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Thursday, January 8, 2009

My Truth or Dare Retreat

Guess what everyone? I just talked to my blogging supervisor and he said I can extend the slumber party into a full blown RETREAT!

So don't clean up your sleeping bags.

And if it's really fun, maybe you guys can just move in with me!

I'm just going to keep Jack Johnson playing in the background so I can remember his stinkin' hot vampire face, (minus the pasty whitness and the creepiness and plus a super sexy five o'clock shadow). And hey, maybe we can have Banana pancakes for breakfast in his honor.

I'm sooooo excited for the RETREAT! What should we do? Hmmm? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Kristina P. thinks we should tp Dooce's blog. I'm scared though. Does anyone know her? Would she get mad? If we tp Dooce, then we might as well tp the Pioneer Woman too.

Hey maybe we can egg Funny Farmer's blog too. Egg out of love, of course.

Hey, can you guys take her this note for me, cause I haven't seen her for a while.

Dear Lisa, Are you mad at me? Yes or No? Please mark here. Love, Crash.

Don't tell her I sent you though, okay. PINKY PROMISE! Cross your heart, hope to die!


LY, LISA! MISS YOU!


Okay so let's catch up first. Today I had lunch at the beach house with my ILs and I finally realized why the church and why the older and wiser among us repeat the same things over and over. It's so we won't forget!

Today I got to hear the story about when my MIL started her . . . well, let's just say it's not her comma, but her . . .

I totally forgot about that story until her telling it jarred my memory of the other 97 times she told us what it was like to have your . . . well, not your comma, before they made Kotex. It's a particularly poigniant story when you're dipping your french fries into your ketsup.

And guess what else happened today. The old boat guy caught us for toilet papering his house and spray painting a shaka sign on his new/old boat. Now I have to do 100 hours of community service and force my mom to be his house slave.

But hey, maybe my mom will fall in love with him and then I can be Funny Farmer's evil step sister.

If she's not mad at me.

If she's mad at me I'll let her be the evil step sister.

So the OBG posted this cool picture here of Funny Farmer when she was a super star athlete in high school. She was #1 in the state.

It made me think of myself in high school when I ran cross country. I was number 356 our of 358.


But the similarities are uncanny. Same hair. Same shorts. Same attitude.

Then check this out. New England Alyson posted this photo here of herself when she was living in England.


And look at me going into the same red telly tubby phone booth in London.


Same hair. Same attitude. (Although I look more like I'm entering an outhouse than she does.)

No wonder the invisible red thread brought us all together.

Okay, enough chit chat. Let's play truth or dare. As in I DARE you to tell the TRUTH.

And since this is a retreat, keep it HEALTHY. Retreats are more cleansing and cathartic than slumber parties, so as long as you keep it cleansing and cathartic, we're good.

Or you can just keep it real. Whatever.

Yesterday I took my son and 2 of Swirl's sons to the beach to go net fishing. Swirl and I trade off taking them every other day. The 2 older boys ran ahead with their fish bucket and net while her little 4 year old was trying to lug this gigantic bucket of water along the shore line. He could barely make it 2 steps before he had to rest. I smiled and said, do you want me to carry that for you? So I did.

After I carried it a ways I noticed it was full of empty water. No fish. Why carry a gigantic bucket of water with no fish? What's the point? So I said, hey, there's no fish in here, can I dump it out? So I did.

It made me think about life because everything makes me think about life.

Sometimes we have to help other people carry their burdens. And sometimes we have to help them see that their burdens are not necessary so they can dump them now. Let them go.

That's what retreats are for--to carry and dump.

So dump your bucket here. Or just tell someone else good job for dumping their bucket.

Here's my bucket.

I feel guilty about something.

I know I shouldn't, but I DO! And maybe if I were to look down I would realize I'm just carrying a bucket of empty water.

Ten years ago my sister, Melanie and I were pregnant at the same time. We each had a girl already. And I had a boy too. She found out she was having a boy. The I found out I was having twin boys.

I felt like I was one-upping her.

We both went into early labor. I gave birth to two 2 lb. baby boys at 29 weeks. It was touch-and-go and they spent 6 weeks in an incubator, but they pulled through.

My sister gave birth to her little boy at 24 weeks. Matthew. He only lasted 12 hours.

How come I get 2 boys and she gets none? That's NOT fair!

That's NOT right.

Why do I get three boys and she gets . . . none?

