Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ghosts are People Too!

Guess what! The old boat guy posted. He's not as silent as I had hoped, but I still think we can learn a lot from him, especially if we want to learn about restoring boring old boats, which we don't, (but don't tell him that). See for me it's not about the boring old boats, it's about the lessons that come from the boring old boats. It's about the metaphors and the similes and the personification in the boring old boats.

But get this, the old boat guy makes it very clear that his will not be a humorous blog, just a plain boring old blog about his love affair with a few of his boring old boats. Like that's NO laughing matter. Tee hee. I have a feeling there will be some jealous raging and drunken cat fighting between his boring boats. I say we all go make the old guy feel welcome by following him cause boring boat guys need love too.

So I'm trying to figure out a way to establish some semblance of order here in my comment box. I can't leave my peeps alone or it's like the Cat in the Hat gets all hip hop on pop in there. I'm beginning to think Mormon women really aren't crazy at all, but just seriously, so bored! (Or did I already say that?)

Progress report on my husband: I had a talk with him last night and I told him he could play tennis and basketball with my neighbor as long as he doesn't laugh at her jokes. I almost got a snort out of him with that one, but not quite.

And as for Markio, now she's trying to get me to give suggestions for her new foodporn website (Eww) and I already told her about my stance on nude potato chips. But because I want my daughter to get an A in her class I've compiled a little list of ideas for possible topics: The-Food-Cab, The-Food-Whisperer, CFI, This-Old-Food, America's-Funniest-Food-Videos, Family-Food, Dancing-with-the-Food, Up-Chuck, Up-Chuck-a-Rama, The-Deadliest-Food, Kung-Food-Chaos. The-People's-Food-Court, Crash-Test-Diet-Food-For-Dummies.

There Mariko, now you have your posts for the rest of the year! Happy?

So the Spook-a-Rama is officially over, unless you haven't gone to bed yet and you're still writing furiously. Sewl and I are gathering the entries together to hand deliver to Simon, Paula and Randy backstage. On Halloween we will post the links to the top 3 funny stories here on my site. The top 3 spooky stories will be posted on Sewl's site. The voting polls will be open all day so make sure you drop by and vote a couple million times. Since we only teach correct principals, the voting is all on your honor. We completely trust you not to vote for yourself since that would be vain and ambitious.

While you're waiting I will share a bit of my own opinions about ghosts. Many of you (well, 8 of you) cared enough to tell me you love me just the way I am, but you wish I'd get real once in a while (ouch). Others said they only come here to laugh and they don't want to know what makes a CTD tick. Mariko refused to vote and said the choices don't apply (she just doesn't get politics) and that I should be funny and real at the same time. (It's no wonder she's a hoity toity English teacher).

I will do my best to meet all of your needs, even though I'm not a pleaser anymore.

It was a dark and stormy night during one of the best and worst times of my life . . . my son was scared because I think maybe for kids it takes a while for the veil to close up tight and they are more sensitive to the presence of the other side. Or maybe he was just a fraidy cat.

My son said to me that he was afraid of the monsters. I told him that there are no such things as monsters and he had nothing to fear. He asked me how I knew there was no such thing as monsters and I said because you can't see monsters. "Look around," I told him. "Do you see any monsters?" He looked around and agreed there were none. Then I was proud of myself. I told him that if he ever felt scared of Monsters all he had to do was pray and Heavenly Father would come running to help him.

You know what that darn kid said? He looked around and said, "But I can't see Heavenly Father either."

BAM! What a smart kid. Definitely that kid is the fruit of my loins (wait, do I have loins?)

What a profound moment. I had to tell him the truth then. That we can't see Heavenly Father and we can't see Scary Monsters, but we can feeeeeeel them. And they ARE there . . . both of them. But I told him that HF trumps SM! I told him to stay on HF's side cause he can kick SM's little booty. Then we talked about Pokemon, and he asked me if Pokemon could beat up Satan and I told him that YES he certainly could as long as he stayed on HF's side because that's where he got all his pokemon powers!

Long cute story short . . . ghosts don't have to be scary. Think about it . . . WE have power over ghosts and with great power comes great responsibility. Even when the ghosts get all up in our faces and start messing with our minds and kickin' our trash around and throwing our books off our shelves, I personally think we should be more ghost friendly. Cause COME ON, we're the people here!

