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Thursday, October 30, 2008

It's Cute Crazy Grandma Day!

Hiiiii,


Gosh, settle down folks. I can feel the anticipation just brewing and stewing in the air over the contest results. Fret not! Simon and Paula and Randy are on it!


Actually, it was way too hard for one crash test dummy and one art dummy to handle, so we contracted the judging out to some PRO-fessionals. YES, your stories are being read at this very moment by 6 very creative and competent PRO-fessors of words! We take our judging seriously at crash-n-sew and I too am as anxious to find out the results as you are. They will be posted pronto Manana morning. (Is that how you spell manana? I don't have a spanish speaking keyboard).


Hey, good news!! The old boat guy is going to adopt me-n-sewl because neither one of us have any grandpas left. That means that my BBFF, Lisa is now Auntie BBFF because she's the old boat guy's off spring! (OMGosh, I know!)

I'm excited about the old boat guy adoption because I really miss my grandpa's and I sorta miss my dad too.

And guess what! My HUSBAND FINALLY laughed at me. You should have seen him crack up when I told him about how the old boat guy was gonna adopt me-n-sewl and how me-n-sewl already adopted Alyson from New England to be our cousin, and Shellblokthoughts to be our twin. He said, "Next you'll probably adopt a new husband."

I hadn't thought of it, but it's not a bad idea. Maybe after Sue gets herself out of this super hopeless romance pickle she can start a Mormon Daddy Bloggernacle.

Just kidding honey! (I'm talking to myself right now because he can't hear me since he's not here and won't be here any time soon. I can safely say he won't be here EVER. Even after the divorce is final. And there will be a divorce since my work here is now done and I FINALLY GOT A LAUGH out of him. I know he was laughing at me and not with me, but I'm going to count it just because I want that divorce.)

Okay, just kidding honey! I love you. And I would never divorce you because I would miss your dancing way too much (talking to myself again). Plus it's cute how you're so nice to everyone. It doesn't even drive me crazy how we always have to stop and say aloha to everyone we pass and chat with them about politics and basketball and soccer and Glenn Beck and the economy and tennis and all the crazy ladies you work with. (Just kidding crazy ladies) I mean all the seriously so bored ladies you work with.

I love seriously so bored ladies. I can seriously so relate to them!

But back to boat guy gramps. Even though both of my grandpas are gone, my 2 crazy-cute grandmas are still here. I have the cutest craziest grandmas in the world. One of them is nuts and the other is wackY with a capital Y. And I mean that in a cute Y way. The one from Portage has a drawer full of king size candy bars in her fridge and can do a 5,000 piece puzzle in 30 seconds. She has been struck by lightening twice--three times if you count the time it hit the car when she was making out with my grandpa. (They must have been in the middle of some hanky panky or something--although I never got struck by lightening when I was in the car . . . never mind).

Then there is my other grandma. She lives in a tiny haunted old house on a tiny haunted old lane in a tiny haunted old town. She was actually born in this tiny haunted old hause 150 years ago. She does not have a drawer full of king size candy bars in her fridge. All she has in her fridge is egg salad sandwiches.

I got this cute letter from her today in the mailbox. The mailbox! How cute is that? Who sends letters through the mail anymore?

The letter said:

My precious Crash, (name has been changed to protect my identity, but she always calls me precious. So . . . Lord of the Rings. Sometimes she calls me darling too. I like that one better.)

Anyway, long letter short, she tells me that she's been going through a stage in her life where she's sorting through all of her stuff and she found an old Christmas card I sent in 2005 in which I mentioned that I had just finished Reading Lolita in Tehran. She said she checked that book-on-tape out at the St. George library but got ill and returned it without listening to it.

This is the cute part: "Please give me your evaluation," she says. "I've never thought of getting it again from the library. Was I right or wrong? Please check. Please reply!"

Is there a right or wrong when it comes to renewing books-on-tape? Wouldn't that fit under the category of good, better and best?

But my point is, the exclamation mark after Please reply really got to me. I think my grandma must be lonely. I would be lonely if I lived all alone in a tiny haunted house on a tiny haunted lane in a tiny haunted town. I would probably sit around sorting through my things wondering if I had made the right books-on-tape choices.

