Friday, October 31, 2008
Funniest story finalists:
JEN--1st place and $50 cash gas money, compliments of Katie Holms Cruz.
SHELLE--almost 1st place and a Seriously, So Blessed T-shirt, compliments of TAMN, plus A Fanciful Twist print, compliments of Vanessa.
ANNIE--3rd place and A Fanciful Twist print, compliments of Vanessa.
MARIKO-4th place and her choice of a Stupid Vampire T-Shirt, compliments of Annie
Scariest Story finalists:
ELIZABETH--1st place and a blog make-over, compliments of See my Designs by Shauna
ALYSON--almost 1st place and an original work of art by Emily, compliments of Sewl.
LISA/FUNNY FARMER--almost 2nd place and a photo shoot, compliments of Plush Moments photography.
BINKS--4th place and a print from A Fanciful Twist, compliments of Vanessa
Funniest Special Award:
LAURA--1st place and a Seriously So Blessed T-Shirt, compliments of TAMN
Scariest Special Award:
WENDY--1st place and a group of beautiful notecards with original Audrey Eclectic art, compliments of Heather
Click here to look at the prizes.
3.) I said STOP SCROLLING DOWN! I'm talking here!
5.) Okay, Okay! Now you can scroll down!
But seriously, the finalists were paper-thin close so we have decided to post the top FOUR funnies and spookies.
(I just feel bad this whole thing was just a Halloween prank because so many people took it seriously. Good job anyway, guys. ;)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Gosh, settle down folks. I can feel the anticipation just brewing and stewing in the air over the contest results. Fret not! Simon and Paula and Randy are on it!
Actually, it was way too hard for one crash test dummy and one art dummy to handle, so we contracted the judging out to some PRO-fessionals. YES, your stories are being read at this very moment by 6 very creative and competent PRO-fessors of words! We take our judging seriously at crash-n-sew and I too am as anxious to find out the results as you are. They will be posted pronto Manana morning. (Is that how you spell manana? I don't have a spanish speaking keyboard).
Hey, good news!! The old boat guy is going to adopt me-n-sewl because neither one of us have any grandpas left. That means that my BBFF, Lisa is now Auntie BBFF because she's the old boat guy's off spring! (OMGosh, I know!)
I'm excited about the old boat guy adoption because I really miss my grandpa's and I sorta miss my dad too.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
And as for Markio, now she's trying to get me to give suggestions for her new foodporn website (Eww) and I already told her about my stance on nude potato chips. But because I want my daughter to get an A in her class I've compiled a little list of ideas for possible topics: The-Food-Cab, The-Food-Whisperer, CFI, This-Old-Food, America's-Funniest-Food-Videos, Family-Food, Dancing-with-the-Food, Up-Chuck, Up-Chuck-a-Rama, The-Deadliest-Food, Kung-Food-Chaos. The-People's-Food-Court, Crash-Test-Diet-Food-For-Dummies.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
ANYWAY, here's a cute holy haunted story. Last night our whole neighborhood went on a haunted hike for family night. Our adventurous, party planning neighbors set up the whole thing, and even spent 3 weeks blazing the trail through the jungles behind our house. At first we were all a little jumpy, especially when their dog came bounding out of the trees and pounced on us in a Dracula mask. (I bet they set that up.) But after a while it got almost sweet, especially when all the kids started singing If the Savior Stood Beside Me at the top of their lungs. (Now that is one of the many reasons I love the primary program so much!)
So, let me go ahead and rephrase that:
Raise your hand if you think blogging is like Relief Society?
Blogging really is like Relief Society because the more people you give a calling to, the more people feel obligated to come to your blog on Sundays.
Am I right? Or am I right?
As sisters we prayerfully decide who we will give the Kick-A$$ blogger award to, (which is equal to the Sunday Greeter) and who we will give the Comment Whore award to, (which is equal to the 3rd Sunday teacher) and who we will give the BFF Gold Card to (which is the R.S. President).
(btw, sisters, have you completed your tagging this month? There's less than a week left. Remember the message is 6 Kreativ things about yourself.)
All of this is to make everyone feel welcome and included , but really it boils down to numbers (or hits, if you're smoking pakalolo). Let's be real.
What we really want is to get our percentages up.
And we're all trying to be just like the Stake Relief Society President (TAMN). And secretly we hope someday we might make eye contact with the General Relief Society President (Ree, the Pioneer Woman) so we can ask her what it was like going through Devil's Pass with the Martin Willy Handcart company and if the devil really lives there.
If you don't mind, could I make a quick announcement before the practice hymn?