But then ghosts are people too. Or at least they used to be. They know sorrow and suffering and pain and envy. They know joy . . . and they probably miss joy. They're lonely sometimes and hungry and they have cravings too. They miss food and fortune cookies and Runescape and Code Red Mountain Dew. And some of them are pranksters. They miss calling their friends up and saying "Your horse is in my garden."

The ghosts that are still LURKING around us need something. We just don't know what it is. But we should find out. If someone would just take the time to care about them and maybe figure out their 5 primary love languages, we wouldn't keep misunderstanding each other.

I bet ghosts feel a lot like dentists. They get sick and tired of everyone being scared of them.

And I bet they're sick of being dead too. Think about it. Wouldn't it be so boring to be dead?

But on the other hand there are the evil jealous ghosts who never were dead because they never were alive and I think it drives them crazy that they aren't people too.  These are the ones I fear. These are the ones I don't like to talk about. They're mean and spiteful because they've never had a Jamba Juice or gone surfing or held a Charles Dickens book in their hand or been Soaring over California at Disneyland or kissed a West Point Cadet.

I've never seen any of these ghosts,  but I've felt them many many times and I know they are real.

I also know that the ghosts on HF's side are also on our side and are always fighting for us. They are busy helping us pursue our happiness and comfort us at every turn. I have felt that many times, but I've also seen them in action once after I got a blessing just as I was being prepped for my emergency C-Section.  They didn't know I could see them, but there were a lot of them and they were all there to help me.  I love those ghosts!  And I know they love me too. 

We are not alone!   And ghosts are definitely people too!

The end.


Pat said...

Oh, oh oh oh I get to be first.

I feel like a winner already.

Hmmm just what should I say.

I agree there are ghosts and they are good and can help us at times. How about the king of all ghosts- the Holy Ghost? Hmmmm.

"flabsoo" which might be referring to my soo much flab, ouch, word verifier you have a mean streak sometimes.

Martha said...

Ok, now I'm scared to talk to your husband. Is he reading this for real? I should've never said anything, I feel dumb now. I won't even make a joke around him ever again because I don't want him to accidentally laugh and get busted.

So tonight I needed a tomato for a salad and I was almost too scared to go ask because I knew you were gone to class. I was hoping T was home, but no it was only him and I promise I didn't smile or even say anything more except, "Could I please borrow a tomato, because the tomato club person is a little late with the delivery, and it really is my husband's birthday, and I'm tying to make a nice salad, but a salad without a tomato just doesn't cut it."

No jokes it that at all.

Thanks for still letting him play basketball and tennis with me. I will try not to enjoy it as much as possible. When he makes a great shot I won't congratulate him at all.

Different subject now: Someday my husband will turn into an old boat guy (but he'll be strumming a guitar while sailing his boat) so maybe I better read Old Boat Guys Blog.

Pat said...

Now if says "doncle" which must meant uncle donny, don't you think?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, RELAX, just teasing you guys. But that was pretty funny your long winded "I PROMISE!"

He has never stepped foot in this blog, even when he said he was coming, and he never will so feel free to speak your mind. Heck! I do.

Plus, I told him about the joke thing and you know what he said? "I laugh at your jokes!"

hee hee

But you're right about your husband and the old boat guy connection. Good one.

Pat! I LOVE THE KING OF ALL GHOSTS! He rocks so hard!

And uncle Donny. That one was just for US! You and me, baby. Hope you had an okay terrible, horrible, very bad day. Sorry about your loss. I felt sad for you all day.

Pat said...

I did have I think one of the best horrible no good very bad days ever thanks to everyone's love, compassion, and kind comments. In some ways just to share with everyone really made me feel better. Thanks for your well wishes. They helped a lot.

now it says "ousboxy" which kind of sounds like yousbossy. What the heck is that all about.

Mariko said...

WAIT, WAIT! I'm writing my entry! I haven't gone to bed! Please let me turn it in, I promise I was working on it, but my printer was broken and I couldn't save it on my usb drive because my mom took it to work and forgot to bring it home... I can get a note! Just call my mom. Come on.
"relood" which could either be drooler, or relood your scary story onto the computer.
The only thing with calling the HG the king of all ghosts, is that makes ghosts more scary to me. I like to think of ghosts as not real things, but HG is a real thing, and if he's a ghost, then there are ghosts. Period. Too scary. Did I mention that I love being scared? I am going to Haunted Lagoon tomorrow. I definitely have to see what all of this screaming directly across from my house is all about. I'm recruiting people for mental protection.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

My verifier say wastste. Without the extra st that's just waste. I like that.

