Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Raise your hand if you think blogging is like Relief Society

I think I owe you and the whole Mormon mommy blogging community an apology for comparing blogging to an illegal, addictive substance.  I probably should have compared it to a legal, non-addictive substance like oatmeal--something that's kinda mushy but ultimately good for you, or fishing--something that can feed a (wo)man for a life time once someone teaches her how to do it. 

So, let me go ahead and rephrase that:

Raise your hand if you think blogging is like Relief Society?

Blogging really is like Relief Society because the more people you give a calling to, the more people feel obligated to come to your blog on Sundays.

Am I right? Or am I right?
No women are as resourceful and Kreativ as Mormon women when it comes to Glindanomics.

As sisters we prayerfully decide who we will give the Kick-A$$ blogger award to, (which is equal to the Sunday Greeter) and who we will give the Comment Whore award to, (which is equal to the 3rd Sunday teacher) and who we will give the BFF Gold Card to (which is the R.S. President).  

Tagging is just like giving away the friendship basket, except we have so many friends we can just go ahead and count it as our visiting teaching.

(btw, sisters, have you completed your tagging this month?  There's less than a week left. Remember the message is 6 Kreativ things about yourself.)

All of this is to make everyone feel welcome and included , but really it boils down to numbers (or hits, if you're smoking pakalolo).  Let's be real.

What we really want is to get our percentages up.

And we're all trying to be just like the Stake Relief Society President (TAMN). And secretly we hope someday we might make eye contact with the General Relief Society President (Ree, the Pioneer Woman) so we can ask her what it was like going through Devil's Pass with the Martin Willy Handcart company and if the devil really lives there. 

If you don't mind, could I make a quick announcement before the practice hymn?

As the Sunday Greeter I've noticed two things we Mormon Mommy Bloggers protest too much about:

1. Being crazy ladies. Looney tunes. Coo coo for Coco Puffs.  Nutty Buddies, getting through our days from pack meeting to pack meeting one Xanax at a time. Riding the Hamster Wheel until they come to take us away to the Funny Farm.

It's just not true. We're all just bored silly.

2.) Being completely satisfied with our . . . well . . . for lack of a better word . . . fortune cookies. And some of us even pretend that our fortune cookies are oh so hot and spicey.

And that's just not true either. Come on girls. We're bored silly and we have no desire to get jiggy with it.   (And to the first person who tries to defend themselves in the comment box I say, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard.)

Personally I think those who talk about it don't do it and those who don't talk about it . . . don't do it either. 

It's okay to admit your life is a sham and that deep down you really just want to move to Chicago. 

I just have one challenge for you before the Comment Whore begins the lesson: let's all try a little bit harder this week to stop the insanity.   

And don't forget to call your coordinator when you've finished your tagging teaching.  

(That wasn't much better than the pakalolo comparison, was it?) 

(How about this one:  Raise your hand if you think blogging is like a pyramid scheme!)  

(Or am I just digging this hole deeper?)   


*MARY* said...

I don't get it, probably because I've never been to relief society. When I graduated from YW I was sent straight to primary to play the piano, then I spent a couple years not going to church because the commies wouldn't let me and now I'm stuck in the nursery. But blogging could be compared to the nursery. Just a bunch of moms ignoring children while they gossip with each other and share recipes.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha. Even better!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

It's true, my life's a sham! All those pictures I take? Well, they are fakes. I'm really a 50-something year old man living in my ma's basement in Iowa. Ahh, feels good to confess, but wait, how did you get me to do that so easily?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

K - I've written an entry for your spook-a-rama! Go see it on my blog. Hope you enjoy it!

Melanie J said...

Okay, I have no idea how I have missed your blog up to this point, I know.

I love that you managed to use the words "Relief Society" and "whore" in the same lesson and am probably a bad person for noticing.

But I still laughed.

Crash-n-Sewl said...

That was awesomely funny! Oh man- so spot on.

And the comments are hilarious too.

You're always good for a laugh Crash :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Melanie, I have no idea how you missed my blog either. I've been trying my best to use all the Mormon buzzwords together here. But I hate to break it to you. That's the first time I used the word whore and I won't be using it again. I got that from Kristina P. so if you want naughty you need to go over there. This is the clean flix version.

Funny Farmer said...

So, I am not quite knowing what to think here.

#1- Are you saying you don't like my blog?
#2- I really am crazy! I am!
#3- Are you actually trying to discourage comments with that "the guilty taketh the truth to be hard" quip?
#4- Cuz I think it's working.
#5- Maybe that proves you're not a comment whore after all?
#6- I like lists. Does that make me a copycat? Cuz I liked them even before Mariko started this fad.
#7- I DID TOO!


