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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Glenn Beck is a Terrorist (Oh, and Happy Election Day!)

Okay, I know Glenn Beck is more of an alarmist than a terrorist, and I love him as a brother, a COG, and a fellow "member," but, DUUUUDE, he's terrorizing my husband.

For the love of Pete, could somebody please ask the prophet to ask Mr. Beck to kindly stop using big nasty words like collasal and fascism and marxism and socialism all in the same breath.

And to stop calling the roaring 20's the long. loooooong. endless. years. of the Great Depression.

They weren't that great!

And to stop saying the word HUGE. As in "This is going to play a HUGE role in our economy." Or "This will have a HUGE impact on your life."

And to stop saying, "the real story here is . . ."

Or "anybody with a semblance of a brain . . ."

Or "the fruits of your labor will be taken away . . ."

And tell him to stop the arguments against idiots segment. That's just as fruitless as bible bashing.

To borrow a cute phrase from Jami, my favorite cute-phrase-friend, he's twisting my husband's knickers all up in a knot. 

Here's what my husband said when the stock market crashed . . . "Glenn Beck said this would happen."


When Obama danced on Ellen . . . "Glenn Beck said this would happen."


When people started fasting about Proposition 8 on Facebook . . . "Glenn Beck said this would happen.


When Bruce Springsteen began ranting that he wants his country back, his America back . . . well, I guess Glenn Beck never said that would happen.


But last week when I went to Costco and filled up the car I was ecstatic. The price of gas had dropped to only $2.69 per gallon. I called my husband in a fit of glee to tell him. 

His reply?

"Oh, no!"

"What do you mean, Oh, no?" I said.

"Glenn Beck said this would happen!"

Just then my phone battery mysteriously died. 



Happy Election day everyone! I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, or who I'm going to vote for (even though in Hawaii it doesn't matter because the winner is announced on the radio as we're driving to the polls).

Just don't vote for Glenn Beck, or for anyone else affiliated with terrorism, or who's initials spell B.O. or anyone over the age of 85, or anyone who wears lipstick to a hockey game. And don't vote for anyone who wears $520 shoes with the Dali Lama, or anyone who wears shoes with holes in the soles, or anyone who spends more/less than $150,000 on their wardrobe. And don't vote for anyone who approves this announcement or who makes you laugh or makes you cry or makes you cringe or makes you cupcakes.

(Either way it's a historic day for minorities!)

(P.S. Did anyone see The Price is Right yesterday? On his 19th birthday, cute Taylor wins a Scooter, a Mustang, $1,000 at the wheel for landing on $1.00, THEN $25,000 for landing on the $1.00 again, then goes to the showcase and wins another car and a trip to Boston!

Don't even try to tell me there is no God.  Or that the Price is Right is not rigged.)

17 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Oh, Dummy, you make me laugh.

And don't tell your husband, but I've never listened to Glen Beck. Although, it sounds like he could be a stand-in for the prophet, apparently.

Funny Farmer said...

Everytime I watch/listen to Glenn Beck, I always think how exhausting it would be to live with him.

Of course, sometimes I think that about you too. :D

I say that from a place of love!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

You had me laughing, especially the story about when you told your husband about the gas prices. The fact that your phone went dead sounded so supernatural and prophetic!

I promise...I won't vote for any of those people who told me not to.

I'm with you, I'm not telling who I'm voting for either.

T said...

Glenn Beck knew you were going to post this!

I avoid listening to him usually, but I CRACKED up in his recent conversion video when he referred to Provo by saying it made Stepford look Sane :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...gas prices here are ALSO $2.69...so I feel like we are connected somehow!

Crazy...superstitious...and I'm glad I have NO idea who you are going to vote for...so I'm not telling YOU who I am voting for...(BTW already voted)...but you're right...I'm definitely NOT voting for anybody with the initials B.O. because that just STINKS!

WoW...I'm totally FUNNY...and Kristina P is so on top of the WHOLE commenting thing!

Again...I'm totally funny! See ya!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Sorry had to do another comment because I forgot to mark the follow-up comments and I love to follow-up on your comments! see ya!

*MARY* said...

So I guess you're telling us to just not vote at all.
Done.

JLPierce Ohana said...

Oh c'mon- Glenn Beck is awesome!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I LOVE Glen Beck but every time I get done watching him I feel worried and like I need to go pump up my food storage :)
Our gas is down to $2.09...hallelujah

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Since Shelle is following these comments, I must say that I haven't seen you lurking around my neck of the woods lately, Shelle! What's up with that? I'm your adopted step-cousin once removed after all. Wait until Uncle Huey hears about this! :-)

"torsacke" - All I have to say is who tore it and what sack was it?!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, my verifier says dedelazi.

No explanation needed.

Okay, Kristina, don't call my Dummy. I don't mind dummy however.

FF, ME TOO! But that was rude what you said about me. I am not as caffinated in real life. I only drink Code Red in blog life. And I asked my husband if he thought it was exhausting to live with me and he said "I've never thought so." (But then he does love Glenn Beck so maybe he married the right girl, after all.) ;)

Alyson and Mary, thank you for being obedient followers.

t, hee hee hee. That was a good one about Glenn knowing I was going to post that. I didn't get it until I was in the shower and then I couldn't stop cracking up.

And the Stepford wife thing. . . OMGOSH! That was so hilarious. I totally love Glenn Beck now.

Actually, Pierce Ohana I DO think Glenn Beck is awesome. (And I know who you ARE too).

HI SEWL! I MISS YOU now that the contest is over!

And Shelle, BONDED at 2.69. Go lurk over in New England today!

I just voted, btw! Tell you all about it tomorrow!

Melanie J said...

My friend won $100 on The Price Is Right (the real one, with Bob Barker) but it was more like a door prize drawing after the taping and she had to dig it out of his pocket. And you could totally see me in the audience and then they wait forever to air the show so when it showed I was actually in the labor and delivery room at my hospital watching myself on The Price Is Right.

Jen said...

THE PRICE IS RIGHT IS RIGGED???!!!!

No way. I'll never believe it. A guy from my home ward won the Showcase Showdown once, and I don't think anyone would ever have rigged anything for that old logger! What a card.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I miss you too Crash. Whahhhhhh

Amanda said...

WOW! I have to say "Hello" and introduce myself. I'm Laura's SIL and I have to admit that I've read a few of your comments and tagged your blog a few times but I just didn't get you. I did not understand the cult following you have....but today, you won me over! I finally understood the humor...it was like the veil had been lifted. Today is a magical day...it also may be the end of the world as we know it. Too much for me to process so I'm just going to be grateful there was an inspired moment on this day. Not the enlightment I had hoped for, but enlightenment none the less :)

Mariko said...

Are you actually TRYING to hide who you're voting for?
"queltris"
What sadness. Or close enough.

Tana said...

I love your humor. I have a Love/Hate Relationship with Glenn Beck. Everytime he says his show is the "Third most listened to show" I always say. Out Loud. "Who's First and Second?" I always want to know what they are talking about too. Love the Blog!