Ha ha Mariko. As a fellow hoity toity English teacher I had to so laugh at your so true "wait wait" story. hee hee. Ah, I get tired of those darn printers and USB's jamming up and getting lost.

And if you really do have a story then we'll WAIT WAIT for you. Since you wait waited for my daughter when I emailed you about our techinical difficulties. hee hee. That's what prompted my Broken post, btw.

And the haunted lagoon is super freaky from what my kids say because they are the scary kids and even they get scared of themselves. But the line is 2 hours long so go early. And

Oh, pat . . . sorry, are you still here? Didn't mean to ignore you.

But one more thing Mariko, the HG's name is the HG so it's not making it sound more scary. That doesn't make sense girl. Plus, you gotta put a spin on things to get people to listen differently. But you know all about that.

And hey, you didn't comment on my food suggestions.

Mariko said...

Oh NOW I see. First it's "comment whore" and now it's "What? You didn't comment!" Do you think this is my calling? Have I accepted? Do you really think I magnify?
But really, I only forgot to comment because I have three windows open on my desktop (one being my story because I keep getting writer's blox) and I merely forgot for three seconds to comment on the food porn ideas. I suppose you will have to guest write a couple of those, because I won't do them justice. And what the heck is CFI? Am I going to figure out what it means the second I hit "publish" on this comment?
I guess my food blog should be funny though. It would be a different approach to food blogging. I was hoping to have a sophisticated hoity toity blog for once, though. I've got some reputation to live up to apparently. I do want to mention that I am squeamish around vomit. That post may have to go.
I start a motion to call spirits "ghosties" because then HG can keep his job in the monarchy, and everyone else just sounds like his neighbors that like to lend a hand.
"cralling" = "a crappy calling."
Comment whore it is.
Oh. CFI. I get it. I watched 3 seasons of that on DVD. You'd think I'd know.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Crash- that was frickin hilarious and then so touching too. Awesome post!!

*largr*...I have no words...and don't even go there you dirty minded people. This is a Mormom mommy blog. Sheesh

Alison Wonderland said...

Amen, I don't really have a problem believing in ghosts, it's just that I don't get what's supposed to be so scary about them. I mean it's an insubstantial, incorporeal being. What's it gonna do, moan at me? Why's that scary?

ganshed- which sounds like it could be something. but I'm gonna go with gnashed, because I can.

Melanie J said...

You should do a post about how people deal with the monsters underneath kids' beds. My method was spraying monster repellent (harispray) and giving them a stern lecture every night, but it worked so it was worth the Aquanet.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I love how you made that all serious like! That came out of left field...because at first I began my semi chuckle half smile like I usually do with your post and then all of a sudden I was left thinking deep thoughts! :)


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay I was over at Crazyland's blog and my word verifier was FOCKSOMI...that could be the new filler word for some naughty words...don't you think?

The Rogers Family said...

If we sin we must blame an evil spirit for tempting us. If it doesn't rain on our crops, maybe we are not pleasing the Gods. Maybe if we sacrifice a virgin the Gods will be pleased and it will rain. If we feel afraid in the dark, then there must be an evil spirit. If we feel good reading the Koran then its proof positive that a jihad against other religions is warranted. The human race craves mythology to try and explain the difficult to explain, and charismatic leaders use it to control their agendas. The mood buster. Stephen

Word Verification: ovism

Jami said...

See I think the ghosts who are flipped out are the ones whose primary love language is touch. Poor unloved spirits. They are just going to be grouchy until the resurrection.

grugun noun, a single resentment.
I am holding a grugun against Target because they do not allow Girl Scouts to sell cookies in front of their store. (Took a bit to dig out that grudge because I'd buried my pain so deeply.)

And for you CTD, a true, scary story:

A couple of days ago, I was finishing off a Pomegranate RockStar that I'd left sitting on the table. Warm's OK with me and it was more than half full. Tossing it would have been wasteful.

