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Have you ever written a post that makes your finger tremble as it reaches for the publish button?

Me too!! That's why today I'm playing it safe (in the title, anyway).

Especially after yesterday. It was probably a bad idea to put the words Mormon and dirty rotten in the same title, because I had 7,000 passive aggressive hits before noon. The only way I could have gotten more hits is if I'd added the word Osmond. (Do you not love how I always work that word in to keep my hits up and annoy my readers at the same time? But I swear you can sue me for a million dollars if I ever use that word again.)

Yesterday I got a mysterious hit from LDS Church.org. Do you think the prophet is reading my blog? Do you think they're going to excommunicate me? I nearly had my recommend revoked once before for inadvertantly participating in a kava ceremony in Fiji and then writing a story about it that was picked up by the LDS Daily News. But this feels different.

(For the record, it was strictly one-sip ceremonial, but you can't understand the repurcussions of kava, when abused, unless you live in Polynesia).

Anyway, I hope I don't lose my job because I work for the church, you know (although it wouldn't be so bad if I got released from my calling).

So yesterday, as expected, my fans rushed to the defense of 3 great Mormon authors: Orson Scott Card, Stephanie Myer and Nephi.

My response is encoded by keywords. See if you can crack it.

I don't know anything about Stephanie Myer but I imagine she's young, sassy and single and doesn't have a calling. Orson Scott Card? He's a man. And I'm sure he has no calling. Nephi? Definitely no calling!


But seriously, I've been out of creative writing school for 15 years now so Twilight was not yet a cult phenomenon when my CWT made his fateful prophecy. I hate to say this because it's going to make me less popular, but I haven't even read Twilight. (Please, don't tell TAMN). My daughter has however burned it (for a school project)--see blasphemous photo--without my blessing, of course. In my opinion there is only one book worthy of death by hell, fire and damnation and that's Sam by J.W. (In my own defense I was in a feminist crazed daze when I lit the match. I have to write small like this so my grandma can't read it.)













But back to Stephanie Myer. I can't comment on her plot or technique, but I gotta give kudos to that young, sassy, single girl just for playing with the big boys. She not only made it to the trade market, but she's kicking some major booty there.

Remember the day I fell off the wagon while I was eating Chicken Parmesian at Abargios? Well the whole Twilight series was featured in my Double Day book club catalog, my Deseret Book catalog and my Children's Book of the Month catalog. She was even featured in my Emergency Essentials catalog. Go Steph for having a finger in every pot. I go to Borders, she's there. I go to Safeway, she's there. I go to Costco, there she is! Now I even see her at Cinemark. Can't dish on that.

And I think there are plenty of other good Mormon authors, with Orson Scott Card definitely leading the pack. LOVE him (even though he doesn't have a calling.)

But when will the world read and embrace a book about real insiders by real insiders and not just for real insiders? (One that doesn't end happily ever after with a super hot bad boy being converted by an uptight good girl with NM issues?) (I'll let you figure that one out).

Who will write a book that includes but doesn't gloss over the Mormon experience?

Who will write a book that those who live both in the world and of the world will want to read?

Who will write a book with no ulterior motives of bearing their testimony straight from the first discussion?

(I have to write some words really big so my grandma can read them.)

The Jews gave the world The Chosen and The Promise, (and Fiddler on the Roof).

We could give them The Covenant.

I vote for Annie to do it. She doesn't know what the Nobel Prize is given for, but she's cracked the Oprah Book Club code and that could at least land her the Noble Prize.

I don't think I could do it because I'm a liar and a coward.

Anyway, I have more guts to spill (and yet not enough guts to spill). (Get it? More guts, yet not enough guts.)

Story of my life.