Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear Abby

So I tossed and turned all night long after posting my dilemma.

I pondered my life from front to back.  Then I got bored and fell asleep.  

In my dreams I was on a magical journey.  There was a yellow brick road and a harmonica playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  

SUDDENLY the Dragon Warrior appeared to me and handed me a scroll.  When I opened it Jack Black popped out with a pair of chop sticks .  He was wearing stretchy pants and carrying a guitar. He smiled at me and said,  "My life is guooooood.  I get to wake up every morning at 5 a.m. and make soup for the orphans." 

"But you don't want to make soup for the orphans," I said.  "You want to be a wrestler."

"Yes," he said.  "And I want to be a rock star!  And I want to be a kung fu warrior!  But I don't want to make soup.  And I don't want to make noodles."  

And then he did a few karate chop spins before resting his steady gaze on me.  "And you don't want to teach history." 

Then he winked at me and told me to stick it to the man

SUDDENLY he turned into Kevin Costner, and he said, "If you blog it, they will come," after which he chucked a baseball at my face.

But Rocky Balboa grabbed the baseball in mid flight, just as it was about to break my nose, and he shook his fist and yelled, "I'm a fighter! That's what I'm made of!" Then he turned to me and shook his fist again and yelled, "You're a writer! That's what you're made of!"  

And Yoda was there, and Dear Abby, and they were boxing and singing "The Eye of the Tiger" and John Mayer was singing, "Say What You Need to Say!"   

Then everything went quiet and fell away.  And it was dark.  And I was alone.  

Except I wasn't alone.  Jackie Robinson was there too.  And he had a gift for me.  

"Is this my ancient Chinese secret ingredient?"  I asked.  

"No," he smiled, with a twinkle in his eye.  "It's your present." 

I opened it and blinked in amazement.  It was a glittery jar of rubber cement.     

"Is this magic glue?"  I asked?  

"That's up to you," he said.  And then he gathered me up in his arms and he was so strong and kind and comforting and he smelled like Old Spice. 

"Some people dance," he said.  "Some people get struck by lightening.  Some people teach history."  Then he paused.  "And some people blog." 

It seemed so profound.  

When I woke up my eyes were hideously swollen, but my heart was happy.  

And I called the head of the History Department and I told him how flattered I was that he thought of me and that I loved the free books, which I didn't feel I deserved since I haven't taught a history class for 2 years. 

Then I told him that one of the things I learned from teaching History for 5 years and from traveling to Fiji and New Zealand and Mexico is that bribery is illegal in some countries.  

 (I jest, people!  I jest!)

Long story short.  I guess I'm a girl who cain say no.  I respectfully declined his request.  

I'm a writer.  That's what I'm made of.  As Gad as my witness, I must follow my yellow brick road, come helk or highwater.
Mahalo for reminding me of that.  

And look out Dear Abby!  Here I come!


Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

THAT"S MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a writer and don't let anyone tell ya different.

I'm proud of you!!! Now teach me how to say no :)

Stephen said...

Congrat! That was ballzy of you.

♥georgie♥ said...

Hey Kevin Costner was in my dream last night too! oh you jest...well pfft ;-)

Kristina P. said...

Yay! I knew you would choose us over them.

T said...

It's like we ALL won a prize today! Yay! Way to take the bull by the horns! Channel your inner Abby, we're waiting with bated breath...

Sandi said...

was that a made up dream? I just gotta know if that was made to illustrate a point or if your subconscious is really that whacked. Its a legitimate concern. Bless your heart.
p.s. way to stick it to the man!
p.s.s. Kute Kasey is landing in an hour, I will have to tell her ix-nay on the history class!

Anjeny said...

Oh Crash, I was shedding droves and buckets of tears for you made me think there was no hope and then when I thought I'm all dried up{of tears, of course}, you drop your good news and I am all in tears again. I would hug you but I don't want to put any stain the shirt you said you bought for Mariko but are wearing as we type...LOL. It does look good with the cow skirt and the zebra bag.
Imma go sent out some big mahalos to Jack Black, Kevin Costner, Rocky Balboa, Jackie Robinson, and Yoda for leaving their busy Hollywood schedule to come to your dream and make you see reason.
Now, please don't ever worry me like that again, my cute little heart can't take that kind of torment anymore..ahahah.

Sandi said...

oh and by the way....what was the guys response to you declining his invitation?

I am LoW said...

As it should be. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay guys (Sandi) that was a made up dream to illustrate my ponderings. I wish my subconscious was that whacked out! Then I wouldn't have to invent details and exaggerate truths.

Sandi, my only regret is that I won't get to teach Kute Kasey. And the head honcho was so cool after I talked it through with him and explained my position. Without saying too much, because I'm bound to silence when it comes to university matters, there are a few up sides to me declining the position, which I can't go into because they are shrouded in secrecy. So shhhhhhhh

Anyway, bottom line, he told me that he was glad in the end that I declined.

