Monday, November 24, 2008

Twilight Movie Review (from a dummy who didn't read the book)

OMGosh, I can't believe I'm just about to break my own first commandment on politics, religion and Twlight: Thou shalt never reveal an actual opinion or take a stand. Thou shalt ONLY wallow in words meant to mystify.

Vague, ambiguous, enigmatic puzzles. That's my policy.

But I'm about to become a hypocrite and most likely Kristina P. and Mariko will never read me again. Yet here I go anyway . . .

I saw this movie as a Twilight virgin. (And a prudish virgin at that.)
You could say I took the Annie Valentine Stupid Twilight t-shirt approach.

I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect to expect the unexpected. Youngblood4ever told me I should go with some goofy friends, but I have no goofy friends so I took my goofy husband.

I had only read one single review, which said the movie was like a taco-burp: the humor came up at all the wrong times. I had nothing more to go on since I had never read the book myself. My daughter did though, in one sitting, then thumbed her nose at it and burned it for a school project.

NOW I FINALLY understand why my daughter burned it. In psychology they call it repression. She has not yet embraced her own inner desires to be fully captivated by a smokin' hot holy--not to mention 100% attentive--vampire.

But not me. I embraced that inner desire as soon as Edward said, "Bella, you stink."

(Bring it ON, Bat Boy!)

As long as he's a good/bad little vampire. Or a bad/good little vampire. Either one works for me.

And as long as he says things like, "I feel very protective of you" and "You don't know how long I have waited for you" while he's electrifying me with one eye and terrifying the town bullies with the other eye.

WHEW! That Edward knows how to make eye contact.

SIGH . . .

Okay, so I'm a bit over critical-ish/over analytical-ish by nature. And by nurture. I've been disappointed a time or two so I feign indifference. But underneath it all I'm just a disillusioned hopeful romantic.

I think Edward totally knew that. (DUH, he can read minds. But seriously, why couldn't he read Bella's mind? Every girl in the audience could read Bella's mind.)

I just have a few statements, disguised as questions:

What is more compelling than a tortured vampire who listens to Debussy, plays the piano and has matriculated at least 100 times . . . plus wants to suck your blood so bad he can taste it? (BONUS!) Yet abstains! (Like every good/bad little vampire should.)

And what's not to love about a vampire family who transcends their own nature? (NICE WORK Stephanie Meyer!)

This movie was soooooo West Side Story meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon meets Field of Dreams!

My favorite scene (besides the super hottest kiss on the neck in the history of the world) was the baseball game. Like I always say, vampires who play together, stay together. I'm very certain the Cullen's have a Family Vampire Proclamation framed in the Batmobile. Raise your hand if you think so too.

Overall, I quite liked it. I mean, I quite LOVED it and I want to marry it. Even my goofy husband wants to marry it, so we're good.

I know it's not real or even real-istic or even close to real-ity. But who cares! Reality sucks too! (and bites!)

And you know what? I am so happy I liked it. You don't know how long I've wanted to be part of the Mormon Mommy club.


Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

lol...I haven't read the book but can't wait to see the movie.
Hey- I tagged you on my blog. :)

Kristina P. said...

Oh, how I wish I were still a pure Twiligh virgin.

I will be seeing the movie on Friday. I think that my expectations are so low, they can only go up. Right? Right?

Oh, Twilight.

Pat said...

Glad you liked it. My son is actually reading it right now. Even though I haven't read it yet, I am grateful for the fact that it is giving him an escape from reality. You are right, reality does bite sometimes.
Loved your review. So I was going to hold out to read the book before I saw the movie. I hate it when movies don't live up to books. Where the Red Fern Grows comes to mind.

SWIRL said...

I actually read the book and saw the movie.

I sat through the movie and really liked it... but wondered... if you hadn't read the book .. would you like it? Because it seemed kinda awkward at times.... but since I knew what was going on ... ...

I thought the book okay- read it quickly { okay were you annoyed at how UNCOORDINATED Bella was in the book? I'm glad movie Bella could walk in a straight line without stumbling every few seconds}- but wasn't motivated to read the other books... but NOW having seen the movie.. I do want to read the others. Strange no?