1. Being crazy ladies. Looney tunes. Coo coo for Coco Puffs. Nutty Buddies, getting through our days from pack meeting to pack meeting one Xanax at a time. Riding the Hamster Wheel until they come to take us away to the Funny Farm.
It's just not true. We're all just bored silly.
2.) Being completely satisfied with our . . . well . . . for lack of a better word . . . fortune cookies. And some of us even pretend that our fortune cookies are oh so hot and spicey.
And that's just not true either. Come on girls. We're bored silly and we have no desire to get jiggy with it. (And to the first person who tries to defend themselves in the comment box I say, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard.)
Personally I think those who talk about it don't do it and those who don't talk about it . . . don't do it either.
Monday, October 27, 2008
But it's seasonal. Every addiction is seasonal here in Hawaii. I know the rest of the world thinks we don't have seasons, but we actually do. There's pog season, rollerblading season, rip-stick season and Runescape season. Right now it's that time of year when I start making soup and stuffing my face with plastic pumpkin loads of candy and my boys start getting up at 5:30 a.m. to play Runescape.
My husband took one of my boys fishing a few weeks ago and my boy said, "fishing is addicting!"
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Pat, my mouthy follower pointed out that my ghost story was not within the 500 word count rule. I wouldn't bother to acknowledge this issue but I hate being called a cheater. I know cheaters never prosper and I'm all about prosperity. Therefore, Pat, I will dignify your accusation with a response.
1. Let me direct your attention to my subtitle, which will soon be written in a different font because script is too sophisticated for a CTD, if you ask me. My subtitle says it all. I never claimed to be a good example. I only claim to be a horrible warning. Anyone who is paying attention will see that sometimes I tell you what to do and sometimes I show you what not to do. Pay attention Pat!!
2. I subscribe to the Joseph Smith notion of teaching and governing. I like to teach correct principals, and then govern myself.
3. Also, as a strong member of the COJCOLDS (hey, that spells coj colds--weird) I strive to meet the modern day COJCOLDS standard of do as I say and not as I do. Any faithful member of the COJCOLDS knows that.
4. And lastly, I could care less if you go over the 500 word limit.
(And OMGOSH, did you guys read Sewl's spookylicious story? (which was also longer than 500 words) Holy Ghostmobile! Screw the word limit! It was freakin' freaky.
I feel like I need to apologize for all my stinkin' typos over the past 24 hours. I'm a total dork when I'm drunk. Plus, I'm a bit jumpy with all these contentious bugs in my house. This morning I awoke with a centipede bite on my arm. (I KNOW!)
But today I discovered their hidden, secret, underground, evil, compound where they gather for their seances and their orgies and where they go to the bathroom. Under my dishwasher!! EEEEWW!
Which leads me to some good news. The number one benefit of renting rather than owning, besides the no-committment clause, is the FREE appliances. Today we got a new fridge and a new dishwasher. I feel so CLEAN!!! (And yet so DIRTY, you know what I mean? Now I want a new stove and a new microwave and a new blender. Plus a new evil bug compound.)
And more good news. Our censorship police here on campus have reshuffled our edited T.V. stations and now we have Nickelodeon! NICK JR Rocks! But why is Sponge Bob's grandma a chocolate chip cookie? That makes no sense. Do you think it was inter-objectial marriage?
And even more good news. I treated myself to a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwhich at the Hukilau Cafe today. (Cafe's in Hawaii are so cute. They put a floor mat at the front door to protect the floor and then they spread a big piece of cardboard over the top to protect the floor mat. So Kreativ!)
I also treated myself to a Mountain Dew--this time I tried the Super Nova. Not even close to the Code Red! It actually doesn't even taste like Mountain Dew, so what's the point?
Well, TTFN! (ta ta for now) (I like quoting Jami quote tigger.)
But can I just say one more thing about Pat? Did you know she lives her life in a Hamster Wheel? No wonder she can't get organized and find her library books on time. Two words, girlfriend: Buyer's market!
P.S. GUESS WHAT? I think I might be getting famous because I got this phone call from Washington D.C. today. Guess who it was . . . guess, guess, guess! Payless Shoe Source! They just wanted to let me know personally about their BOGO sale going on. How thoughtful is that? I wonder how they got MY number?
P.S.S. Can I clear the air about something real quick? I appreciate all of you who keep jamming up my email inbox saying, Crash, I love you. I adore you. You make me feel so inadequate to comment. It's flattering. There's nothing I want more than to make people feel inadequate, but maybe you don't understand the purpose of a comment box. It's not for you to be witty and clever. That's my job and this is MY show. If you love me, please don't tell me tin a private place where no one else can read it. I like PDA better. (public display of affection)
TTFN FR (fo' real)
Too bad we can't magically transform our personalities like we can magically transform our blogs. (Psst. come ere . . . do you want to hear a secret . . . I thought going under the blog knife would make me feel better about myself, but actually I'm already sick of staring at myself all day and saying "girlfriend, you are so HOT" cause underneath it all I'm still the same introverted, withdrawn girl who can't get anyone in Provo to pay attention to me.)
