Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Have you ever written a post that makes your finger tremble as it reaches for the publish button?

Me too!! That's why today I'm playing it safe (in the title, anyway).

Especially after yesterday. It was probably a bad idea to put the words Mormon and dirty rotten in the same title, because I had 7,000 passive aggressive hits before noon. The only way I could have gotten more hits is if I'd added the word Osmond. (Do you not love how I always work that word in to keep my hits up and annoy my readers at the same time? But I swear you can sue me for a million dollars if I ever use that word again.)

Yesterday I got a mysterious hit from LDS Do you think the prophet is reading my blog? Do you think they're going to excommunicate me? I nearly had my recommend revoked once before for inadvertantly participating in a kava ceremony in Fiji and then writing a story about it that was picked up by the LDS Daily News. But this feels different.

(For the record, it was strictly one-sip ceremonial, but you can't understand the repurcussions of kava, when abused, unless you live in Polynesia).

Anyway, I hope I don't lose my job because I work for the church, you know (although it wouldn't be so bad if I got released from my calling).

So yesterday, as expected, my fans rushed to the defense of 3 great Mormon authors: Orson Scott Card, Stephanie Myer and Nephi.

My response is encoded by keywords. See if you can crack it.

I don't know anything about Stephanie Myer but I imagine she's young, sassy and single and doesn't have a calling. Orson Scott Card? He's a man. And I'm sure he has no calling. Nephi? Definitely no calling!

But seriously, I've been out of creative writing school for 15 years now so Twilight was not yet a cult phenomenon when my CWT made his fateful prophecy. I hate to say this because it's going to make me less popular, but I haven't even read Twilight. (Please, don't tell TAMN). My daughter has however burned it (for a school project)--see blasphemous photo--without my blessing, of course. In my opinion there is only one book worthy of death by hell, fire and damnation and that's Sam by J.W. (In my own defense I was in a feminist crazed daze when I lit the match. I have to write small like this so my grandma can't read it.)

But back to Stephanie Myer. I can't comment on her plot or technique, but I gotta give kudos to that young, sassy, single girl just for playing with the big boys. She not only made it to the trade market, but she's kicking some major booty there.

Remember the day I fell off the wagon while I was eating Chicken Parmesian at Abargios? Well the whole Twilight series was featured in my Double Day book club catalog, my Deseret Book catalog and my Children's Book of the Month catalog. She was even featured in my Emergency Essentials catalog. Go Steph for having a finger in every pot. I go to Borders, she's there. I go to Safeway, she's there. I go to Costco, there she is! Now I even see her at Cinemark. Can't dish on that.

And I think there are plenty of other good Mormon authors, with Orson Scott Card definitely leading the pack. LOVE him (even though he doesn't have a calling.)

But when will the world read and embrace a book about real insiders by real insiders and not just for real insiders? (One that doesn't end happily ever after with a super hot bad boy being converted by an uptight good girl with NM issues?) (I'll let you figure that one out).

Who will write a book that includes but doesn't gloss over the Mormon experience?

Who will write a book that those who live both in the world and of the world will want to read?

Who will write a book with no ulterior motives of bearing their testimony straight from the first discussion?

(I have to write some words really big so my grandma can read them.)

The Jews gave the world The Chosen and The Promise, (and Fiddler on the Roof).

We could give them The Covenant.

I vote for Annie to do it. She doesn't know what the Nobel Prize is given for, but she's cracked the Oprah Book Club code and that could at least land her the Noble Prize.

I don't think I could do it because I'm a liar and a coward.

Anyway, I have more guts to spill (and yet not enough guts to spill). (Get it? More guts, yet not enough guts.)

Story of my life.


Kristina P. said...

I love that your daughter burned Twilight. That makes my day.

Emily Anne Leyland said...

Deb- I LOVE your posts! And you totally could do it.

7000 hits. Holy ravioli!!!!

LOL...about the Kava incident :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

And lol about the 7,000 hits!

Jami said...

You didn't say anything bad (or badly for that matter). The whole PCJBBIW thing is getting on my nerves! Does honesty really hurt the LTC so much that EIE?

Really K*v*? What the heck is it? Sounds like a kind of coff@@.

My daughter loves Twilight and feels sad that I won't read it, but I am vampire-aphobic. That and black widows. Ew.

Pat said...

I haven't read Twilight either. Much peer pressure, and still no. I don't really have a good reason, just not a week of my life to devote to reading. Some day probably. Crash I told you we were kindred spirits.
I laughed out loud about the calling part. Totally get that. Done that one twice and not good enough that I won't have to do it again, darn.
I think you could do this. I would buy your book.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, Jami, I SO HAVE to know what the heck you're talking about.

And I so need to write a post about mormon rhetorical code.