Could everyone please reply to my grandma. Tell her she's crazy cause egg salad sandwiches . . . COME ON, but tell her she made the best choice she could at the time given her circumstances. Tell her I'm ordering RLIT on tape for her from Amazon right now.

Oh, and while you're at it go reply to your own crazy cute grandma too!

30 comments:

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WHAT! Everyone is being adopted and I haven't even been consulted on this! I feel like the outsider looking in!

AND...AND...people are taking my post today as serious...which I never am...and I think people are thinking I have no CONFIDENCE in myself...when I wrote the whole thing in a very sarcastic mood...

So apparently I'm not REALLY that good of a writer as I thought I was...because I thought I was dripping with sarcasm...

But you never get that do you?

FREAK...and as Cordy would say FRACk

...and bad news

my word verifier says LYPIC...which reminds me of Lying PIC...which OBVIOUSLY means...Sarcastic in Antartica...

I bet those Antarticans would've realized I was trying to be funny in a very sarcastic way with my post today!

See ya later TIGGER!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

The whole TIGGER reference was for your whole TTFN sign off!

and now word verifier says LOCATO...which means in Antartican LOOPY...

which I am...

Frick AND Frack!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I can't end with TWO comments...have to end with three...

So NOW I'm DONE!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Shelle, I forgot to mention that you're my adopted TWIN! MUST. GO. REVISE. And clear up your sarcasm post. They'll understand once they read me.

See the secret is you must ALWAYS be sarcastic. You're too cute for that, so sometimes people misunderstand cute people when they're sarcastic.

And you are a fabulous writer, girlfriend. STOP IT. You're my twin.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Ahh- I am all sad about Gram now. I think I need to go call her. I love her and her egg sandwiches. When I think of Gram, I think of her Spanish rice or those good smoothies she makes. I miss her and FO~REAL that house is haunted. I was always so spooked in that freaky deaky parlor with the scary paintings of our ancestors. It was straight out of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.
Don't you love Grampa boat guy. He is the coolest. I always wanted a grandpa Arlon :) Love you Gramps, Aunt Lisa, and cuz Crash & Alyson xxx

Jami said...

So did my scary true life story get entered in the contest? It was scary. It was true. And I didn't sleep through the night. (At least four awakenings) Besides...um...my internet connection went down and I couldn't submit it on time.

Shelle-bt: I caught it. I was in a stamp store the other day, looking for some sarcastic teacher's stamps for my sister. The very sweet lady who owned the place said, "Um...I don't really have anything like that." Then as kindly as she could, she added, "we don't really do sarcasm here." She probably wouldn't have caught the drippy-sarcasm either.

TTFN.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Em, you forgot TWIN Shelle

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Wait...wait...wait...I'm only a lousy cousin and Shelle gets to be a twin?! What the...?! I was about to come on here and thank you for actually spelling my name right for once, but now I feel like the black sheep cousin. Sob...

Shelle - must say your post didn't sound sarcastic, sorry. And I'm one of those you duped and I'm just as mad at you as everyone is at Sue, especially now that you're my cousin as well and I like getting in family squabbles.

Didn't realize we'd be judged by all kinds of pros. FREAK!! I would have tried a little harder. :-)

Jami said...

PS I am so totally thinking you are making oldboatguyArlon up. I'm too sophisticated to be taken in. Burn me once...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jami, I so wish you had entered that? That was hilarious. I wasn't sure cause it wasn't official and you never said if you went to bed or not. :) So I didn't throw it in. SHUCKS! I am so going to give you a shout out though and send you some cupcakes.

Jami said...

Oh and no adoption for me? I'm going to go make egg salad.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Love you too, cuz Em! My cool ghosthunting cousin!

Jami said...

OK, cupcakes will placate me.

Jami said...

What's with me being that comment between the 12th and the 14th?!?

Versi. Truth seeing.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

heee heee. Look how Sue's got us all uptight and suspicious of each other now. I bet she's a terrorist.

And Alyson, I was over lurking on your blog judging you today. But every time I tried to copy your post to print for the PROS to read it said DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COPYING MY PHOTOS! And even when I tried to copy just the words it slapped my hand.

