Sunday, November 2, 2008

My Super Hopeless Marriage

Since tomorrow (today for you) is the sabbath, and it's a special sabbath for me because it's Stake Conference, which means I get to sleep all day (YAY) and go to the movies all night (YAY) I thought it would be appropriate to tell you why I love the primary program so much. (Primary Program first, My Super Hopeless Marriage later).

But first . . . a word about me. I really like me. Me is very insightful. Me should be an English teacher because me told me that I have cringe charm and that's an oxymoron. Me is also a very obedient follower because as soon as I told everyone to follow the boring old boat guy, she did. I really like obedient followers. Honestly, I hope I can be as obedient as me someday. And I hope they call me on a mission too.


(But why do you think me says I make her cringe? Do you think it was my comment about how if I were a pagany superstitious girl I would turn my own shirt sleeve up? She probably got offended because she knows it's unethical to interfere with superstitous rituals.)

And can I just say a word to Melanie who almost scolded me for breaking my promise to take the weekends off. First of all, if I ever made such a selfish promise I would definitely break it just as I break all my selfish promises. I'm totally committed to making you all cringe every single day for the rest of your/my life, unless I get hit by a car, in which case I've given Sewl my password and instructed her to publish the remaining 40 posts in my draft box after I'm gone.

I'm not like all those great bloggers who get paid to keep you in stitches every 3 or 4 days. The way I look at is this: Why get paid to keep your readers in stitches 4 days a week, when you can keep them in stitches 7 days a week for free!

Which makes me think about Sue and her Super Hopeless Romance pickle because she's going to become rich and famous in Provo for pretending to be a single woman in love with her best friend. I've been brainstorming to come up with a plan so I can get a piece of the pie. I am thinking of asking Sue if she'll let me write the sequel to Cordy and Seth's super hopeless romance. I would call it My Super Hopeless Marriage, or My Super Crazy, Boring, Lonely Hopeless Marriage. It would all be anonymous of course and no one would even have to know it's not Sue writing it.

If she says no, I might just go out on my own and instead of writing anonymous fiction I would write something real about someone real. Like Melanie. She wants to marry a stapler. I might write My Super Hopeless Stapler Romance. Now there's a hopeless romance! OUCH!

Okay, back to the primary program, my favorite favorite church day of the year, besides the day we had an earthquake and the power went out and church was cancelled and we had a pb&j potluck with the whole neighborhood.

I love the primary program because it always makes me incredibly giddy that I'm not the primary president. Sometimes you need to see what you don't have to be grateful for what you do have. I'll take the Relief Society President any day.

I also love that the bishop gets to sit with his family for once because Lisa's husband is a bishop and I bet she gets sick of watching him doze off on the stand for an hour in front of the whole ward.

I also love the primary program because my husband doesn't fall asleep since he's too busy chuckling at all the kids doing face plants when they step down from the pulpit.

I love it because is there anything funnier than kids in bow ties and suit coats grabbing the mike and saying "arrrahhgay oboooowiee!"

I also thinks it's so precious to hear the nursery kids singing "I Am a Child of Dog." I laugh, but inside I'm touched because I know how hard it is find your identity.

Mostly I just love watching all those cute little kids just being cute little kids. They don't even know they are so dang funny and that makes them even funnier. (But if I was the Primary President I would tell that little boy in the blue shirt on the front row to take it down a notch because he's a little pitchy.)

A word to all you moms and primary workers: RELAX! DON'T scold or scowl at or pinch your cute little funny kids when they pick their noses or run up and down the aisles or yell swear words in Sacrament meeting. I used to scold my kids too, but now that they just lay all over the benches and snore I realize I was way toooooooo uptight.

Hey, my husband just told me that we WILL be going to Stake Conference tomorrow so guess where I am right now? The movies. He took me to the movies. You think I'm blogging, but at this very moment I'm at the movies. (YAY)! (Sometimes it's a good idea to take off and leave your kids all alone for hours with a house full of candy!)

Anyway, I could have published this before I went to the movies, but I wanted to make Mariko stay up late and wait for it. hee hee!

P.S. I never read that super hopeless romance, btw. I knew it was a lie just from the title, cause in romance, just like in marriage, there's ALWAYS hope that your best friend might fall in love with you, (and vice versa).

Have you hugged your best friend today? Have you kissed your lover?

Look to it, friend.


Sue said...

Dude, how are you gonna write the sequel if you NEVER READ THE BLOG? REJECTED.

Seriously, your Super Hopeless Marriage comments cracked me up. Hilarious.

Kristina P. said...

If I knew that all I had to do to get a mention on your blog was to tell you how uncomfortable you make me I would have done so a long time ago.

And I love Me too. I've met her. Whatya got now, Dummy?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...and here I thought you were going to tell us the great big secret about marriage and all of that...I popped some popcorn clicked on your link and started reading away...

I even had the box of tissues...

One can never say I wasn't prepared for your post this morning!

AAAHHHH well...totally bummed out...I guess I'll finally have to go buy that book the 7 secrets of marriage or something like its a page turner!

I think SUE was right in rejecting you...I HAVE read her blog and so if I win your writing contest (hello can we say BYU Professors...they still count even if they DO live in Hawaii, picked me in the top 4) then I will approach her to write the sequel! lol!

And you also make me feel uncomfortable in a total TWIN kinda way! :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I meant hear not here it's a page turner! Just saying...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

SUE!!! BUMMER! I'm going to read it, I promise. I just haven't yet!