As I was polishing off the last bit, a little something fell into my mouth, kinda spongy feeling. What's that? Oh nothing. Just a dead fly!

"Mom, mom, what's wrong? Why are you screaming? Are you OK?"

As I gargled rubbing alcohol, I signed that I would survive, but that they need to excuse me for a bit because I needed to boil my tongue.

Now that's a scary story! AND I'm pretty sure the Holy Ghost was trying to tell me something.

Kristina P. said...

Can you do a post about how word verifiers are evil and a tool of satan?


Me said...

The poor Old Boat Guy isn't gonna wonder what he has gotten himself into......He's gonna how all these crazy ladies are finding him.

Annie Valentine said...

This is me being jealous for you.


We know I'm kind of psycho jealous about this kind of stuff, but seriously, go read "His Needs Her Needs" if you don't believe me that Tennis with another woman is B-A-D. Even darling Martha. Who's darling.

Or just cast this comment aside as one of the many husband-gone-and-Annie's-gone-crazy comments. Either way, you're good.

Martha said...

Crash, Sorry to use your blog to talk to Annie.

Annie, thanks for saying I'm darling, that was nice. See my husband and I have played tennis against Crash and her husband. (And I still feel guilty about that overhead in your stomach, do you still have nightmare about that?). Yes, Crash plays a mean game of tennis herself. Her hubby has trained her to keep up the family name. She's gotten really good.

So how about I only play tennis with Crash's hubby if she or one of her kids or my kids are there. Because we never play alone, I promise. When we played on Monday there were 18 kids there because we coach two teams. It's just that I get tired of feeding balls to kids and not getting to nail the ball hard myself. I just don't want my glory days to end. So we teamed up to smear the two best kids who needed a little humbling and man did they get humbled.

So is it ok now? Remember I'm not going to make him laugh, ever. I will not compliment him either. And it's not that he's not good enough, it's because Crash is my BFF in real life (except for Laura) and I would never jeopardize that. Plus, my husband and six kids wouldn't dig it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee. I have so many things to say to alllll of you in here, but I have to run teach my darn class which I actually get paid for so you'll just have to wait for all your lectures.

But I do want to quickly thank Annie for looking out for my eternal salvation. She is so sweet. Go buy her stupid Twilight Shirts.

And I'm just teasing Martha because she is my bff in real life (except for Laura) and she is darling, but she's not as funny as me so I'm not really threatened. If I can't make my husband laugh, then I know she can't either. Also, I'm way better at tennis than her. Okay, she's a little better, and I have a scar to prove it. And the scar is not on my stomach IT"S ON MY CHEST, MARTHA!!!!

But that's okay.


Alyson (New England Living) said...

Just saw that you were lurking in my blog. Were you over there judging me again? You're always judging me! Don't you know that you're not supposed to be judgmental?! Oh, I forgot, you have to judge me for the contest. I guess that's ok.

Your verifier says "whinie". I think it's saying you're whiny. See how it feels to be judged? I wish these verifier ghosts would learn to spell though.

Loved your post and I agree that there is nothing to be scared of with ghosts, unless they're of the non-human kind...not good.

Laura said...

Owwee man! Now do I have to pick just one BFF? Thanks for putting me in the middle of this you guys! I don't even want to know about your spouse swaps! Let's just keep that private shall we??

My word verification advises- rugen.. so I'm going to take that advice and run.

Annie Valentine said...

Thanks Martha, I feel so much better. I am personally so bad at tennis that the one time my hubby tried to teach me, he finally met me at the net with racket in the off position. He kindly put his hand on my face and said, "Honey, let's never do this again."

He no longer gets to play tennis with any female on the planet or in Hawaii.

If I were as good at tennis as Crash, things would be so different...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay peeps, I'm back. I wanted to get back here all day yesterday, but the whole contest thing kinda sucked the life blood out of me. And now the moment is probably past.

I guess I just wanted to say the some of you in this box right now are going to see yourselves again someday, somewhere, somehow, when you're least expecting it. Especially YOU, my kill joy, mood spoiler brother. THAT's IT! Gloves are off! YOU want a piece of me????

You're going down, bruddah!

That boy is always egging me on!

But the rest of you . . . thank you for your tips and ideas. hmmmm.

Like I said, maybe you'll see yourself again someday.