Saturday, November 22, 2008

If I didn't know better I might be pregnant

This week my husband kept saying, "are you pregnant?" even though he knew I wasn't because the immaculate conception occurred eons ago.

The first time he asked me was when I fixed a deliciously healthy and hearty lunch of Salmon and mashed pototoes, licked my plate clean and then poured myself a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Then the tears commenced. It wouldn't have been so bad except I don't have a lot of frequent cryer miles to my name, so every tear is on the radar.

On Monday I cried crocodile tears while watching a Thomas Jefferson documentary.  I also cried when I opened our utility bill for $250 since we don't even have air con or heat and if I want to get warm I  have to turn on the oven.  

On Tuesday I cried butterfly tears when the-little-butterfly-that-could flew away into the big wide world.  Then I got gloomy listening to The Carpenters Christmas album so I drank a gallon of egg nog. (Why doesn't John Mayer make a Christmas album?)

On Wednesday I cried buckets of French tears while reading Les Miserables and I ate French toast for dinner and I had to ask my night class to pardon my French when they all got 3/20 on the quiz.

On Thursday I cried again just because I watched an interview with Ken Burns about his filmmaking process and about Jackie Robinson's funeral.  The filmmaking process is so beautiful and Jackie's Robinson's funeral is so sad.  I went to McDonalds and ordered a dozen apple pies. 

On Friday I cried monstrous tears when I found out my sister was in the hospital in monstrous pain, (after being in and out of the hospital and in and out of monstrous pain all week.) My sister got much more $$$, beauty, talent, grace, charm and Ikea Furniture than I did, but that poor rich, beautiful, talented, gracious, charming girl also got much more pain, so I don't begrudge her the rest.

Today I got the phone call that she's out of the woods and out of the hospital, (and I got my period--you were right, Mariko), and I got a long winter's nap, and now my eyes are as dry as a bone.

I guess I'm not pregnant after all.


(I mean, phew!)

The good news is I will be back to my funny-not-pregnant-dummy self again next week. 

P.S. Did anyone see this comment from David Santos of Portugal on my last post? Let me refresh your memory: "Well, well, well! Beautiful posting!!! I love your imagination! Congratulations!!! Have a nice Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

First: Has the CTD Diaries gone international or what?

Second: well, well well! What does that mean? Does he think he caught me with my hand in the cookie jar?

Third: What does he mean he loves my imagination? I didn't make that butterfly story up. That was 100% true. I have no imagination. That's why incredible things happen to me, because I can't think of them myself.

Fourth: What is he congratulating me for? My imagination? My butterfly whispering abilities? (please be specific in your comments, people.)

Fifth: Does he TRULY want me to have a nice day or what? That's at least 15 exclamation points. I've never had such a sincere wish before.

Mahalo David Santos!


Kristina P. said...

Yeah, I got the pregnant comments because I posted about chocolate covered bacon.

I guess you and I share the same womb.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Sad to say, the pms symptoms get more and more like pregnancy symptoms every month, at least for me and you, too, or so it sounds. Like. And as for David (was it David?) in Portugal (was it Portugal? because my brain gets more full of holes every month, too) ha! You sure told him!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

What the....

Email me about Mel will ya ;)

xoxo Em

Anjeny said...

If you didn't say anything about the period, I would have actually swore on Les Miserables that you are totally on so I'm glad you're over whatever you're going through.
As for David..lemme make an attempt, I like to pretend I can interpret anything..
1."Well, well, well", as in who would've thought a dummy can be sooo creative and sentimental..(his thoughts, not mine).
2. He loves the fact that you can imagine yourself as a butterfly whisperer..again, his thoughts, not mine.
3. He is congratulating you on you're capturing his attention, you blogging from Hawaii and mesmerizing him all the way over there in Portugal..and this last one would answer you very first question, you've definitely gone international.
Hey, don't look at me that way, all those thoughts are his, not mine, you know I would ramble wherever I go, right? ahah

Pat said...