None is the loneliest number in the whole wide world.

I feel so sad for my sister.

I feel so sad for anyone who loses a child. I look at my children and I know it would cleft my heart in twain to lose any of them.

I wish I could give every parent who loses child a big hug and help them put their hearts back together.

How do you help someone put their heart back together?

Swirl's sister Emily lost a baby too. Gabriel.

She has created a beautiful, comforting, healing blog called Stepping Stones and Stumbling Blocks to help people carry their bucket or empty their bucket and put their hearts back together. You absolutely MUST check it out. Even if you haven't lost a child.



I love that she did that.

LY Emily! LY Melanie! LY Gabriel and Matthew!

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Now Swirl does something really sweet for people. She writes the names of the lost children in the sand. It makes me verclempt to see it.



Make sure to read the sidebar if you want to be verclempt too.

And if you've lost a child, maybe Swirl will write their name in the sand for you. It doesn't cost anything. Just love.

sniff

I feel lighter now.

Mahalo for letting me say what I needed to say.


Okay, your turn

P.S. Click on Jack Johnson song #9. If I could That's my song for Melanie and Emily. And anyone else who has lost a child.

118 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I said TP!! Not egging! That's a whole 'nother monster. Maybe hardboiled egging? That might be OK. And then Ree can make a delicious deviled egg out of them!

I sort of feel like I need to bring back the Post Secret post after reading this! Anything I want to get off my chest I feel like I have to do so anonymously, you know?

Hmmmm. We'll see!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! I just changed it for you, Kristina P.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

A family in our ward lost their 2 year old last summer. They had 4 living children, now 3. They sent out Christmas cards with a picture of all 4 of the kids. Made me cry instantly. How do you go on?

They have an online journal they keep and invite others to read. Everytime I read it, I want to hug my children super hard.

Did Emily lose a child?

April said...

Hmmmmm.....my stomach hurts because I'm stressed. I have a not so fun week ahead of me next week....my bucket is REALLY heavy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Alyson, my cousin, Emily hasn't lost a child. Swirl's sister is named Emily. I know exactly what you mean.

HOW DO YOU GO ON?

April, what's happening next week that is so stressful? Can I carry that bucket for you for a spell? ;)

Alyson (New England Living) said...

By the way, we totally have the same hair! But you like to show off your butt more.

Ok, I'm going to have to nod off soon since it's midnight here. Please, for the love of all that which is holy, DO NOT freeze my bra or put shaving cream in my hand.

April said...

Nope...I've been putting it off for a couple of months....the old denial thing. (Don't tell anyone, not even all of my family knows....but I have to do a radiation treatment next Wed and I am really scared!)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

G'night Alyson. Sleep tight. he he he We promise we won't mob you. he he he

OMGOSH APRYL! OMGOSH! Are you serious???????????????

What the helk? You haven't told anyone? Not even your husband? You told your husband, right?

Does your super hot son know?

How come you didn't tell them?

Does Toad know?

She should know. I would be so sad if my sister didn't tell me.

Are you okay?

Details details details!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

April, I was so sad for you and scared for you that I accidentally spelled your name wrong because I just got an email from my secretary named Apryl.

Here's a big HUG!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm got to run to the grocery store before my son disowns me, but keep talking. Someone talk to April. Swirl. Anjeny. Pat. Jami. Lisa.

Anyone??

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, don't forget that Pat lost her foster daughter when they moved.

April! Oh dear. We'll pray for you.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I've got a little secret.....I'm not wearing a bra! Haha! You have nothing to freeze. I blow rasberries in your general direction.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Well April, that is scary. Hopefully letting us know will help you. I have been amazed at how much saying things on my blog helped me through last month. You are not alone.

Crash you have helped me carry my bucket, thanks for that.

That is too funny those two picture of you and Lisa. You are two peas in a pod. I miss her here also.

April said...

My sister, hubby and son knows. This is a follow up to the surgery I had in Aug. I was supposed to have this done in Sept...but wasn't ready then.

My sister came then and helped me and loved me. But this time around I will be quarantined for 2 weeks. I will be radioactive for that long.
Sorry, I'm just having a pity party!

Anjeny said...

April, I feel for ya. My brother-in-law is doing radiation too. Our temple here in Hawaii, Oahu, is closed for eighteen months so I can't go and put his name in the prayer box so I have been doubling on my prayers for him. Will it help if I offer one up for ya?
And here's a virtual hug for ya.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

April, please say that you can have your computer during your quarentine, because then we can virtually keep you company. he he he he

T said...

