Thursday, October 16, 2008


All week I've been dying to ask you what's, uh, the dealio with K-mart?

But then, just as I was finally over my creative writing teacher issues, I noticed that, OMGosh, he actually figured out how to leave a comment in my box. I really didn't think it was possible since he used to play football at BYU back in the 1950's.

So check this out. He accused me of maligning, mocking and misquoting him.

First of all, who uses that word, malign? It's not as bad as precient (which I looked up in Webster and it ain't even a word) but it's pretty TMI. (What does that mean? I've been bending my brain trying to figure it out. I'm going with Too Much Intellect.) Definitely TMI for a football player, anyway.

Second, he's totally trying to impress all my blogger fans with his alliteration skills. He must have a very poor self esteem.

Third, I've been completely up front with my readers about my tendency to stretch the truth like taffy. (Look who's alliterative now, buddy!)

But I will concede on a few points. Though I never intentionally tried to mock or misquote or malign him, I did enjoy a little taffy at his expense. For instance, he never actually said this font was unflattering on me. I made that up so my husband would spring for a blog make-over. What he actually said was that he didn't recognize me anymore. See I was a bit of a downer in college--wasn't quite through with the 12 steps to recovery or the 4 stages of grief or the 7 highly effective habits.

Did anyone notice how he took credit for me blogging my brains out? (I gave him that line, btw). He said I couldn't even address a keyboard when I enrolled in his CW class in 1980. Well, duh! I was in kindergarten in 1980 and the computer hadn't even been invented. Plus you address an audience or an envelope or a subject, but who addresses a keyboard?

Can you see now how he taught me everything I needed to know about lying (in kindergarten).

Here's another example. Whenever I handed in a poem or a story or an essay, he would say things to me like "you can't write this!" and I would say "why?" and he would say "because no one will believe it!" and I would say, "but it's all true" and he would say "it doesn't matter, no one will believe it" and I would say "huh?"

Nevertheless, even though I toilet papered his house a few times, that was a valuable lesson.

From him (and from Harry Potter) I learned that sometimes you have to put a cloak of invisibility over the truth, allowing some to look past it and others to see through it.

Perhaps he's right about one thing--the gratitude factor. I'm not being a very good example of what the blogoshsphere is all about. (Can you believe he said blogoshphere? I think the gosh in the middle is a subliminal message. And guess what else . . . he has a Facebook! You heard me. He's actually almost . . . stinkin' cool. Eww. And check out this picture I found of him as the Homecoming King in 1920. He's actually almost . . . stinkin' hot! Eww!)

(DO NOT TELL HIM I TOLD YOU THIS, but if you want to go to his Facebook page just type in the search words chris crowe and see if he'll add you as his friend. hee hee. I bet I totally have more friends than him.)

I just checked and he only has 78 friends. Orson Scott Card's not even one of them even though they're on a middle name basis. I feel kind of sorry for him. We should all go befriend him and then buy his books. I bet they don't sell very well, even though he's written about a million of them, including one that I edited for him--the one with the come-hither girl at the very bottom of the page. That's his wife. He didn't take any of my advice, but my daughter liked the book anyway. (Hey Pat, you should put him on your stalker list with LaVelle Edward and Jeffery Holland and Me.)

Okay, so what's, uh, the dealio with K-Mart?


Emily Anne Leyland said...

Hahaahahhahahhahahaha- he is pretty cute. I would say he was a pretty fantastic teacher cause look at you go girl :)

The deal with K- Mart ( at least in my mind) is that it is gross. I always feel gross after going there. I need double squirts of hand sanitizer kinda place.

I think they need to give it up already. Target is waaaaaaay better.
Who knows if that is what you were asking about but there is my 2 cents :)

Alyson (New England Living) said...

That was freakin' hilarious! I love that you said his picture from 1920. You're a great read!

I agree with Emily about K-Mart.

Kristina P. said...

Well, he is a handsome chap!

Jami said...

Hot? That's totally taffy tugging.

K-Mart. Dirty, under-staffed, under-stocked, grumpy employees.

As far as pompous words go, I like pulchritude and puerile.

Hey if Mr. CW Teacher knows Scott, do you think he could use some influence to get the stinkin' Wives of Israel written?

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

You are SO full of it. I don't even know WHAT to believe anymore.

:shakes head in mock disgust:

Pat said...

Ok, perhaps I will have to add him to my stalking list. It is pretty full right now, what with Donny and everything.

And I feel special that I got spoken to personally in small print. Thanks for making my day.

I laughed out loud at this post.

And I agree with emily also. I don't even remember the last time I went to K-mart because I have a Sam's, Wal Mart, and Target all within 2 miles of my house. I know I am totally lucky.

So if you figure out the deal with K-mart, I can't wait to read about it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

My dear BBFF Lisa,

I don't usually answer my criticism, but since I feel your mock disgusted verbal and physical attacks on my character and credibility are sincerely set forth, and from a loving place, I will address my keyboard, and your concerns in a post.

On Saturday. Cuzzz tomorrow I just need to get this K-Mart thing off my chest before I explode.

Sincerely your BBFF, CTD

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

You don't usually answer your criticism because you don't get any criticism! Except from me that is. And of course you know it is not only given from a place of love, but also from laughter.

Keep it coming!

*MARY* said...

I wasn't even ALIVE in 1980! Haha!
I can't believe how close you are with your former teacher, that's kind of creepy. It's only ok if you end up marrying him, like I did with my student.
Oh and my K-mart is closed for lunch from 12-1.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Mary, that's the first thing you've ever said that's actually true, and still funny. You REALLY weren't alive in 1980, were you?

Thank you so much for opening up to me like that. I'm glad you're finally getting over your trust issues.

And your K-Mart closes from 12-1 for lunch? (wait, are you still open or . . .) I bet they all go eat Little Ceasers Pizza.

Debbie said...

Well. I don't even know where to begin with that homecoming photo. I clicked on it and suddenly all this attitude started oozing out of the computer screen and it's made a huge mess on my keyboard. I know Chris can't clean it up cause he's busy keeping his stylish hands in his pockets!
And on a completely different subject - guess who commented on my blog today? Yes, Pat. I know, I'm still excited about the whole thing. Sorry to steal your stalker and all.

Jen said...

Now you've done it. All those posts I had to catch up on (because you really are blogging your brains out), and now I will be FORCED to put you on my blogroll. How else is a girl supposed to keep up?

So glad I've never had a CWT. I just couldn't stand the judgement.