I read this post while wathcing the beginning of the BYU Utah game and I cried through the whole thing. What does that mean? And have a nice day!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I think Mr. Santos is on to something!!! It doesn't matter what we say as long as we use lots of exclamation points!!!

I am LoW said...

Ohmyheavens, I am totally going through something very similar. How bizarre.

Sympathy pains? If so, who has sympathy for who?

Mariko said...

Don't tell anyone, but you're my favorite person I kind of know but never talk to in real life.
How much do I have to pay you if I die laughing?
Pam always says that if someone asks if you're pregnant, you should be flattered, because at least you look young enough to be pregnant.
If PMS wasn't bad enough, in the last year I've started having middleschmertz too, so I'm a basket case all month long.

Melanie J said...

Yeah, it's "well, well, well" as in "finally, something amazing that I've been looking through the whole blogosphere to find and here it is." That's all it was.

Funny Farmer said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry to have to tell you that now that you're forty-something-something... the hormone induced insanity is only gonna get worse from here on out.

Annie Valentine said...

Well, well, well! I think I'll have an entire week's worth of comments that start that way. It says something, doesn't it?

You are SUCH A GOOD WRITER. This post was fantastic. I know I should be all witty and hahahaha at you, but the entire time I was reading this I felt like it was funny, poetic pros, effortlessly crafted in a way that made me so jealous I couldn't bear to laugh.

Annie Valentine said...

I did laugh, by the way.

Wendyburd1 said...

I cry at the commercial with the lil white round ball who is depressed, it hits so close to home! *sniff* I am a white blob too!:)

Liz said...

wait, i thought david santos was a spammer! haha! so i always delete his comments! is that hideously snotty American of me or what?

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Found your blog via Suburb Sanity this morning. Laugh out loud funny!

"Congratulations on your imagination!" It was like there was some sort of contest and you won. Hooray for ambiguous comments.

I will try to be very specific in my comments going forward...

In the fourth paragraph of your post, you referenced a $250 utility bill. How did that happen? I LOATHE high utility bills, but have definitely been in the same boat as you. Do you live in an immense palace completely covered in Christmas lights all year like me? No? I think I will be switching to candlelight this holiday season.


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Well, well, well!

Would you look at my comment box! Everyone of you looks like you've got your hand in the cookie jar and I just can't restrain my impulse to give you all a piece of my mind before I go to my 6:30 am ward counsel meeting. You heard me write. I mean, right!

Verifier says phorude. Pho' RUDE! How funny is that?

Kristina P. Your chocolate covered bacon totally caught me off guard. Ingenius. Brilliant. But I'm sorry you got all those pregnancy comments because 150 pregnancy comments hurt worse than 15 menopause/middleshmertz/hormone induced insanity comments.

Hiedi and Funny Farmer, thank you for giving me so much to look forward to, especially since I'm quite sure I'M OLDER than you so I SHOULD be the one saying "JUST YOU WAIT!"

But yes, it is so sad that we women only get 378 hormones to battle with for the rest of our lives, along with our weight/body image/self esteem/mother-guilt/Victoria Secret guilt issues.

Funny Farmer, your comment was like an epiphany. A sharp insight into the deep seeded CRAZY Mormon Mommie crisis. Cause take the above issues and double them up with Relief Society guilt and Celestial Kingdom guilt and canning/sewing/gardening/emergency preparedness/scripture reading/Twilight reading guilt. We don't have a prayer.

Wow! I'm waxing long. Only 56 minutes until my meeting and my hair is still wet.

But I proceed:

Emily I will email you, but it was only Gal stones and then internal bleeding.

Anjeny!!! Well, well, well! Whodathunk a 16 year old island rambling crazy crafter with 7 children could be so dang hilarious and insulting and complimentary and insightful all at once. Ladies, I think we've got a genious on our hands.

Pat, I thought of you as I was driving home from Costco listening to the game on the radio. I knew you were crying because you're so tender that way. Sadly, it's the only think I didn't cry about this week. I tried to cry, but I couldn't evoke the necessary emotion. I hope you're not disappointed in me.

