Monday, November 17, 2008

Speaking of my husband . . .

Aloha World! Did you miss me?

I missed me too! I mean, I missed you too!

I had a very nice blog-restful weekend though and if there's one thing I've learned it's that a girl can't blog her life away. And she can't blog her brains out either. At least that's what my husband always says. Not when there are mouths to be fed and bills to be paid and papers to be graded and houses to be batpized by soft scrub.

Speaking of my husband, I asked him if he wouldn't mind performing the baptism by soft scrub on our house since I don't really have the proper power and authority to do it. He looked at me and rolled his eyes and said, "btw, I read your blog and I'd like you to post a retraction to that statement that there must be something wrong with your husband!"
I gulped and said, "YOU read my BLOG? How R.U.D.E! What I say behind your back is private!"

Then he handed me a list of all the movies that make him laugh and said, "PRINT THIS if you wanna live to see your children get to church tomorrow."

He's usually not that forceful, but it was kinda sexy so here's the list:

1. Caddy Shack
2. Ghost Busters
3. Holy Grail
4. Footloose

(He laughed a lot in the 80's.)

But fo' real, you guys know I'm teasing, right? Footloose never made him laugh.

So now I'm calling all people who are acquainted with my husband. Please meet me in my comment box ASAP. And bring your favorite hilarious story about my hubby. I need testimonials that he does have a funny bone and that he might just be the funniest guy on the face of the earth, especially when he plays Taboo or Trivial Pursuit. No one is more hysterical when they say Mary Lou Retna was the first Olympic gold medalist to get lasik surgery.

And I kid you not, I have peed my pants so many times while playing B.S. with him or while watching him sing Wild Thing kareoke-style on cruise ships or lip sync Born to be Wild at family reunions, and especially when he does his impression of The Wiggles singing Fruit Salad--yummy yummy.

I would go so far as to say he might just be the funniest, wildest thing I have ever married.

The only time he doesn't make me laugh is when he uses $$$ and ???? in the same sentence. Talk about horrible grammar, (not to mention mood spoiler)!!!

*Love you, babe! (Now STOP reading my private blog, k sweetie.)

(btw, ftr, and ffr, the fact remains that he did fall asleep during Nacho Libre and he did scowl all the way through The Simpson's Movie. HOWEVER, I concede that that (probably) doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.)

So ANYWAY, to make up for my misuse of blogging power by poking fun of my husband's inappropriate snoozing choices, I ended up baptizing the whole house by soft scrub by myself over the weekend. I even confirmed it. When my husband called from Costco to make sure I wasn't blogging, I told him "YES, I am cleansing! And I am doing a little bit of scrapbooking too, and a teensy weensy bit of tagging, but mostly cleansing, YES!"

(The thing about cleansing though, is it's a lot like blogging . . . and shaving too, come to think of it. Just when you think you're finished, you have to do it all over again.)

Anyway, glad to be back!


Melanie J said...

One time, when we were hanging out, your husband was all, "What's green and hangs from trees?" and I thought he was going to say "bird snot," so I was like, "What?", trying to play along and help him feel like he told a successful joke, and then he was all like, "Leaves," and so I just said, "Huh?"

Or that might have happened if I knew your husband, but I don't, so I'm not sure I'm helping your cause right now.

Kristina P. said...

All I need to know is if your husband can dance like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Yes? Sold.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Melanie. Good try! I think he has told that joke, actually.

Kristina, YES! He can dance like Kevin Bacon, with a twist I just can't describe. You have to see it to believe it. There's nothing to compare it to. But he's quite famous for it. In college they called it the Al Bundy dance. And it's genetic. He passed it on, with exact precision, to one of my sons.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Glad to have you back! It seemed like FOREVER since I saw a new post from you.

Your line about not having the power and authority to baptize your house was freakin' hilarious!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I would much rather discuss house cleaning since I don't know your husband and it is doubtful I ever will (what with your insistence on living on an island, and all) even though I really HATE housecleaning. Actually, I just wanted to add doing dishes and cooking meals to those things that you have to turn around and do again right away. (whimper)

*MARY* said...

