Sunday, October 12, 2008

Let's talk about my secret admirer . . .

You are gathered here today because you thought I was going to spill my guts about the time my creative writing teacher scarred me for life by telling me that insiders can't write honestly about insiders, right? You want to hear all the nitty gritty's about how it's his fault I took up lying in the first place.

I promise I WILL spill my guts unto you. You have my word. But wouldn't it be in poor taste to talk about lying and Mormons in the same breath on the Sabbath?

So let's talk about my secret admirer instead.

Look over there at my latest follower on the board, Pat.

Who's Pat? Pat has no picture. Pat has no profile. Pat has no past.


Pat is only following me.

But why? It's a little suspect, don't you think? (Don't answer that.)

You're probably thinking I created Pat to make myself more mysterious. I don't blame you. I would think that too because I have been known, as of late, to break into my loved one's blogs and force them at gunpoint to follow me.

Maybe that's what Pat wants you to think. Maybe Pat is trying to make me look more pathetic and desperate than I am.

Or maybe pat is one of my family members who loves me dearly but feels sorry for me, and a little embarrassed by me, and wants to make me look better than I am.

Or maybe Pat is Mary. I did tell her to make a new profile so she could support me. Maybe she's gone and obeyed me. I bet Mary and Kristina P. planned this whole thing out at their Olive Garden blogger meet-n-greet yesterday (which they didn't invite me to, even though Olive Garden is my favorite.) I bet they're giggling behind my back right now.

Or maybe Pat is just a thank you from one of the bbff's I donated all my false followers to--a little reciprocity to even things out.

I don't know anyone named Pat, except the first counselor in my bishopric. (He wouldn't be a fan would he?)

But is Pat a male or a female? That is the big question. It could go either way.

Maybe it's Pat from Saturday Night Live! Androgynous Pat! Or someone impersonating Androgynous Pat. In that case it can't be Mary because if she's too young for the Osmonds, she's too young for Androgynous Pat.

Or maybe it's Donny, pretending to be Pat. (I hope so!)

Or maybe it's just a secret admirer. One from high school who feels sorry he never publically (or privately) sent me flowers or cookies on Valentines Day, since that IS what secret admirers do.

I always wanted a secret admirer. And now I have one. It's kind of exciting, even if it is just the first counselor in my bishopric or one of my family members or one of my bbff's or Mary . . . or (please, please, pretty please) Donny.

Pat, please don't break this spell and spoil this moment by coming forward and telling me who you really are.  I just need to revel in the intrigue for a few days.

And imagination is so much more fun than reality.

(P.S. Gotta love scheduled posts, cause I'm in Relief Society right now. I really am. I would never shirk my presidential responsibilities to talk about my secret admirer.)


Jami said...

Before I forget I have to tell you that my attempt to get traffic by embedding Osmond names in my latest post has failed. Completely. (Sigh)

Pat. Hm. I know a Pat but she's dead now. So I hope she's not following you. Can't help you there. It's not me. Could be Mary. Might be a person named Pat. You never know.

Donny is probably out of the question. BTW, he is still pretty cute given that he's in his fifties now. I guess it's possible. Maybe he saw your cute profile picture and decided that you were his kind of blogger.

Hey, did you want to go to Olive Garden this week? You pay for the airfare and I'll treat for dinner!

Kristina P. said...

Pat looks very creepy. We did talk about the many bogger pranks we could play on our blogger friends, but I don't follow anyone, so that's not mine.

Strange indeed.

Emily Anne Leyland said...

Hmmmmmmmmmn- very interesting!!! I can't wait to find out who it is. Lock your windows and doors tonight though. You never know. You are stalkable..hahahaha.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jami hows about you pay for the airfare and I'll pay for dinner. ;)

Kristina P. FOLLOW FOLLOW ME! (I would never ask you to go against your principals though) LEAD ME LEAD ME then.

Emily, I think I'm safe across the sea. (I hope) Hey, how did your art show go? Do tell!

Jami said...

Since neither of us can afford airfare, how's about we go to our respective Olive Gardens and think of each other fondly.

Pat said...

Well crash test dummy, sorry to burst your bubble by coming forward, but go check out the post on my blog and it will explain everything. I hope you find it as funny as i did.
Let's be best friends, OK.

And I totally know androgenous pat, because I totally know donny as well. Sorry I am not him, and sorry I am not some secret crush from high school. I am sure those do exist and will be coming out of the closet any time now.

Pat said...

And Kritina, to know me is to love me, although I am bit creepy, so I can't fault you for saying that.

Jen said...

I can never hear the name Pat without thinking of SNL.

I'll bet that really is who your Pat is, too. I mean, it just makes perfect sense when you think about it, right?

How exciting! A weird (but funny), celebrity is secretly admiring you! You are SO lucky.

Jen said...

What a let down. I just read the comments and saw that Pat came out of the stalker closet.

But don't worry - I still think you rock:)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Thanks Jen, I'm bummed too that I didn't get to revel in the intrigue a few days longer. ;(

PAT, why why why did you have to break the spell so soon???

But thanks for the support (both of you)!!!! You're too kind.

Pat said...

Sorry that I couldn't just let you revel a while longer. I am just one of THOSE people who can't stand the thought of people thinking I am creepy.
Crash (see no we can be on a first name basis)maybe I could make it up to you. Donny and Marie are doing a show live here in Vegas. If you ever come over the ocean, you could totally bunk here. I can't help you with the tickets though. WAAAY out of my price range. My DH considered that it would be the perfect birthday present for me a few weeks ago, but almost passed out when the back row seats were $125. He scored big points in "it's the thought that counts department." If I had extra cash lying around I would pay that much to hear Donny sing puppy love, but alas, all my extra cash is going to my dentist and doctor. Curses. But maybe I should look into stalking Donny. How hard would it be to stake out the parking lot after the show? Hmmmm, something to think about. If I do stalk him, would you like me to get you an autograph? I could totally do that for my new bbff. Just say the word.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

K that was funny and then I am reading through the comments and there is pat and she is funny! and I'm glad you don't shirk your responsibilities because i was going to judge you...

okay not really! :)

Debbie said...

Oh Pat. You have totally let us down. You could have played with us a little longer, built up all of our suspicions, and then burst forward. Gotta say you let me down on that one.
And what is up with those creepy anonymous pictures anyway? I almost don't want to comment on blogs where I know I'm gonna pop up as one of those.

Amidey (aka Crazy Lady) said...

Hey, I happen to know Pat and, dude, she is awesome! You are so lucky to have her following your blog. I actually have stalked Donny. I know where his house is in Provo and we go see his lights every Christmas. Yes, I am teaching my kids to stalk him too. My DH delivered a UPS package to his house once. Donny likes to hide by the door and scare the UPS man. Isn't that funny?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, Amidey, AKA CRAZY LADY! I feel much better now. ;) :) ;)

Did I not tell you guys this Osmond thing works!?

*MARY* said...

I am old enough to know who SNL's Pat is, but all this Donny talk is making me want to spew.