Anjeny said..., wow, wow! So like you, I didn't read the book but I saw it on Saturday night. I loved it, want to do a review but I can't quite word it like you did so I'll just stick with ur review.
I was going to wait til I read the book before watching the movies but
my girls talked me into going to watch it on Saturday night..since they both were paying for their own way, I had no objection to it.
To tell you the truth tho, I couldn't for the life of me understand what was the big deal about the Twilight book, all these Mormon Mommies were all hyped about it and all. I thought it was a contradiction for Mormons to get all hyped about vampires, ok so I love Harry Potter, witches and all but not that much into vampires, you know. But now that I've seen the movie, and yes, Edward is sooo HOT, ahah, I'm gonna read all the books this week, yep, I'll exile myself to my laundry room(yuck) to do laundry and read all the Twilight series.
Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE your review!!!!!!!!!!!! How's that for a conviction, eh?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Em, I better go check your blog ASAP! My first tag.

Kristina P. You can repent and be purified again. I think you will have a cleansing experience this Friday when you see the movie.

Pat and Swirl, I'm thinking the movie might be better than the book. I'd love to know if I'm right since I don't know what I'm talking about. Pat, don't wait!

Or do! I don't know.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Wow Anjeny, that is conviction. I now wish I had added an AMEN to the end of my review.

Thanks for the great idea about the Laundry room. I guess when you have 7 kids you find your privacy where you can. I was like you, NOT into vampires.

But into Edward! YES!

No one can make a good guy out of a creepy guy like Mormon authors!!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

You should have been worried that I'd never read you again because anytime anyone even says the word twilight, I gag a little.

I'll forgive you though since you also happened to be funny in your glowing (ok, I'm going to barf) review.

Melanie J said...

I feel like a pinata being swung between wanting to go and refusing to go. I might have just swung back to wanting to go. Hm.

I am LoW said...

Crash- I've tagged you twice. Just sayin.

I read the books (but only once, not tons of times like most fans)and liked it. She is a good story teller. Not the best writer but that's totally okay. Odd that Twilight is THE book to get people into reading, but that's cool too.

In the book I really liked Jacob. However, in the movie- it was all about Edward for all the same reasons you mentioned. They casted him well.

My sons saw the movie with me and they never read the book, they just wanted to see some werewolfe/vampire fight. They liked it too.

And now I think I shall see it another time. :) And maybe another, if the occasion arises. :)

Melissa Bastow said...

It's good to know that Twilight virgins can still appreciate the hotness of Edward. (He is much hotter in the book...or my mind....or my mind while I read the book...or whatever, I would totally let him suck my soon as I get done James the amazing abs vampire extraordinaire.)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay Lo, let's go see the movie together, cause I wouldn't mind seeing it again as I'm in my escape from reality mode.

How the heck have you tagged me twice? Am I that dim-witted?

So, Alyson, what say you about SPAMALOT! If you gagged a little I will forgive you a little.

Melanie, GO! GO, girl!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Melissa, WOW, he must be very extremely HOT. Were you disappointed in the movie Edward?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Funny Farmer said...

Wow - I'm surprised. I thought you would hate it. Hm. I'm seeing it on Wednesday (well, if I can get tickets, that is. Stupid coy theatre STILL doesn't have Wednesday tickets on sale!).

My most favorite thing about the whole story is the vampires that transcend their base natures. That is an awesome twist on the typical vampire fare.

Oh, and the reason Edward can't read her mind isn't revealed until the FOURTH book. And I'm not tellin'. Nyeah!

Mariko said...

Whitney Williams told me to read the 1st two chapters of the fourth book only, basically to skip the anguish and get right to the consummation.
Surprisingly, this is what makes me think I should definitely not read it at all.
Anyway, I would never stop reading your blog, unless you wrote such a book. I will probably have to read this book and watch the movie, just so I can be a part of society, because that is what I always tell my students when they tell me they don't want to read my books.

Heidi Ashworth said...

From what I have heard from those who have done both (gone virgin and, er, not) the movie is better for those who haven't read the book and don't have expectations. There is a lot to love in the themes of this story--and the way Steph writes, it sucks you in whether you want to be, um, inhaled, or not. However, that is a big reason the book is better than the movie. In your case, you had no preconceived ideas of what Edward was like--nothing beats the imagination for that kind of thing. But, I'm glad you liked it--maybe I'll see it after all.