You know what else is annoying? LLCs (long lost cousins) who try to steal the lime light. I over heard Sewl in her comment box, telling Alison from NEL, that she's going to post a super spooky true ghost story soon. I don't know Sewl that well because we just reunited after 25 years, but do you think she's trying to get you guys to write her name in on the ghost story ballot so she can win this contest? (I bet she wants the LOLOMGWTFLDSBBQ T-shirt from Tamn.)
And you know what else is annoying? Mouthy lurkers. At first glance it seems oxymoronic, but really, it's just moronic. If someone claims to be a lurker then why do they all the sudden start spilling their guts in an organized fashion all over your comment box? In the first place, if you're going to spill your guts, why do it in an organized fashion with your guts all listed in numerical order?
I say that any hoity toity smarty pants English teacher lurking in numerical order should be sentenced to help me and Sewl judge our Spook-a-Rama contest?
Do I hear an aye? Or a here-here!?
Oh wait, but then she couldn't enter and then I couldn't stamp a big red REJECTED on her ghost story.
I'm not a competitive person by nature, but do you want to hear something spooky? (And if you decide to write my name in and vote for me on the contest ballot just keep it on the DL).
This Spook-A-Rama is really starting to spook me out.
Anyway, you'll never believe what happened to me a few nights ago! And I know you don't trust me, and I don't blame you because I do like to mess with your mind, but every single part of this story is exactly true, except I'm going to add an ambulance, but that's all.
Go turn all the lights on in the house and make some popcorn before you read this.
Go ahead, I'll wait for you.
Oh, and will you bring me some popcorn too?
It was a dark and stormy night . . .
Screeetch! First rule of telling spooky stories: never never never begin by saying it was a dark and stormy night (or, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, or beam me up Scotty).
I've often wondered if evil spirits ever get desperate and try to squeeze themselves into lower life forms like bugs. And if they do, is it possible to exorcise an evil bug?
Well, a few nights ago I found out that even in the bug world evil just breeds evil if you don't exorcise it right away (aka, stamp it out by stamping on it).
It all started with a frantic knock at my front door. Picture this:
An old friend is standing on my front porch in her nightie with her garments hanging well below the hemline. She's not really standing there, she's more like wincing frantically there. Her teenage daughter is beside her with wild eyes and a cell phone. My scantily clad, old, frantically wincing friend is clutching. Clutching tightly. Clutching tightly to her left ear. Or maybe it was her right ear. It depends on which way you're looking at her.
(Here's a tip for your ghost stories. When you want to build up the tension at the climax of your story, use short. choppy. sentences.)
They ask if my husband is home because he is a P.A. which means if anyone wants free medical advice or treatment or scout physical forms signed, they come to him.
I tell them no and begin to shut the door when suddenly the daughter bursts into tears.
"Let's just go to the emergency room!" she says.
I could tell they wanted me to ask what was wrong, but being the firm respector of privacy that I am, I didn't. Besides Dancing with the Stars was on.
"A bug flew in my ear!" shouted my scantily clad, old, frantically wincing friend. "Do you think it will start burrowing into my brain?" (Mary look away for this part. Oops, I meant that last part.)
I immediately led her into my house where I proceeded to perform an emergency bugendectamy to her left/right ear. All the while her daughter is yelling "Let's just go to the emergency room!"
Despite her daughter's lack of faith in my abilities to deal diplomatically with lower life forms (I'm a former bug whisperer) I was successful in whispering the lodged bug out of her ear.
It was a roach! And it could fly. And it flew down my hallway and banged into my doorbell and then did a few loops until it landed on my husband's Work and the Glory Series
Suddenly! (Suddenly is a good way to begin a sentence if you need a startling effect. It's even more startling with an exclamation point!
Suddenly! I heard footsteps racing down my front walk. Heavy footsteps. And heavy breathing! (heavy footsteps and heavy breathing are the spookiest kind of footsteps and breathing--I learned that from Scooby Doo.) It was a man. It was my scantily clad, old, but no longer frantically wincing friend's bishop.
I laughed. "Why is your bishop here?" I asked, and then I laughed some more.
The daughter was not laughing. She was not even smiling pleasantly or relievedly when she said, "I called him."