Kristina, P. Come on girl. All YOU have to do to get a mention on my blog is be nasty. That's enough for me.

Shelle, I DID tell you a great big secret about marriage. It's super crazy boring lonely and hopeless, but there's still always that slim chance that your best friend will fall in love with you and vice versa. (HOPEfully that best friend is your spouse). Plus I told you that the primary program rocks. Is that not popcorn/tissue worthy? Plus even though you're going to win this contest, you can't write the sequel because your marriage is tooooo cuddly. And your husband probably laughs at your jokes.

Annie Valentine said...

My five year old spent the entire primary program giving my winks and thumbs up.

Melanie J said...

Thanks for the shout out. Oh, and the giddiness of not being the primary president? I feel that every single Sunday.

Except for the ones where I have to walk the halls for three hours with the baby. Then I just feel annoyance.

Jen said...

Hold the phone - SHELLE IS GOING TO WIN THE CONTEST??? Did I miss a memo or something, because I have still been holding out hope over here...

Now I'm going to have to be depressed. The only thing that can possibly cheer me up, is that I was released as Primary Prez a few months ago, and get to be giddy next week during the program.

And I really wanted that blog makeover too...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

No worries, Jen. All four finalists get a prize!

And I was just saying that to make Shelle feel better about herself. I haven't even read her story.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oooooh wait! Hold the phones! That is a close race between Shelle and Jen. Jen's inching up with 11.6 hours left to vote!


I mean SHELLE!


LY both!

Mariko said...


That's my favorite one yet.

Movies? And you didn't invite me?
We'll just see who are the sinnes now.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Jen it's all who you know in this life...and let me just say...WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? you are totally breathing down my neck...and I don't do great with hot neck breaths or breathing period from anybody but my husband...

I just entered anyway because I am choosing my own prize I am giving'll save me time and all of that if I'm just in charge of taking my OWN family photo! lol! Okay I kid, sort of.

I like to write LOL because Annie hates it...she wrote a whole post about it...pretty you should just over to her blog and post a bunch of sentences with LOL at the end! Totally funny!

And just for the RECORD...Crash totally read my entry because I had her proof read it *and she had all of these sidenotes praising my talent to write, but then wrote how horrible my grammar was...and then I had her pay off the judges...

I mean...

May the best person win!

My Word verifier says, NOATIO...which I think means in Antartica No AT you happen to live in OHIO JEN? Maybe that is why I'm winning?

Just saying...


Me said...

Wow! Should I be flattered for the shout-out or feel like I just given a wedgie from the school bully? Either way, Thanks! I haven't seen Me, Me, ME, ME so many times in one post since well, the last time I posted. As it is all about me, hence the reason I am ME. Did you get all that?

Once again you made me smile.

Jen said...

Shelle - that whole thing about who you know? HELLO 67 FOLLOWERS (last time I looked). You are like Ms. Blog Popularity!

I am honored to actually be in the running with a veritable blogosphere celebrity.

But I still want to win, so take this: Haaaaah, HAAAAAH!

(That's me, breathing hot breath down your neck)

(In a really fun-loving, good-sportsblogger-like way...)

(Well, not TOO fun-loving, because that could just be weird, but you know what I mean, right?)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

What I have 67 followers???...crap, way to make me look JEN...I only have 61 followers! Or did you talk to 6 more people that mean to follow but just haven't yet? :)

All I'm saying is that JEN is winning now and it's all because she told all of HER followers to read the wrong Spook/Funny story I wrote and so they couldn't be swayed to my side...JEN plays dirty!

Crash you don't like dirty do you? or's just naked things you don't like...

I have to give it to JEN though...the girl had a funny story, I found my mouth twitching while I was reading I'm okay to lose to her. Plus I believe she's totally prettier than me and so people tend to sway to the side that is most pleasing to the eye! WOE is me...

lol (that's for you Annie)

Anyway...on to something even more revealing...

The WORD Verifier says VENOUTB...which in Antartican language means Jen Out Breathe (b stands for breathe)...Which all translates to NOW i'm breathing down your neck...

and sorry,

I had onions this evening!

Pat said...

Ok the word verifier says "amispits", who it this ami and why is she spitting?

I am thinking of putting the word verifier up on my blog because it really is just ridiculously entertaining. Who knew? Crash, she is such a trend setter, I tell ya.

I love the primary program also.

And I feel very conflicted about the whole Jen/Shelle showdown thing. I am friends with both of them. I voted for one the first day and the other the second and today I didn't vote because I couldn't decide between them.
AAAAAGGGG!! Crash you are causing me stress.

Jen said...

Prettier WHAT? Who are you to talk, Ms. Pin-up Girl Twin? If that wasn't you, it really did look totally JUST like you.

What a babe.

And I still haven't found your other story yet. So all I have to say about that is "chrout".

Because that's what the word verifier says.

And if it's good enough for Crash's WV, then gosh dangit, it's good enough for me! (whether or not I know what it means in Antartican).

Kris said...

At our primary program 2 cute sunbeams started singing/yelling Dinosaur-Roar with face and hand motions, instead of I'm a child of dog. After about the 20th roar, one of the dad's decided that the kid was done singing and snatched him off the stand. My teenager started booing, until he got an elbow in the ribs. He plans to teach his someday 3 year old to act out durring the program for everyone's entertainment.

Also, glad to be the RS Pres. (At least one sunday a year)