My SIL and I were due about a week apart... I didn't make it that far and it took me a few years to be okay with being a fun aunt to her baby girl (now a beautiful almost 10 year old amazing niece!)... Time does heal wounds - guilt is not necessary, but time is, let yourselves have some.

April - being as I actually live close enough I could bring by some chicken noodle soup for your radioactive self - really, just shout out if you need a good book or a good meal (maybe a mediocre meal...)

Funny Farmer said...

First, let me say that anyone who would consider egging the Chicken Lady has not thought that particular strategy through very well. Ahem.

Second, nope I'm not mad at you. Well, at least I wasn't before you splattered my photo on your blog. But I'm mad now. (not really.)

Third, your posts are too long. (poke) How can I respond to all of it without writing an epic of my own in your comment box? Or I could channel Kritta22 and carpet bomb comment to help you reach 200 this time. hee hee (LY Kritta!)

I have never lost a child, but I thought I was going to lose my son a couple of different times. One time it was my fault his life was in danger. I left paint thinner in a paper cup down where his 18-month old hands could reach it. Oh, the panic! And the GUILT!

I'm good at guilt. Real, real good.

April - RADIATION? Wow. That's high on the stress scale indeed! Hugs from here. (I'm closer so it works better, dontcha know.)

robin said...

Usually April and I take turns carrying each others buckets. She does such an awesome job with mine that I have a hard time taking it back. Next week we will both be miserable with our "treatments" so to speak ... her with her radiation pill (remember what your doctor said... don't play in your urine... ewww) and me with my sinus surgery. But fortunately we are not shy with our cell phone usage. I wonder what kinds of weird things I'LL be saying under the influence of pain meds and anesthesia. April comes up with some doosies.

Anjeny said...

Last month, my daughter's friend's brother committed suicide. It was really sad because he was actually the most out-going one in the family with a lot going for him. At his funeral, they had the family say something in his honor, and it sounded like this was the kid who was role model to the rest of the kid.
It made me really sad thinking about why people do that to themselves. I always wonder what was going through their minds at that instant they were to take their last breath. Did they think about the people they would be leaving behind?
I was totally bawling out at the funeral, my husband couldn't figure out what to do with me. You see, it really hit home for me because I had a brother who committed suicide too when we were in high school. He was my protector...the one who always came to my rescue when I was in trouble, who would beat any kid up who made fun of me or the naughty lil boys who get a kick out of pulling my pig tail.
Ok, that is too personal so I better hush.
I hope your sister find peace and that you two can resume ur loving sisterly relationship.

April said...

Thanks for all the hugs and love you are all being so kind! I don't know what the radiation will do to the laptop. I am not even supposed to sleep in the same bed as the hubby....SCAREY!!!

I bought a good book to read...it's by one Heidi Ashworth.

From what I understand my energy levels will be nil.

T-if I need some food, I will call! Thanks!!

Anjeny said...

Alyson, Swirl is the one with the shaving cream so I think you should hide out in her sleeping bag if you don't want shaving cream on ur hand.
As for the bra, I think that's something everyone will have to be keeping a close eye out for...Crash is on a revenge mode. It is a good thing I came to the retreat bra-less, I'd rather droop tonight than wear frozen bra tomorrow...LOL.

Jami said...

April, I'm so sorry. My aunt and my MIL have been doing that this year too. You'll be in my prayers. Sleep well.

I hate to miss the party, but I have to go early tonight. I'm exhausted after last night's fun.

Hey, Swirl would you write my sister's little never-born baby Michael Christopher's name in the sand? That would be really beautiful.

robin said...

I have never lost a child although I have friends and relatives who have had miscarriages and a friend whose daughter passed away 6 hours after birth. My own personal nemesis has been my battle with infertility during my almost 14 years of marriage. Our 8 year old is our miracle child but our other 3 boys came to our home a year and a half ago through foster care.

It would take too long to describe all the years and tears and money spent on medical procedures that didn't work and adoption agency that didn't work until we felt that foster care was the right thing for us. It only took us 12 years to get there. Now we have 4 beautiful, funny, often naughty (ask April) but wonderful boys who keep me busy most of the day.

Anjeny said...

Oh yeah Crash, that pix of you running...amazing! Your daughter looks soooo much like you. Did she see this pix...what did she think of it?