The Crash Test Dummy said...

But Alyson, does that mean your husband is not really a gimp?


#1--I love your blog even though you're pretending to be crazy.
#2--I know you're just pretending so give it up, sista.
#3--Either the guilty really do taketh the truth to be hard, which means the scriptures are true, or the guilty are all busy reading fortune cookies.
#4--YOU'RE RIGHT! It's eerily quiet in here, in a guilty sort of way.
#5--I think you're right again. I may not be a comment whore after all. Could my allegiance be to truth after all, and not popularity? YIKES!
#6--You are not a copycat, but your lists are an example of peer pressure. Mariko is bringing out the worst in you.
#7--You did too, what?
#8--Did the verifier really say sperhaunt? WOW! That's crazy.

The Rogers Family said...

Some times when I come here I feel like I am doing a panty raid at a relief society slumber party where everyone is drinking too much mountain dew and forgeting how when they were at the young womens slumber party they discussed how cute charlie case is. Some day soon ask Crash for a list of how to make my Mormon romance sizzle with out sinning. Stephen

Funny Farmer said...

#7 - I did TOO like lists before Mariko made them fashionable.
#8 - actually it said "sperhant", but stretching the truth is perfectly acceptable on this site, is it not?
#9 - should I be alarmed that the first thing I thought of when I saw "lingi" in the word verifier was "lingerie"?
#10 - don't answer that.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha. Stephen thinks I'm lying about my interest in fortune cookies.

And Lisa really is lying about her interest in fortune cookies.

Life is so darn funny (and confusing) sometimes.


Lisa, let's just keep gabbing in here so people think I'm popular.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Actually I'm going out for a walk so no more gabbing. (I have a life, people!

And don't talk behind my back while I'm gone.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

And I really am popular!

Funny Farmer said...

We'll make you popular. Just not quite as pop-u-larrrrr, asssss, MEEEEEEEEEE!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

7,000 hits a day is nothing to turn your nose down to.

(And you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition by the way. I can do it because I'm an English teacher and I know the rules, but you shouldn't do it.)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Did you just swear in my comment box?

I'm going for a walk NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

My real life is waiting for me to embrace it NOW!!!!!

Funny Farmer said...

Will someone explain about the fortune cookies? Because I am so lost on that one.

"unticals" hahahahahahahahhahaa

Funny Farmer said...

Dude - let me guess. You've never seen Wicked.

"viagra" -- I don't care who you are, that's FUNNY!

ok ok - so I added a g. sheesh.


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I'm still here. And OF COURSE I've seen wicked. Hello! Why else would I be making all the Glinda jokes. (I know you made them first, but still).

And go to my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day to understand the fortune cookie jokes.

Sheesh, girl! Keep up! ;)


Going now!

Funny Farmer said...

I DID read the Bad Day post (in bed)! I guess I am a bird-brain... but I am still not getting the fortune cookie thing.

It's okay. I don't need to understand everything to be a competent capable person. And I understand that explaining it to my poor befuddledness will ruin the joke. So that's okay!

But I bet I'm not the only one who doesn't get it. I'm just the only one brave enough to admit it.

Maybe late tonight as I'm falling asleep it will all fall into place and I'll bolt upright in bed and begin laughing my head off and my husband will finally ave me committed.

Because I really am crazy.

"dewsies" I kid you not. This one was not added to or altered in ANY WAY!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

That was a "dewsie" girl.

And YES, as you're laying (in bed) tonight and your husband reaches for you (in bed) it will finally dawn on you!!! You might have to read a bit of Kristina P. and her "SECRET" blog first to fully understand. (Not that I read it, cause I don't, cause I'm not interested in what crazy Mormon women "secretly" think about fortune cookies.)

And I listen to that song all the time, btw!!! I had it on my cell phone 2 years ago. (well, I would have if I had a cell phone 2 years ago.)

If I wasn't going for a walk right now I would say, "hey, let's just IM!"

Alyson (New England Living) said...

No, the part about my husband being a gimp, that's still true. Don't tell my ma about my gimpy husband though. She a bit homophobic.

Man, it's hard to keep the fact that I have a gimpy husband quiet when I live in my ma's basement. Shhh, you gimp, she'll hear you up there!

Funny Farmer said...

Homophobic?! :shakes head sadly: I am soooo utterly lost here.

Yep. Completely. Over my head! Wheeeeee! It's over now byebye!