(If you think about it, it's kind of cute that a bishop would come racing to my house to rescue a member of his ward in her nightie with a roach in her ear. Maybe he was going to bless that roach right out of that ear, but I had already done it without any priesthood power at all.)
Suddenly! A car came speeding and squealing around the corner and zoomed to a screeching halt in front of my driveway. A man darted out of the front seat and rushed recklessly towards us, his eyes wide with alarm.
I laughed again! It was her husband. He had dropped everything and pushed his kids out of the car as he zoomed past their house on his way to mine. I laughed and laughed. Was this for real?
"Did you call the ambulance too?" I said. And then I heard the sirens. Sure enough . . . I laughed again. (That was the part I made up.)
When my friend and her daughter and her bishop and her husband finally removed themselves from my front porch, I waved and said, "Hey, thanks for leaving your crazy cockroach at my house. It'll will probably burrow into my brain now."
You probably think that's what happened, huh? I can see you trying to jump the gun on the punch line right now.
PSYCH! That was called foreshadowing. I'm planting a clue to make the punch line more believable. Stay with me.
You know how it just takes one contentious person to stir a whole pot of people up to anger and discontent? I think it's the same way with bugs. I think this crazy ear roach brought out all the dormant dissatisfaction in the other bugs at my house. Within a few hours they all seemed completely disgruntled.
Around 10 pm my daughter and I saw movement near my husband's Work and the Glory. Around 10:01 that movement materialized and magnified until it was swooping down around us and whizzing right past my ear. TWICE! People, I am not lying. I wish I had never told a single lie on this blog so my credibility would not be shot-to-he@@. But I know that cockroach was trying to get into my ear too. Maybe he is a people whisperer. Maybe he had something he needed to tell me! But what? Don't go through with the contest? Stop putting the roach baits under the stove? Your fly is down? (Not talking about my zipper, people. Talking about my manic depressive fly.)
My daughter then took a shower. I heard screaming. I made my way. to where she was. dripping. and drying. and crying (no, not crying, but it rhymed nicely). A filthy dirty old cockroach (with a gray beard) had landed on the shower curtain rod and looked upon her inappropriately as she was cleansing herself.
Later than night I went to the ladies room. As I reached for the toilet paper roll . . . AAAACK! There was a big hairy cane spider staring me down. His creepy eyes met mine and I swear he winked at me before I shrieked and knocked the ethernet cable out of the wall. (This really did happen, but not this week.)
The next morning another cockroach landed on my daughter's cereal bowl, my son woke up with a gigantic swollen bed bug bite on his eye, my husband sustained 25 mosquito bites and my dog had fleas. (I don't have a dog, but if I did, I'm positive he would have had fleas).
A house of possessed bugs is managable, for the most part. But what really got me thinking that something not-of-this-world was at work was when I was driving my son to soccer practice tonight. A jet black cat jetted right across the road in front of me. (This is true.) It happened so fast I almost missed it. It made me swerve and catch my breath.
If a black cat crosses your path, it's bad luck, but what would happen if you smooshed the living daylight/nightlight out of him? Flattened him like a pancake? Would that be super-duper-double-looper good luck because you killed the bad luck. Or would that be super-duper-double-looper bad luck, because you released his little black spirit into the universe?
Who was that little black spirit anyway? And what does he want from me?
Was it fate . . . tempting me. . . to temp fate?
Something to think about.
btw, you know what's really cute about Jami, besides the fact that her blog address spells super misc? She still says TTFN (ta ta for now) How cute is that? Doesn't she know that's old school? No one watches Winnie the Pooh anymore.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Then the RULES! The dull, constricting RULES!
We got so many delightful donations from incredibly talented women that Sewl said I probably didn't need to give any of my poems away or bake any YUMMY cupcakes.
I don't really feel bad (anymore), cause LOOK at all these AWESOME prizes.
Click on the photos to link directly to these talented-women-websites.
Plush Moments Photography: Shelle over at Blokthoughts is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. You could be the lucky winner of 1 family photo session-1 hour, which includes a DVD or CD and all rights to your photos, plus 20 edits of Shelle's shots. (Shelle lives in Utah, but she won't travel to Provo unless you are one of my followers and you write a letter to my husband telling him I rock your world.)
Seriously, So Blessed: TAMNERS will give you 60 seconds in her e-store to load your cart with anything you want. Just say BOO when you go to check out and Tamn will pay for one of your t-shirts, (plus a pedi and a Diet Coke). Just kidding, no pedi. Or Diet Coke.
Audrey Eclectic: Audrey is Eclectic AND authentic. You could win a group of beautiful note cards that have prints on them of her artwork. (Don't send them, just frame them) Go inhale Audrey Eclectic's vibe RIGHT NOW!