Sandi said...

T, April will NOT call if she needs some soup, so just taker her some and then tell her it's from me..does that sound like a plan?
April- is this maybe the last time you have to do it? I know Drew will take good care of you but really....let people help!

robin said...

Anjeny, the one thing I have learned from working with people who are severely depressed (I worked on a psychiatric unit for four years) is that they aren't thinking clearly as they would in a non-depressed state. So they wouldn't necessarily consider how others would feel that would be left behind if they are so depressed that they just want to get rid of the pain of depression or they are tired of "the fight"... or if they did think of their loved ones they might think that in committing suicide they would relieve their loved ones of the burden of taking care of them. I often heard patients say this. Even though it may not make sense to one who is thinking clearly it makes sense to that person that is depressed. It is logical to them.

I'm so sorry about your brother. It is hard to know what is going on in someone else's mind and even more so when someone is depressed because they feel and act differently than when they are not depressed.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Thanks for the heads up, Anjeny! I am a fellow braless wonder too! :)

robin said...

it's true about April... she won't ask for help...you just have to do it...only could you tell her it's from me??? hahahha!!!

Sandi said...

p.s. Crash, LOVE the shorts, LOVE the hair! when do we get to hear about the MIL's day before kotex?

April said...

OMGosh!!! And over french fries and ketchup no less!!!!

And zip it Sandi and Robin!!!

robin said...

what I said??? lol

robin said...

I'm just telling the truth. my nose isn't even twitching (see today's post on my blog if you don't understand)

Anjeny said...

Thanks robin for the comment to me. Since it's been a while since my brother's passing, it doesn't hurt as much now. Hopefully I will be able to see him someday.

Anjeny said...

So T, since robin and sandi wants to take credit for ur soup that you will take to April, you should tell April the soups from them but be sure to insert a note in there with ur name on it so she knows who the good deed is really from, what ya say eh?
Oh and shhh, don't tell them I said that..lol.

robin said...

well, I'm off to bed... I'm only up this late because hubby is at Powell. that means I'm on my own getting kids ready for school ... wait a minute... I do it myself anyways when he IS home. good night ladies. try not to tell any more of my secrets while I'm gone April...I'll be checking tomorrow (picture my fingers pointing from my eyes to your eyes).

April said...

That Robin is a bossy one!! Who is she related to anyways? hehehehe

Sandi said...

April you are not the boss of me so there. Anjeny I think I had a perfectly good idea. I would totally take April soup if she didn't live 6 hours away, REALLY I would.

Sandi said...

Um April are we the only ones here?

nevadanista said...

I thought this truth or dare was going to turn into a wetting myself moment. What good is a slumber party if no one wets herself for laughing too hard? But then you you made me wet my eyes instead. And what good is a slumber party that doesn't turn into a sistah bonding fest? No good at all!!!

Cyber hugs April, and best wishes with your treatment next week!

Oh, and I must confess that I egged my 8th grade homemaking teacher's house at a slumber party - Mrs Young. Just had to get that off my chest.

Sandi said...

or maybe I'm here all by myself?

Sandi said...

this is kind of awkward...

Sandi said...

So theres a song playing right now with jack johnson saying where did all the good people go............WOW

Mariko said...

I'm not sure I want to ever have a story that is on par with that story.
The closest I can come (now) is how a sister told our R.S. about how her daughter's baby died right before labor started and she had to birth a stillborn. This was when I was pregnant.
I was kind of fuming mad about her talking about that while I was pregnant. I'm totally superstitous by the way, thanks to my mom.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my gooness, oh my gooness. (pronounced goodness, but with a soft "d" Another cute thing I learned from my MIL).

YOU GUYS!!!!

I can't keep up with you. I'm crying buckets and then emptying them and then L-ingOL.

I love slumber party retreats! Especially braless ones. It reminds me of the good ole' groovy sixties.

And you will not believe what my verifier is saying: trialing.

I kid not. I jest not. How many times a week does my verifer give you chicken skin. It is so in touch with the universe it scares me. It's like the universes messenger to tell us all the Gad understands.

OMGOSH! I gotta go get my daughter from soccer practice.

BRB

April said...

Sandi...I know you would bring me soup if you lived closer, cause you are awesome like that!

Sorry, I had to grow dry my eyes...I was feeling the love!