That's what HE said.

Nuff said.

Oh Anjeny, you are so dang cute. Have I ever told you that. Really you are. And I would never wear a shirt I bought for someone else at Savers. That's gross.

Thank you for all of your kind cheers!

Jami said...

*sniff* That was beautiful! I'm so happy!

And I'm so glad I don't have to scream like Shelly Duvall, because I'm already a little hoarse from getting the kids off to school this morning.

Jen said...

Nothing like a girl who knows her mind. As my mother would say - What a woman.

Sandi said...

p.s. your brother called you ballzy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, he also calls me mentally unstable!


nevadanista said...

Rock on CTD!!! And kick some azz...

Sandi said...

just wondered if I should tell your mom or something.
I am soooo neglecting all of my household duties today and blog surfing my life away. I keep coming back here to check the comments because I gotta say that they are usually pretty entertaining!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, you're letting down and letting up after the holiday rush. Plus you're probably sad/happy that Kute Kasey is back at school. I'm sure it was super exciting/boring to have her home.

Will somebody please come and entertains Sandi here?

Anyone? Anyone?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Sandi, just so you know, household duties are highly over rated. So neglect away.

Crash, such good news, but how will this play into the getting released thing? hmmmmm.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh dear not logged in again, how bothersome.

T said...

I really just dropped by again to see all the comment fun - but my word verification says "toillin"... isn't that exactly what None of us are doing?

Mariko said...

Wow. Your dreams are in technicolor. And star studded.

Mariko said...

I didn't mean to push publish. It did anyway.
That is such a good word. The act of getting shin scraped.

April said...

YES!!!! We get to keep you all to ourselves!! WOOO HOOOO!!!! And I must say I have missed Sandi and her smarty pants comments. What's fun is I can actually "hear" her saying them!

Just wondering, was it the old Rocky or the young Rocky? The old one scares me! Too many roids!

recomeds-Rocky going on a reconnaissance for steroids

nevadanista said...

Oh yay! I'm not the only one who haunts the comments :)

Sandi said... have all come through with flying colors- thanks for spending a few minutes of your precious time entertaining lil ol me!
Crash you are exactly right, I am happy/sad and it was exciting/boring. Mostly boring.
by the way I love Nacho and his stretchy pants.
p.s. I haven't had a really good word verification in ages.
p.p.s. April I am not a smarty pants so there.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, you don't know how happy that makes me that you got the stretchy pants.

This party would be complete if only Funny Farmer and that blokhead, Shelle were here. Oh and N.E. Alison. Oh, and Tiffany. Oh, and Swirl. Oh and Martha. Oh and . . . why do people have to have a life, anyway?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

And Why does Miss Heidi have to take Tuesday's off? So LAMe-O.

Jami said...

It's the whole published author gig, CTD. Someday you will likely suffer the same fate.

Annie Valentine said...

You were "flattered". What a fine use of semantics, my friend.

Sandi said...

fun party. too bad the girls who have lives had to miss it all. I am off to bed with a solemn vow to take my household duties more serious tomorrow. Good night Crash..good night Nacho...good night chancho!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Your dream sequence TOTALLY illustrates that you are kick-a$% writer! That was such a cool scene you wrote. You are my idol. You are my god. Ok, wait, I just learned this week in RS that I shouldn't have idols. So, would you settle for super hero? Anyway, you've got imagination by the boatload, girl, and you best be using it to blog your brains out and not teaching history to snot-nosed kids.

Sandi said...

And just for the record, when you see me say that I am going to bed at 8:26 I want you to remember the time difference and don't you dare think for one minute that I am a girl with no life who goes to bed that early! I am, however hoping for a dream with a cast of characters as exciting as the one Crash made up.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh for some reason that made me so happy to hear Sandi say goodnight Chanco! Eagle Power to YOU, Sandi. Sweet dreams.

And Alyson, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me. I can be your Gad if you want. I would say I can be your Tamn, but there's only one Tamn.
You're my Gad too, Alyson.

April said...

I learned in RS that the "bishopric" was more important because they got the larger tv. This was repeated over and over until it was a truth.

PS-my hubby was the only member of the bishopric at church on Sun. I left early so I wouldn't say naughty words and be struck down in my sin.

PPS-Did I mention he was teaching the YM & YW on Sunday?

Now I dream about naughty words swirling around in my head!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

April, sounds like a great RS lesson. Why do we so often care about such little things? I am sometimes amazed that we aren't all struck with a 40 stint at the 8 am times slot.

And good night john boy also.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

GOOD NIGHT, JOHN BOY!!!! Oh, I just got the warmest fuzzies when you said that!

Good night, Mary Ellen.

Good night, Grandpa!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I was wondering why there were posts from you on my dashboard in spite of your imminent departure from blogdom-I guess I must have just "known" b/c I never even shed a tear over the whole thing. And thank goodness I didn't need to! Yay, Crash!