Monday, October 6, 2008

Conference Season Catharsis: Osmond Edition

Every conference season I seem to do a little bit of house-cleaning.  It's true I get an undeniable urge to disinfect my house while the twelve apostles are speaking, but I'm talking about sweeping some psychological dust bunnies out from under my psychological bed head.  Who knew that this conference season I'd find the Osmonds at the end of my psychological broom.  (It's a good idea to repeat important concepts three times for impact).   

Saturday after a long day of GC and then tennis matches and then soccer games and then Costco and then a traffic jam and then more soccer games, I flopped down in front of the T.V. for some serious channel surfing.

Don't ask me how it happened but I ended up on the BYU channel watching the Pioneer Day broadcast with the Osmonds.  I began making wise-cracks with my daughter but immediately, in a tinkerbell-twinkling of an eye, a mysterious time-warp tunnel sucked me in and I found myself confessing all my past Osmond obsessions.

I think it was therapeutic. I had completely repressed the shame of my Osmond-junkie phase.

May I?

I know I've told you about how I borrowed my neighbor's typewriter when I was 9 years old to write the best Osmond biography in the history of the world, but did I tell you about all the times I went to the public library and checked out every Osmond album ever recorded? Did I tell you about my wild Crazy Horses slumber party for my 11th birthday, complete with Disco ball and blue light? Did I tell you about the time I raced around with thousands of other screaming Donny fanatics trying to snatch one of the purple socks he dropped from an airplane at the Osmond Studios opening?

That sparkly purple sock now sits in a safe deposit box along with my Princess Di newspaper clippings, my Xanadu soundrack cassette tape, my Tiger Beat Scott Baio edition and my Beach Boys concert ticket stubs.

I used to take the bus to the mall to watch Going Coconuts, over and over.

And I actually went to an Osmond Family Christmas Special taping when I was 12 years old.

And I was engaged to be engaged to Donny.

If he asked me.

But he asked another Debbie.

That hurt. At first. But after a while it seemed close enough.

Phew!   feels good to get that off my chest.

Was that too much information?


Kristina P. said...

Too much information posts are my favorite. I love hearing about people's funny and embarrassing life stories.

And you should be embarrassed. ;)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, at least I didn't lose my virginity to Dwight Shrute! ;)

(But I confess I AM an Office junkie now and I probably would have if he'd asked, (and if I was a virgin).

(Is that too much information?)

*MARY* said...

The only reason I even know who the Osmonds are is because Marie was on DWTS.

Kristina P. said...

I'm pretty sure he lost his to me too, so we're even.

And you didn't comment on my post? For shame. ;)

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

That thing about the purple sock in your safe deposit box.... that's a lie, right?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Lisa, YES it's a lie. Don't get scared. ; ) I don't even have a safe deposit box. But the rest is all true, unfortunately.

Kristina, didn't I comment? Oh, maybe I got intimidated by the other 112 comments.

I laughed really hard though.

I am LoW said...

OhmyGoodness!! I totally danced to Crazy Horses when I was in 4th grade for a school talent show! I made it up as I went along and everything!! Such a COOL song!! And SO not typical of the Osmond's.

Jami said...

I was totally in love with Donny when I was a child. And even now I feel a twinge of jealousy that you have a sock to remember him by. I'll get over it.

Annie Valentine said...

Crap. I was totally buying the purple sock safe-deposit box. I'm disappointed in you. Where is your commitment?

Martha said...

Did I ever tell you Donny is in my brother's ward? Donny was my nephew's Sunday school teacher. Now my brother is the bishop.