I may be a judgemental lurker, but you're a possessive follower. Sheesh!

But hey, how'd you get that cool Don't even think about sign? I want one of those.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

How come Shelle wasn't called a possesive follower and I was? Sheesh!

I can email you the info about how to protect your stuff.

I find it hilarious that your verifier is reading "reallism". Sort of ironic after Shelle tried to pull our leg!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Guess I can't email you since you don't mention your address on the sidebar.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ctddiaries@gmail.com DUH!

OldBoatGuy said...

I am real! I am flattered. At this point I am at a loss for words. OLD BOAT GUY / dukdub / Arlon.

I'll adopt you all, but Lisa gets all my money and the boat!

The verifier is miststst. I'm really mistified.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Told You he was REAL!

Jami said...

OK, wrong again. But where's the positive proof of identification? Birth certificate? Pedigree chart?

geniesi-I am a genii?

Laura said...

Hey Crash- if you needed help "grading our papers" you should have brought them over.. I'm impartial...
I was just doing it for fun- remember?

darn! You're not buying it - I can tell.

Oh- just to let everyone know- after my rat story- guess who came to visit...

I don't know if it is a rat or mouse...but something is nibbling on my banana's at night!

Maybe the ghost of the rat from years ago... coming to haunt us...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OH YOU GUYS...Group Family HUG...seriously...don't hate me cause I'm the cuter TWIN...even though Crash is the better WRITER...you always want what you don't have! The only reason I'm cuter is because Crash is made up of all these synthetic parts so at her job it isn't so LIFE threatening...ya know?

And I don't remember Grandma making smoothies...and I LIVE in ST. George...so maybe I should go visit spooky creepy house with ancestors and take pictures?

And Crash and Alyson...I now have 12,000 hate emails...okay actually 11,998 HATE emails...one sympathy email from SUE because she knows what I am going through and one special email from Amazon.com telling me my order has been shipped...

Word verifier says DROONST...isn't that the same street Gram use to live on? Creepy?

Pat said...

PROFESSIONALS????? You are kidding me right? That was sacrcastic. Don't fail me now with your joking around. Oh my goodness graciousness. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. But then I know it was an honor just to enter and many people did say they thought I was funny, so that makes it all worth it.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Shelle- you are not family if you can't remember Gram's smoothies. They were lovely and so healthy. NO sugar, just gramma goodness.

Ok- Gram doesn't live in St.George.(nice granddaughter for even remembering where she lives..sheesh) Close but not there.
My parents still own a house there. You know of the pink house on Diagonal Street? That is hauntilicious too!!!!Why do I live in all haunted homes..oh my gosh?

Becky said...

Wait a sec. Old boat guy is Lisa's pop? Coolio. He left me a comment and now I feel totally in the loop or whatever. There is a loop, right?

If I keep pretending to be Sarah Palin, can I get in on this adoption-bloggy-love-fest madness that seems to be going around? I don't even mind being a cousin...

By the way, my verification word is corths. Cor, obviously, is short for Cordy. And ths, obviously, is an acronym for The Holy-cow-it-was-Sue-the-entire-time-what-a-well-kept Secret, right? That word verification thing is amazing! Who needs a psychic?

Jen said...

Poor me. All my grandma's have gone to a better place, and no one is adopting me - although I do have Annie, which really should count for something.

And do you think the PRO-fessionals will hold it against me that a Sasquatch isn't "technically" a ghost? I mean I was REALLY scared, so that's good, right? Right?

"borks"

Wendyburd1 said...

PROS?! Don't you know I AM shy?! I don't let professional anythings read what I write...oh no there I go biting my nails!!EEEEKKK!

Oh and shhhh. Don't tell Alyson, but you can copy any of her pictures...it may say 'Don't Even..." but it still LET'S you!LOL! Aly is so cute!:P

Wendyburd1 said...

P.S. I would so give a grandPARENT a hug, but I was grand-orphaned at 18. Yeah...sucks big time.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Ok, Wendy, now you're just creeping me out. You live close enough to me to hurt me. :-)