But first I SO NEED to know what the heck you're talking about.


*MARY* said...

I don't think you'll get ex'd for the last post, but your daughter better watch out because she pretty much destroyed the scriptures.

The Rogers Family said...

You are very talented, creative, funny, and many more adjectives. I read your post almost every day along with my wife, who also admires you. Don't feel like you have to tackle difficult topics like polygam* just because I brought it up. This may not be the forum for it. And forgive me for mentioning it. Keep up the clever insights. Stephen

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Mary, you HAVE A POINT!

Pat, I'll let you be my BBFF if you buy my book AND read it (AND write it).

And RF--I can give some entertaining insights into polygamy--just you wait.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey everybody, I just figured out that if you comment a lot in your own comment box, it makes it look like you're really generating a lot of discussion on your blog!

(My CREATIVE WRITING TEACHER is coming so I'm regressing again!)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hey I'm staying out of it...but I awarded you over at my blog...come check it out!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Always the rebel I WILL NOT read Twilight simply because every mormon woman and her dog has read it. I know, weird, huh?

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

#1: Dude you so copped out on your so called "discussion" on OSC. Seriously. I am disappointed.

#2: And now the BBFF thing is for sale? Wow. I feel so... betrayed.

#3: You are so totally lying about the 7000 hits. Your counter isn't even at 1700 yet! It looked good in print, though.

Off I go to give more constructive criticism to my OTHER BBFF's!

:pouts and stomps off:

Becky said...

So you haven't read Twilight. Big flippin' deal. You could do better things with those hours. Like cut your nails or clean the toilet.

Seriously, you're not missing out on anything earth-shattering.

And I like OSC, but I read somewhere that he absolutely loved the 4th Indiana Jones movie (which was seriously painful to sit through), so he's kind of an idiot. (For the love of all things literary, don't tell Lisa I said so!!)

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

Doo-hooo-ude! Them's fightin' words, Becky! Gitcher dukes up!

:dances around, feignting left, then right, then punches at the air vigorously:

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha. Lisa DDDDUUUUUDDDE: Holding your forehead with the palm of my hand as you swing vigorously. It's true Indiana Jones 4 was a bomb.

Okay, so in case you didn't NOTICE, I tricked Pat into thinking she could be my BBFF by saying she had to WRITE, READ and BUY my book. (Do you think she's really going to BUY a book she writes under the pen name CTD? come on, girl . . . We're cool, we're cool.

And anyway, OSC Rocks, but does he write about Mormons? Think not! That was my point so your point is MUTE.

And anyway, DID YOU SEE WE GOT AN AWARD FROM THAT PRETTY POPULAR girl Shelle at blokthoughts? We're that much closer to becoming glindas.


Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

Hey, all I saw is you putting your BBFF-ness on the market. I knew you were dirty, but I never knew you could be bought.

:takes a mighty swing with my LONGER arms and knocks the dummy's head off:

Dude! You're supposed to duck!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Girlfriend, we're almost glindas!! We're THIS close!

Did you hear me? THIS CLOSE!

And OOOWWW! That smarts!

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

FTR: OSC never said he "absolutely loved" Indiana Jones 4. He liked it, but also listed a lot of flaws in his review at this link:

Quote: "Yet in spite of these flaws, I enjoyed the movie...But Last Crusade is still the best of the Indiana Jones movies."

So he's a 10 year old boy at heart. It doesn't make him an idiot.

Can you tell that misquoting and gross generalizations really bug me?

Still love ya, Becky! :turns to face alaska and waves madly:

Jami said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Becky said...

Oh, busted! Alright, alright, so I remembered it incorrectly. Maybe I was a tad on the critical side because I'm still wondering if Wives of Israel is ever ever EVER going to get written.

Seriously, though, he's soooo not an idiot. I mean, c'mon. Ender's Game? Genius. Genius, I say!!

I am LoW said...

OSC wrote a book about Emma Smith....

I didn't like...

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

Becky: thou art forgiven if thou shalt covenant to never ever diss The Man OSC again. Ever.

LoW: The book "Saints" included Emma as a major part of the story, since it dealt with early church history and polygamy, the main character was one of Joseph Smith's polygamous wives. Loved that book.

However, I am assuming that your point was that OSC does write about Mormons, and you are so very right about that. OSC does not write specifically about contemporary mormon culture though, which is what I suspect CDT is referring to.

And so I hereby nominate Crash Test Dummy to be the first great Mormon insider writer. When can I pre-order my copy?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YAY! for just $18.95 you can pre-order The Covenant! I accept Pay Pal

Erin The Great said...

ah the passive aggressive! That has got to be hands down my favorite thing about Utah and the Mormon culture... So great!

I was blog stalking and I came across your blog... So true and hilarious!