Did you know I am just getting back in touch with my emotions...well emotions other than anger...is that an emotion?

Heidi Ashworth said...

I laughed, I cried, all in the same post. If this were a meal, it would be the swanky four course kind. The bucket analogy is priceless. (You should really put together a book of your posts and get it published.) I haven't lost a child but I expect to before I die. I think the Stepping Stones site is incredible! Thanks!

SWIRL said...

I was at a cub scout day camp planning meeting for 2 hours.. can you please pull the pins out of my eyes!!! and someone paint my toe nails? pink please?

WOW CRASH what a beautiful post! Thanks for carrying my sons bucket. (even if it was empty water.)

For the record: Sandwritten blog was my sister's idea. She has been passionate about helping other women, and I love this is something we can do together.

and I want to lovingly- just make a correction.. her sons name is Gabriel.

with that pass the tissues-- such a beautiful post!

Jen said...

I only get to retreat for a minute because I have this hot date with the laundry. And after reading all the comments, I've kind of lost track of who's who - except April is the one doing radiation, right? Seriously wishing you good luck with that. My mom starts it when they're sure they've got all the cancer, and we have no idea what to expect!

And Crash, so your MIL started having ellipses? That is SOOO interesting! I've never heard of that before. Especially in respect to Kotex. You must be an AWESOME writing teacher, because none of mine ever mentioned what Kotex had to do with having ellipses. Dying to know here... (Hey, look! I'm having ellipses too! Amazing. Do I need Kotex now? Just wondering).

Sandi said...

Way past bed time for me. May much more carrying and dumping go on while I am slumbering. And may much more bra wearing take place as well ( sorry but it's just too much for me). You guys are the best- thanks for sharing.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I'm totally ROTFLOL over Jen's comment about elipses. My daughter keeps saying "what's so funny?"

I'll be back after I pull myself together

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Wait Sandi!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, are you still there?

Sandi said...

present

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, Sandi, I just wanted to say I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE A FACE!

WOW! I had no idea. It's such a Kute Kasey-esque face!

I can't tell if it's a vampire lover or fighter face. It could go either way, really!

Thanks for all your catharsis tonight.

You can crash here if you want. Get it, CRASH.

I kill myself.

Melanie J said...

Gosh, Crash. This is so poignant.

I guess what I need to get off of my shoulders is that my little boy is making wrong decisions and I'm desperate to help him be okay. We're praying and fasting and loving him and taking him to therapy and I think he'll be okay. But I worry.

Sandi said...

aww you noticed! you have no idea how much trouble I had figuring out how to put my Kute vampire-hating face on here. I am not so technologically talented you know. If only I didn't have to get up and work tomorrow I would totally CRASH here....haha you kill me too!
p.s. word verifier "nosyja" What my german neighbor says when I ask her how she's doing. tee hee
Good night all!

Blogging Mama said...

I haven't lost a child but I lost the ability to have children when I was 24 and my son was born. So that's maybe a tenth of what someone who actually loses a child feels but I do understand.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Swirl, how embarrassing. I'm sorry. I changed it. Fixed it.

I like Gabriel because it makes me think of Angel Gabriel.

Jen said...

Wow! This is the coolest retreat EVER! Because I just got two loads of laundry done, and I'm still here. It's never been cool to do laundry at a retreat before that I know of. Thanks Crash, you're the BEST!

And Melanie, that is one of my biggest fears! Working in a high school has really opened my eyes to how many things kids have coming at them these days. Good for you for being on top of it, and taking action. If only more parents were that proactive!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Melanie! Melanie! Here's a hug! Here's a prayer. May you have the strength to get him (and you) through it. I'll send you some fortification!

LY, Melanie!

I'll be back to LY the rest of you after I get the kids off to bed. They don't go back to school until next week.

April said...

It's so hard to hear when mom's lose little ones that they sometimes get to bond with or other times they just get to bring into the world for a brief moment.

It's also saddens my heart to see parents struggle with their kids, because my boys have been so good. Don't get me wrong, I have had sleepness nights and worried because of decisions they were making, but overall they are great boys.

April said...

BIG HUGS to all moms.....and moms at heart!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Big HUGs to YOU April!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, FIRST THING I HAVE TO SAY is:


YAY!!!! Funny Farmer came to the retreat! I'm so happy to see you Funny Farmer. And you're right about the long posts. That's why I should be writing BOOKS and not BLOGS. But books aren't as fun. NO instant gratification. No retreats and slumber parties.