Funny Farmer said...

and now it says "grate"

which is what y'all are doing to my NERVES!

Is it possible to laugh too much in one afternoon?

Mariko said...

Seriously. 7000 hits? SERIOUSLY?!
You've just made me feel terrible about myself. Thanks.
Why can't I be funny? *whine*
And why aren't you a millionaire making money off your ads?
Blogging is exactly like relief society. An elite group of women that I'm not invited to because I don't know how to make pretty centerpieces. Oh, and just to get back at them, I never bring my lesson manual. So instead I just have to crash their party and pretend to cry at the end of the lesson.
Actually, I think blogging is way more like pakalolo, because it's a gateway drug, and I just keep trying to bum my fix off of other people.
Farmer: By the way, I know, I'm a trendsetter. Kinda like 80's hair. Someone had to just step out there with their hairspray and show everyone else how to use their style.


Martha said...

Hey my insanity has lessened this week because R's soccer is over!!! Yeah!!! I'm sure you're glad that Z's is over and one of T's are done too. Now we can focus on tennis.

By the way I stole your husband last night to play doubles with. Hope you don't mind. It was extra fun to play with someone who (I hate to admit it) is just as good, (ok he's better) than me. We slaughted J and Nate 6-0, 6-0. I could count on him getting every shot and not have to run my behind off to get it myself.

I was just thinking that I wished I had a tennis husband. So can I at least borrow yours sometimes?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes Mariko, that's what I want to know, why aren't I making millions off my ads? How do you know I'm not? Just because we rent a tiny townhouse doesn't mean we're not LOADED.

And if I did get 7,000 hits would I have to fill up my own comment box to make myself look like the relief society hasn't just cast me out of their presence?

And did everyone just witness my neighbor trying to steal my husband??????

Seriously, so blessed! said...

Sister Dummy, bless you. I want you to know how much I care about each and every one of you and how I think about your individual well-being as I prepare this winter's stake-wide tan-a-thon. Thanx for all you do, sisters. {pleading frownsmile} THANK YOU.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGosh, the stake relief society is having a tan-a-thon!!!!

Can I just sent a shout out to her right now:

NO, Bless YOU, sister Blessed!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Hey, there's TAMN above me! She's the coolest relief society president. I love stake wide tan-a-thons.

Funny Farmer, just look at my first comment and then what CTD said back to me. Then the homophobic comment will make sense.

Funny Farmer said...

Mariko - you ARE funny! Your drollness is the perfect complement to the Dummy's dummness.

Alyson - OK thank you for that pointer-outer... I had completely skimmed over the fact that you are a man. Yikes!

And I think I finally get the fortune cookies thing. Yay that I didn't have to wake up my husband laughing about fortune cookies (in bed)!


p.s. Tanning is of the devil

Pat said...

Geez I have been busy all day and feel like I missed the bestest most popular party ever. And I really needed a laugh. But then it is like you taped the lesson and I could hear at home and still be uplifted. Too clever and funny.
Can't wait to read tomorrow.

And I think that blogging is like RS if it can hold up the heads that hang down and all that blah blah blah stuff.

Pat said...

Oh and you are right Lisa is not insane. But me that is a different story. I am just one day away from the insane asylum.

How is that for competition, I am way more crazy than you, nanny nanny boo boo?

Well maybe we are both crazy which is good because I really like her and so maybe we can get a padded cell together.

Martha said...

Wait! I only want to borrow him for his tennis abilities. I might as well get it all out in the open. I really like playing basketball with him too. He's all yours the rest of the time.

Funny Farmer said...

:stomp stomp stomp: I AM TOO CRAZY!

Amidey (aka Crazy Lady) said...

I can testify as Lisa's BFFIRL that she IS in fact crazy as a loon. (You go girl! I got your back. We crazy girls gotta stick together.)

"irriacc" is that like a maniac who irritates you? Oh! Would that be me?

heh heh.

:lifts corner of one side of mouth:

Jami said...

The post came back. Yay! Stake wide tan-a-thon. Can I sponsor someone? 'Cause I can't tan. It's sad. Maybe you guys can have the proceeds from the t-a-t pay to have me artificially bronzed.

Funny Farmer said...

I knew I could count on my irriacc irlbff to validate my insaneness. To Amidey I will my straitjacket. As for PAT - you are so out of my will. No padded room for YOU!


Annie Valentine said...

I confess. My name's not Annie. I'm really a twenty-something single woman with a huge crush on my best friend, but that's boring so I blog about laundry. There. I said it. Cat out of the bag.