This post is about an author who had to cut the vampire scenes from her latest novel, Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind because Stephanie Meyer beat her to the punch.
Our condolences, Miss Heidi. (I hope she doesn't mind if we call her Miss Heidi rather than Mrs. Ashworth. Don't you think she'll be able to pick up more guys that way?)
I am in the midst of reading Miss Heidi's lovely vampire-free novel and I'm completely charmed.
Seriously, it's a charming, lovely, vampire-free book. For those of you who are ready to cross 0ver to regular people romances, this is your bridge.
I was immediately sucked in (no pun intended) by the sassy heroine and subdued hero. Will Miss Delacourt be able to sass some spark into Sir Anthony? I can't wait to find out. (I just hope there is plenty of sassy subdued kissing.)
I'm so proud of Miss Heidi. I want to give Miss Heidi a high five. I want to get Miss Heidi's autograph. In fact, I want to be Miss Heidi. Her command of the English vocabulary is outrageous and adorable all at the same time. I'm simply green with envy.
If I saw her right now, this is how I would look:
Except I wouldn't be wearing my white silk Chinese shirt, I'd be wearing my black Pittsburg Steelers pajama pants.
This is me in awe (and in Fiji) as I interview and get the autograph of my favorite Pacific Island writer, Epeli Hau'ofa. (Read Tales of a Tikong if you want a meaningful laugh.)
Then read Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind, if you want a fresh, feel-good laugh.
I was fortunate enough to get an interview with Miss Heidi too. Well, it's not actually an interview . . . more a test to see if she knows the right answers.
Let's see how she does:
Now that you're famous, do you mind if we call you
Miss Heidi instead of Mrs. Ashworth? (because you can pick up more guys that way.)
As picking up guys has always been my major goal in life, an emphatic YES! But really, yes. No, wait, my husband might read this so. . . yes. (Sorry, I just can't stop saying yes.)
OOPS! WRONG ANSWER! You are a happily married woman.
2. WOW! What vocabulary school did you go to? (Did I already say WOW?)
Sadly, knowing too many words has long been a reason to shun me. My father was a high school English teacher and I had older sisters and a mom who were big readers (funny thing, books; they have lots of words in them and after awhile, you just start picking them up. . .). One of my sisters went around saying things like "if needs must" and "when the devil drives," pretty much constantly. I blame Georgette (Heyer). She is an author whose novels, clearly influenced by Jane Austen and Baroness Orczy (The Scarlet Pimpernel), attracted many imitators and as a result, the traditional regency romance book genre was born (of which I have read roughly 400). In fact, the first book I tried to read, after Jemima Puddleduck at age three, was A Talisman Ring by Georgette. I believe I was four. (That doesn't make me a bookish nerd, does it?)
OUCH! Wrong answer again! Yikes. You are a bookish nerd who doesn't even realize books talk too much.
3. Did you ever consider having Sir Anthony turn into a stinkin' hot vampire?
When one thinks of it, (and one does, now that you've mentioned it) Ginny Delacourt and Buffy the Vampire Slayer have a lot in common. They are both witty, a bit self-righteous and not afraid to say what's on their mind. I suppose that makes Ginny the perfect girl for Sir Anthony, whose penchant for expensive clothes, glib tongue and willingness to do just about anything for the woman he loves is highly reminiscent of Buffy's fave beau, Spike (er, that is, before he burst into flames to save her and the people she loved.) (And might I just add, Edward who?)
OUCHIE! Edward who??? Wrong again.
4. Did you ever consider toilet papering the publishing houses of all the editors that rejected you? If so, do you need help?
I love this question because it gives me the chance to brag, er, say that Miss D was only rejected once. Well, there was that other time but the editor who rejected it was only head of her own publishing house for about a day so I don't count "it". (Yet, it is her house I would most love to festoon with heavily hosed-down toilet paper. I appreciate the offer to help so call me!) I did have another book that was rejected only once (after that, it stayed in a box) and various little articles and so forth but not enough to really get riled about. This, however, is because I haven't done as much submitting as I could have. But, really, the less the better and this is why; knowing your market and to whom to send your work is imperative. It takes a lot of effort and a huge amount of brainery (there's that large vocabulary coming into play again) which is why I dedicate my book to, quote, "especially Shirley," who did the hard part for me. Except for writing the book. Let me make it clear that I was the one who wrote it. Yes. Honestly. (Would I lie to you?)
WRONG! Sue wrote it. And every good book was rejected at least 99 times. And toilet papering is wrong, wrong, wrong!
5. Which one of your blogging friends would you choose to donate your royalties to?
It would have to be someone I truly despise since the royalties aren't likely to be much. So, in light of the hatefulness of it, I decline to answer.
You can't say I didn't give you every opportunity to answer this one correctly.
6. How many kissing scenes can we expect to encounter?
You mean, you haven't gotten to that part yet?! Okay, I admit, there's more than one kissing scene, but the bulk of it is implied. These are old fashioned people, you understand. They don't do their kissing in the middle of a novel for the whole world to read. They have their priciples. They wait until you close the book for a while and then they sneak out to the wood shed. ("I saw something nasty in the woodshed." Whomever gets that reference and puts the correct answer in my comment box or Crash's gets an extra entry in the book giveaway contest.) Just kidding! There is no sneaking around in this book (wait! yes there is, but it isn't what you think). This book is very clean, which is not to say it is utterly without romance or a bit of steam here and there. To quote one reveiwer, "When he jerks her into his arms and she gasps in protest, only to find herself melting into him, I admit I put the book down to go and get a cold glass of water." Mission accomplished (as there is a huge deficit of water drinking in this world and I am nothing if not a philanthropist. One with a large vocabulary.)
I thought you said your life mission was to pick up guys? You are a paradox, full of contradictions.
(Here's a Heidi joke: How do you keep a philanthropist with a large vocabulary from drinking all your cold water?
Just give her your cold beer.) hee hee hee snicker snicker.
(You have to read this post to get this joke.)
Don't you think Miss Heidi should throw in another free book to the give-away for failing this test. If she refuses I'm going to spread it around that she's as boring as the old boat guy!
Good thing I love the old boat guy. And I love Miss Heidi. And I love cold water and hot kissing and outrageous vocabulary.
Everyone please go support our newest budding star and friend.Buy Miss Delacourt speaks her mind.
You don't even have to read it. Just buy it. Do it. I double dog dare you.