I am LoW said...

I am really into excaping reality too. I am in.

I really have tagged you twice. Probably, like me, when you see a tag you stop reading right there.


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Funny Farmer I can't believe you didn't see it yet. I thought for sure . . .

But I agree with you about the whole transcendence thing.

And Mariko, that's exactly how I felt. I need to read and watch this just to be part of society. Sometimes we have to tear ourselves away from Shakespeare and Huck Finn. ;)

I guess if I wrote a book like this I would lose a friend, but gain a million dollars. hmmmm

I better go read the 4th book.

I am LoW said...

Excape or escape- either way, that's what I wanna do. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Heidi, speaking of books. I bought your book from Amazon on Saturday. Can't wait till the movie comes out!!!

And Lo, yep. I actually hate tags. And don't ever read them. Bad blogger. I do like books though so I'll probably do Emily's tag.

I wish there was an Elf yourself. HEY, I JUST HAD and IDEA! I'm going to create an ELF YOURSELF TAG! You guys are going to love this tag!

Hey, everyone go vote for my ovaltine story today on Blokthoughts. I'm so losing over there and my self esteem is plummeting.

Susan said...

Going over to vote at Shelle's... and've been tagged only if you wanna play!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Spamalot was FABULOUS! I definitely loved it the most in the group I was in. Anyway, I'm hoping I'll find some time this week to write all about NYC.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...if I would have known...completely without a doubt that you hadn't read the BOOKS i don't know if I would've talked with you...

Because I was completely obsessed!!!

Okay I would've talked to you but then behind your back I would've totally rolled my eyes that you hadn't read the books yet!

But I'm glad you admit to understanding now the obsession! LoL!

Only to be honest...of course, the books were so much better and I imagined it alot different. I did this to myself with Harry Potter also.

My husband...who hadn't read the books also...and that I had to shun because of it...saw the movie with me so that I would speak with him again...and he LOVED the movie also.

SO I kinda wish I wouldn't have read the books until I saw the movie.

That is not to say I didn't LIKE the's just that I didn't LOVE the movie.

But you are right...that kiss on the neck, can we say, "Butterflies in the stomach?"


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I said ALSO quite a bit in that last comment


Word Verifier:

That is antartican for it saying my comments have becoming boring?

So sad

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Susan, thank you so much for the vote, especially since YOU totally should have won the whole month. Yours was hilarious.

Alyson, I'm so glad you liked SPAMALOT! Whew! Can't wait to see your NYC post. Maybe I'll post back after yours.

Shelle!!!! I'm so happy to see you. I've missed you so much. And see why I try to stay vague and ambiguous and ambidextrous! Wouldn't want to lose friends over Twilight!

So glad your husband loved it. I'm going to read the books now (since I'm not longer a Twilight virgin anyway. May as well indulge myself.)

And even IF your comments were ever boring I they still wouldn't be boring . . . you know what I mean!

Sandi said...

Your review ALMOST makes me want to go see it - but not quite. I am trying to earn the title of "the only female in America who didn't see Twilight".
Glad you and your goofy hubby liked it though!

Jen said...

Well, I liked it. But I didn't love it.

Can we still be friends? I DID think Edward was hot, so that should count for something, right?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, I hope you win that title! But it will come at a high price. Worth it if you get to be in the book of world records though.

Jen, are you saying you DIDN'T want to marry it? Bah humbug. But at least you liked it and I guess we can still be friends. I think I'm the only one who LOVED it so far!

What a crazy world!

Wendyburd1 said...

Crash yay! you are just like me! I LOVED it and haven't done the books yet!! I want to see it again and again! I LOVED the baseball scene, I was so mad it was broken up because of the baddies!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YAY Wendy! I'll go see it again and again with you.

Youngblood4ever said...

I died laughing through this whole post. I would love to watch this movie with you. So, in my far away wishland where I actually get to travel to Hawaii for a nice long visit with you and your fantabulous family (and get to check out the beaches of course) I am going to bring my copy of Twilight (the Book) and Twilight (the movie) which will obviously be out by then because my wishland is VERY far away! We will read and watch and swoon over hunky Edward. I am totally a hopeless romantic!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, let's do it Youngblood, cause I am a totally HOPEFUL romantic.