A Fanciful Twist: Vanessa at A Fanciful Twist is fanciful AND whimsical. She's giving 3 surprise canvas prints from her shop. Go breath in her vibe RIGHT NOW! (after you breath in Audrey's vibe.
Stupid Vampire T-Shirts: Lovely, but lonely Annie Valentine is trying to earn money to go see her super-hot secret agent husband so she made these stupid vampire t-shirts. (Not calling the shirts stupid, just saying.) Go check out her site for all the hilarious designs, then buy one for all your young women so they can wear them to the premier.
This cash cannot be used for anything but gas! If we find out you have used it for anything other than gas . . . well, let's just say we know some of Brigham Young's ghost wives.
- Two Catagories: Fiction and funny or non-fiction and spooky--photos are fine
- More than one entry per person is only acceptable if you continue to feed your children
- Contest will run from Oct 23-29th (midnight)
- Email entries to firstname.lastname@example.org
- Leave a comment on either Crash or Sewl's blog with the link to your ghost-post. If you're shy and don't want to publish the post, just leave a compliment in both of our boxes so we can play favorites with your entry.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Nope, didn't lose 10 lbs. Nope, didn't get a perm.
That's right. While you were sleeping I went under the knife and woke up with a blog make-over. Here's my surgeon's number.
Now look at me! I'm all pre-professional. My husband says if I can touch more than 40 people with my writing (cause that's how many students I have) I can quit teaching and go professional. (Well, first he said I had to touch 40 people, but now he says I have to touch 40 people from PROVO! I think he just wants me to keep teaching forever because he knows I hate research papers more than I hate tatortot casserole. He says it builds character to do things you hate. )
I know G.A. Holland says it's a slippery slope to start altering your exterior--and believe me it is, I can't stop logging in and looking at myself--but he never said anything about blogstic surgery, and I believe it's way better than silicone. I personally wouldn't do silicone because Crash Test Dummies and silicone . . . Impact! Hazardous! You get my drift.
So look out below for my real post!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Are there any other teachers in here? Cause if so, please raise your hand now!
For all I know my kindergarten teacher's probably reading this too (unless she's dead, god rest her soul--notice I used a lower case letter g so as not to be blasphemous).
Can't a CTD just have a little breathing room to stretch out and not worry about her grammar and usage and what she's going to say at the next parent/teacher conference?
So my daughter's English teacher is this super smarty-pants-cosmopolitany-hoity toity writery-type. When she was a little snot-nosed college student she was all famous on campus--always somewhere reading her mind-blowing works of genius and accepting awards and such. And then she was the editor of the college literary magazine, which was elitist, if you ask me (you know how these writer types are.) Anyway, long story short, I didn't appreciate the huge red REJECTED stamp across my submission, MARIKO!
That's all I'm going to say about that.
Okay so I just got off a conference call with my long lost cousin, Emily--aka Sewl, or Cewl Sewl, as I called her when she was a kid. We are ironing out the details of our upcoming Spook-a-Rama Super Scary Hairy Ghosty story contest.
Here's how it went.
Although I know I could win this contest (unless Mariko were judging it) if nothing else, I'm a rule abider, so I agreed to bow out gracefully.
And one of her adorable hand-sewl'd cupcakes (sewl).
So then she said, what can you donate Crash? I said, maybe I can write an original poem or maybe sign over the copyright to a poem of their choice. And then the phone just got drop-dead quiet. She finally said, anything else? I thought for a minute and said, maybe I could donate some REAL cupcakes that you actually have to BAKE in an OVEN, that actually TASTE YUMMY when you put them in your mouth. I didn't even mean that in a rude way. I honestly was trying to think of something I could contribute. But she hung up on me. Well, first she said, Call me back when you grow up Crash.
Where was I?
. . . And last, but not least, I would pick my long lost cousin, Emily at Art-n-Sewl (what does sewl mean anyway? Is it some kind of secret crafty code word that only crafters know about?) (And don't you think she should call her blog Art-n-Sewl and Everything Cool but spell it Cewl?)
Anyway, I say long lost cousin because we were seperated at birth by our semi-evil relatives and told ghastly family secrets about each other. (Actually we were seperated when I was 14 after she moved to England, but we really were told ghastly family secrets about each other. )
(And pssst, can you keep a secret? To celebrate our cyber-space reunion, we are joining forces and having a big Crash-n-Sewl Spook-a-Rama. It will be a hair-raising ghost story contest, so if you've ever been haunted (or choked by an evil spirit like I have) start putting pen to paper, or addressing your keyboards, as my CWT would say.)
Stay tuned--all the details will be posted on Thursday.