Once, I saw your husband trying to carry like 17 bags of groceries into the house at the same time. And instead of helping him I just watched him through the window and laughed as he dropped the milk.
That was pretty funny.
But it may have been my husband.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, I remember a funny story about your husband. I remember when we were all hanging out at a public pool one day and someone threw up in baby ruth, but everyone thought it was...well, you know what. They all went screaming and scampering from the pool. Then your husband picked it up and ate it in front of the horrified crowd. He was so funny that day!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aly, you silly goose. I think you're getting my husband mixed up with Bill Murray. If I was married to Bill Murray, I think he's be ROTFLOL at my jokes, don't you?

Pat said...

I missed you tons, glad you are back.

Jen said...

I thought about your husband once while I was reading one of your posts, and I laughed.

He's obviously a hilarious guy...

Mariko said...

Ugh. I hate house cleansing. That's probably why I never do it. Much like my students hating reading. I'm also terrible at cleaning, just like they are at reading. I prefer friends who are also terrible at cleaning, because then I don't feel bad about having them over to mine. Friends like that are hard to come by.

I don't know your husband, but I'll forgive him for falling asleep during Nacho Libre as long as he laughed during Raising Arizona.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKay...first of all you LIVE in Hawaii...I thought they just layed around and did nothing while the ocean breeze and sun soaked up the rest of the day?

What's the use of living in paradise if you have to clean it? or cleanse it? Or take it through ANY kind of authority?

My ideal is totally construed now...stinks!

So I remember when you where dating your husband...and being your twin and all he mistaked me for you...and he was like, " are the most BEAUTIFUL-try-to-be-funny-like-ROFLOL-funny girl I have ever met...and even though I humor you with your jokes...I would rather do it with you then ANYBODY else...especially your hotter and younger by 3.2 seconds, and much funnier twin...because YOU had me at HELLO, you complete me, and I'll never let go!"

And I just started laughing so hard I was crying and I couldn't get words out because he had totally got his love words off of three different movies...

and he was like, "What? You'd rather I skinny dip to show my love?"

And I just nodded as he ran for the ocean throwing off his wrist bands, muscle shirt, and washed out-hole in the knee skinny jeans...only to have them get stuck on his converse shoes and he went tumbling down head first in the most perfect tuck forward roll I had ever seen...

Then you came up behind me and said, "Who's that?" and I just turned around laughing uncontrollably and thought in my head his name...

Since we are telepathic twins you understood and went running over to help!

He is ONE funny man!

But that was more funny ABOUT him? Not really funny stuff he does...hmmmm...I'll have to get back to you on that!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKay...I totally just re-read my comment and saw I spelled laid like "layed"...Where's my sign?

Funny Farmer said...

I can't share my story because I kinda promised my husband I wouldn't think about or tell stories on other women's husbands, or dream about other women's husbands, or even borrow them for tennis. So... sorry.


It's a sign.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Thank you all for your clever and creative attempts at telling how funny my husband is. I think SHELLE WINS!

But you know what. I'm a little sad, that no one who actually DOES know him chimed in to testify. Does that mean he's really NOT that funny?

But I'm impressed with all those who DON'T know him who rushed to his defense! You guys are da bomb!

Martha said...

Sorry to show up so late. I was busy downloading tons of Christmas songs so I can get in the holiday spirit. I'll turn them up loud tomorrow so you can hear them too.

I do know that husband of yours, but I am not allowed to make him laugh anymore, so I will have to rely on past funny moments.

I think he acts more reserved outside your home, but the funniest thing about that guy has to be his crazy dancing. The last few dances we've had, I even suggested he let loose a little and show off his famous moves. He wouldn't, dang it. He just sat there talking about buying houses, high electric bills, basketball, and the new pres at the college. All those things we not funny in the least. I'm not saying that there's something wrong with him (like you did), but maybe he could try to bring back that funny bone and stop complaining that we will never get new carpet (oh wait that's me and you that complain about the carpet).

Susan said...

Ok, don't know your hubby - just found your blog and laughing already...look forward to keeping tabs on new posts!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Hehehe- I have no stories about Mr.Crash. I bet Ben does ;)

T said...

Does he go by "Mr. Crash" or "Mr. Dummy"?

or does it depend on the day?