJCOLDS (hey, that spells coj colds--weird) I strive to meet the modern day COJCOLDS standard of do as I say and not as I do. Any faithful member of the COJCOLDS knows that.

4. And lastly, I could care less if you go over the 500 word limit.

(And OMGOSH, did you guys read Sewl's spookylicious story? (which was also longer than 500 words) Holy Ghostmobile! Screw the word limit! It was freakin' freaky.

I feel like I need to apologize for all my stinkin' typos over the past 24 hours. I'm a total dork when I'm drunk. Plus, I'm a bit jumpy with all these contentious bugs in my house. This morning I awoke with a centipede bite on my arm. (I KNOW!)

But today I discovered their hidden, secret, underground, evil, compound where they gather for their seances and their orgies and where they go to the bathroom. Under my dishwasher!! EEEEWW!

Which leads me to some good news. The number one benefit of renting rather than owning, besides the no-committment clause, is the FREE appliances. Today we got a new fridge and a new dishwasher. I feel so CLEAN!!! (And yet so DIRTY, you know what I mean? Now I want a new stove and a new microwave and a new blender. Plus a new evil bug compound.)

And more good news. Our censorship police here on campus have reshuffled our edited T.V. stations and now we have Nickelodeon! NICK JR Rocks! But why is Sponge Bob's grandma a chocolate chip cookie? That makes no sense. Do you think it was inter-objectial marriage?

And even more good news. I treated myself to a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwhich at the Hukilau Cafe today. (Cafe's in Hawaii are so cute. They put a floor mat at the front door to protect the floor and then they spread a big piece of cardboard over the top to protect the floor mat. So Kreativ!)

I also treated myself to a Mountain Dew--this time I tried the Super Nova. Not even close to the Code Red! It actually doesn't even taste like Mountain Dew, so what's the point?

Well, TTFN! (ta ta for now) (I like quoting Jami quote tigger.)

But can I just say one more thing about Pat? Did you know she lives her life in a Hamster Wheel? No wonder she can't get organized and find her library books on time. Two words, girlfriend: Buyer's market!

P.S. GUESS WHAT? I think I might be getting famous because I got this phone call from Washington D.C. today. Guess who it was . . . guess, guess, guess! Payless Shoe Source! They just wanted to let me know personally about their BOGO sale going on. How thoughtful is that? I wonder how they got MY number?

P.S.S. Can I clear the air about something real quick? I appreciate all of you who keep jamming up my email inbox saying, Crash, I love you. I adore you. You make me feel so inadequate to comment. It's flattering. There's nothing I want more than to make people feel inadequate, but maybe you don't understand the purpose of a comment box. It's not for you to be witty and clever. That's my job and this is MY show. If you love me, please don't tell me tin a private place where no one else can read it. I like PDA better. (public display of affection)

TTFN FR (fo' real)


Annie Valentine said...

ACK! I'm first. I'm NEVER first. Let me be the first to say it...wait, what was it we were supposed to say again?

Kristina P. said...

Ummm, is this TTFN thing a secret club that I am not a part of? What is this secretive code?

Jen said...

I was wondering the same thing Ms. Kristina P. - but then I used my super-sloothing Scooby Doo skills (check out THAT alliteration baby!) And figured it out.

And I hate it when my sister beats me to a comment box.

But I am about to attempt an entry... And it's TRUE...

(If you never hear from me again, it will be because I failed. Pray for me, I hate failing).


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, guys, I tried to clear it up. LOVE YOUR ENTRY JEN. GOOD JOB, Girlfriend!

And if you win anything, I'll make sure it's one of Annie's stupid t-shirts. hee hee

The Rogers Family said...

Clever, witty, and very good observational comment on JS. I didn't realize you had studied anything on him. Hey by the way, I know its early but the Bigfoot story in your contest has my vote so far, since you're not eligible. Stephen

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey Bro, why wouldn't I have studied Joseph Smith teachings as a faithful COJCOLDS member? I love his teachings.

And thanks for the compliment. ;)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...I wrote like a HUGE ghost story and then modified it for your 500 WORD rule and now you say SCREW IT...FREAK...that took me like a WHOLE day!

Luckily I came over to see and read the competition, now I need to put all my great grammar mistakes back in!

Okay, Okay...I really haven't written my story yet, but I was wondering? Can I still enter the contest? Or is that a conflict of interest.

Pat said...

Hey I can't believe that I got TWO mentions in one of your posts.

OMGosh, I am like totally freaking out right now. Like TOTALLY!

I'm like famous. Glinda watch out here I come.

This totally makes my day and thank you thank you thank you for thinking my story was funny.

It is so nice to be validated, I think I am funny, but that doesn't always count for much in my mind.

Can't wait to read all the rest. That is why I had to go first, or I would chicken out.

Erin The Great said...

Hahaha... Screw the 500 word count! You can't fit a really good rant or story in 500 measly words!

PS. You have other blog stalkers in Utah Valley... Provo even.

KnightSlayer said...

Ok, Ok! Here is you public display of affection! Sorry I originally sent this in e-mail form! Hope I can get back to my #1 commentor status!


You are so dang funny! I can't believe it!

I can't wait to see you writing a column somewhere! I don't understand why you haven't been picked up by some big papers. Have you tried?

Thanks for keeping us all laughing! My wife loves to read your posts as well!

Hope you have a good day.
Love Eric"

Jami said...

I can see my parting tag has captured your imagination. Soon you'll be saying TTFNBJICAILHB.
(ta ta for now because jami is cute and i love her blog.)

This week is crazy for me, and I kind of lack fiction skills, so I'm pondering whether I can handle sharing my real freaky ghost stories. *shudder*


Funny Farmer said...

Okay it took me 15 minutes to figure out what the HECK COJCOLDS was. I kid you not. I am so embarrassed.

I am also confused about your reference to the COJCOLDS censorship police controlling your campus cable television. I thought you were an instructor at BYU-H, not a student!

Word verification: gases tee hee!

The Rogers Family said...

I feel O.O.T.L.(out of the loop)what does COJCOLDS. I believe the LDS on the end I understand. Stephen

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

It is Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints:) took me awhile

binks said...

I'm sorry, I don't subscribe to the kiss the blogger's proverbial a$$.
If I can't be smarmy, snarky, or witty and am not, an all out butt kisser, that leaves me with nothing. So, I guess I will just have to stalk you silently.
That sounds a little creepy, right?
Who is this Joseph Smith, of which you speak?
JKTTFNROFLMAO ;) (just ask Shelle, she gets me)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Binks, first of all, I never said you have to be an all out butt kisser. Second, only Annie is allowed to swear in my comment box, because she knows how to BK and curse at the same time. Third, your a$$ looks good with dollar signs. Fourth. I totally got that without Shelle's help, and that's because Shelle and I are twins so if she gets you then I get you! Got it! TTFNLDSBBQ