Life in the Highlands, YOU COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT ABOUT THE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Capitals work too. I know because I'm an English teacher. Mariko can back me up. And elipse abuse can drive a point home and a reader to the brink of insanity at the same time. (Amd I right, Mariko?)

Mariko, thanks for the compliment, but how many people do you kind of know but never talk to? That must be a pretty short list, so you're actually not dishing out compliments at all. That being said, I would have to say you're probably my favorite person I kinda know, but don't talk to too, (and can I add teaches my daughter English) too. If you die laughing just will all your tie dye shirt to me. And btw, you're only 28. You can't be getting middleshmertz yet. You're headed straight for mid life crisis. DUCK! (don't say I didn't warn you).

Annie, sweetie, I'm so glad I finally made you jealous so you know exactly how all the writers feel reading YOU everyday. My work here is done! BYE EVERYONE!

Lo, I think you should be feeling symptathy for me because my children don't have you for a mom and their holidays won't be half as magical. And I'm not just talking about Christmas. I'm talking about presidents day and memorial day and groundhog day and labor day. I never re enact my labor and have a lamaz party on Labor day.

Thanks MElanie, you're so cute. And even cuter with that photo next to your words.

Wendyburd, are you related to Jack-in-the-box? If so, can you get me some free tacos? I have a love/hate relationship with those tacos.

Liz, who knew you were such a hideous snotty American. You don't seem that way in real life. No, David Santos isn't a spammer. He's wise and witty and wonderful a little weird. He's also the most honest man I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMGosh, what's your name on the bottom of the page? Right above me. 3 Chicks in the Bay . . . THANK YOU for noticing my utility bill pain. Something everyone else overlooked as they spread their compost of the weeds of hormonal challenges. I live in a little grass shack in Hawaii. No air, nor heat, no Christmas lights, no electricity. I think the electric company charges for the humidity.

Well, that's all folks. I now have only 36 minutes to do my wet hair and put my dry face on.

HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does this count as my post for the day?

Mariko said...

Oh, Crash, I blog stalk people, so there are a bunch of people I kind of know but never talk to. Most of them I would not really like to be friends with in real life, though, even though I have had the opportunity. And for NONE of them, do I check their blog daily, or 5 times a day, and I never read their comment box so thoroughly.
There's your compliment. BAM!
I totally have middleschmertz. Are you calling me a liar? And it totally has nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't even heard about it until my friend who is 30 told me she started having it a couple of months ago. I am so not a hypochondriac. It's either middleschmertz or PID, so I rather it the former, and no, this is not TMI.
I totally prefer the dash to the elipsis, even though I use it way too much.

Funny Farmer said...

So wait -- how much use of the dash or ellipsis is too there a rule... or is it in the eye of the beholder?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

dash and elipses serve different purposes. But the elipses is way overused. I know this because I'm a recovering abuser. Well, I've been fully recovered for 15 years, but still.

Okay, lesson about elipses. Make sure you only use 3 dots. NOT 5 or 6 dots. Not 2 dots. Make sure there are spaces between each dot. space dot space dot space dot.

And use it sparingly. Dash too.

Mariko see how I weaseled that full monty confession/compliment out of you.

We should really be friends in real life now.

Funny Farmer said...

I dunno if one is allowed to wax bossy about ellipses if one can't even spell the term correctly.

:big fat raspberry:

Real life friends are overrated. First they start wanting to borrow eggs and onions, and then have the audacity to expect that you will actually "be there" for them when some crisis hits. Major time sink, if you ask me.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee Funny Farmer. You are so right on every count. hee hee hee.

I better go read Pat's post since I'm in the crying mode anyway. I haven't read anything for a few days not.

Mariko said...

Wait. I only put spaces between the dots if I'm actually leaving something out. Otherwise, it's just hanging off the edge, waiting for continuation, and I don't use spaces. This is the grammar book of me, not anything technical, and since you teach college I will defer to you, but shouldn't there be a difference between the purpose of use?
And shouldn't I be able to use as many commas in a sentence as I want?

Yes, let's.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Yay for getting your period! I thank the heavens every time I get mine. TMI? Ok, sorry.