I know what you mean about guilt.

I think guilt and losing a child together would be worse than hell.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

What the DEEP THOUGHTS CRASH!? That threw me a curve ball! I can't even begin to know what your sister felt or how you felt...I'm sorry!

April...I will keep you in my prayers and I hope it will be the only one you have to do...EVER!

To optimistic?

As for the big ol' slumber party...I'm just glad you didn't pull out the picture where WE look exactly ALIKE along with our TRIPLET...that would have been embarrassing!

I only came on this retreat because I thought our guest speaker was Pioneer Woman...and I really need to ask her HOW THE HELK she keeps her HAIR so vibrant...is it a BOTTLE or natural?

But we are now only going to EGG her blog? TAMN it ALL!!!

And speaking of TAMN...will she be here for the retreat? Maybe she can give me a TAMN make=over?

Do I miss picking out a SUPER SECRET SISTER for the REtreat weekend? I always buy gifts and leave little notes for my special secret sister? But if I missed the drawing let me know!

Oh girls...UBER big group hug!

April said...

I don't think it is being too optimistic! Feb will tell though! After this radiation I will have a body scan done in feb to see if I have any more "hot spots". The doctors are optimistic. Me too!!

SWIRL said...

Okay -- Big BEar hug {{{hugss}}}

I love all you ladies!
whose up for Mama Mia!

Hey! stop tossing your pillows! I was joking!
You know CRASH we really are going to have to watch the movie now.. real life.. cuz I heard it was GOOD! HOnestly!

if not- while you were sleeping is funny.. legally blond makes me laugh... my big fat greek wedding too.

I don't hear any OTHER movie suggestions!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Shelle! You make me smile so wide. And I even broke out into a full facial grin and then burst out laughing by the end of your comment.

Hahahhahahah I HAVE GOT to do a triplet collage. But we will both need to take a photo of ourselves with a clown nose and glasses on. Hee hee. I almost did do a twin photo.

You are so uber cute. Glad you're my twin.

April. There is no way you won't recover now with all of this positive chi and kharm coming at your from the blogiverse. Or is it Khi and Charma?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hows a bout the painted veil?

And you're right Swirl. We SHOULD watch it. Let's do.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, there is so much love and pain flying around here that I don't know where to start.

First, thanks everyone for an uplifting heart-fest. Shelle, I'm sorry Pioneer Woman didn't show up to give us tips about her shiny hair. I will guarantee she had it Japanese straightened. Have you guys heard of that? It's permanent silky straight. You just have to have it touched up once a year. It's expensive though. Several hundred bucks.

But Shelle, your hair is already silky straight.

I hope Tamn does show up for the retreat. That would turn the whole thing into a lurve-fest. It would be oober fun to put down a few diet cokes with Tamners.

But for reals . . . Anjeny I'm going to start with you.

Thanks for sharing your experience with your brother. That is heart breaking. If any of you have read my sister site you might have figured out my dad also died of his own volition. Drug related. Anjeny go read my story "Letting Daddy Die" I was grappling with those questions. WHAT do people think about right before they KNOW this is it. I'm so curious too!

LY Anjeny!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Blogging Mama. I am so sorry. My sister also lost her baby and her ability to have more kids. Double Whammy. It's been so painful for her. She LOOOONGS for more children.

Robin/Toad, WOW. What an ordeal. HUGE HUGS! My hubby and I went through several dry years and had a few miscarriages before we were able to get it right. I have endometriosis. I used to pray and pray that I'd be able to have kids. Then I got all four of them all boom boom boom within 4 years. Seriously. I would say be careful what you pray for, but that's just not appropriate right now.

I agree with Nutty Hamster Chick. April YOU better be able to blog for 2 weeks. We want to hear all about it step by step.

How awesome that T is going to bring you some soup. T, tell her it's from ME too. hee hee

That's why I live in Hawaii. Then I never have to bring soup to anyone. hee hee

T I am so sorry about your loss! LY, T!! Thanks for being honest about it. I needed to hear that. My sis would never say that.

For the record, my sis and I are very close and she is the kindest, most generous person on the face of the planet. She's FUNNY too.

Robin, good luck with your surgery.

Mariko, you don't look superstitious at all in that photo! hee hee

Nevadanista HIGH FIVE! hee hee

Gosh, who is ever going to read all this. I am so long winded, eh?

SIGH! I just don't want anyones pain to be overlooked. Or feel freakin' ignored like freakin' Jami did.

Miss Hiedi. That was beautiful. Thanks.

I have enjoyed this retreat IMMENSELY! My cup runneth over.

I'm gonna CRASH now! Get it? CRASH!

Ah, I kill myself.

Anjeny said...

Aww Crash, LY too. I'm sorry about your dad too. I will go read your sister's blog in a lil bit.
I didn't mean to put a downer on this fun retreat. Robin has a really interesting view about what the person probably feel in that instant it's happening.
Sad thing about my brother is that I felt somehow responsible for a while and I even blamed my mom to the point where I thought I might even hate her. But time does heal all wounds. I mean I feel sad and regrets about all the things I am not able to do with him but the pain is not as sharp as back then.
Ok..we are suppose to be laughing our sides off.
Swirl...step away from that dvd!! Oh hey, I thought we were going to sneak over to Martha's and egg her blog. Come Crash and Swirl, I dare you, I double dare you!!

Kritta22 said...

What kinda retreat ends at 11pm?? It's only 1:30am here!

Do you think I'm addicted to blogging?

So all y'alls are asleep again huh? Well I'll be nice tonight and just talk to the ceiling.

But if someone starts snoring, it's fair game!

Word thingy: alright this is freaking creepy, BLESS. Not joke. I kid you NOT!

I got people bumps!

Kritta22 said...

K so I wasn't going to comment because my internet stopped working but I tried to fall asleep and I kept thinking about all I wanted to say!!

First off, April...you are a strong woman! My heart goes out to you. I so hope you can blog for those two weeks cuz I'll be visiting you in blogland. I wish I could bring you soup and a magazine or two but I'm pretty sure you don't live in Alaska.

WV: cruessu it's cruel that U have to go through that April. You are a hero in my eyes!

Kritta22 said...

I'm so sorry for all those that have lost children. I can't even imagine what that is like.

I had a miscarriage before Connor. I can't even think how it would be like if I got to hold the little one.

Kritta22 said...

Writing in the sand is a wonderful idea...so healing! Thank you for that!

Kritta22 said...

I'm so glad we all have each other here. It's awesome how this bloggy world helps so many people.

Speaking of helping...maybe you guys could help me with getting something off my chest.

It's going to take some writing so pass the 7up please. Do we have caramel corn?

Kritta22 said...

We're all friends here right? I feel like I'm just getting to know some of you but I sent Crash a quilt so we're cool right?

Anyway I hope no one comments on my blog about this. My sister reads it and that would be WAY drama!

Anyway Chris and I have struggled with having kids. We both want a lot of children...5-6 but we wouldn't turn down 8. We started trying to have children as soon as we were married. No luck.

We FINALLY got pregnant after almost 18 months of trying, to loose the little one at 7 weeks. (yes I was throwing up at 5 weeks so that's how we knew.) Anyway we got prego with Connor pretty quick after...thank goodness. Something else to focus on besides my miscarriage.

Oh wait, we have to back up...well I was pregnant/ having a miscarriage my sister would call and complain about her throwing up too. Me in my own world, thought she was homesick...freshmen at college and probably caught a cold in the dorms. It happens to the best of us. So we shared throwing up stories.

I fly into town for my best friend's wedding, still barffing and at that point prego but knew I was miscarrying. I had a D&C schedule the day after I got back home. It was horrible to know that I was carrying something died around. Anyway we are driving down to Seattle for pictures in front of the temple. My sister calls me to tell me she is in Seattle too.

What for you ask? To have an abortion!!! She was at the last day you could possibly abort without a doctor's reason. She had to do it that day. She wanted me to give her a ride home if her boyfriend couldn't make it. I made up some lame excuse but I was dying inside.

She just killed a baby. A baby that I sooo desperately wanted. That I would have loved and held and all the good things. I would have raised it for her. Heck I even thought about just trading embryos while they were up there.

Needless to say, this put a huge weight on our relationship.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey Kritta22, come ere YOU! Let me give you a big hug.

ain't it amazin' the things you can dump out of your bucket at 1:00a.m.

And I'm not even s'possed to be up, but I kept tossing and turning and finally decided to get up and finish my reading schedule for class NOW, since I'm awake, rather than at 5:20 am when I'm in a blog fog. (Got class at 7:30)

SIGH! Here's a Mountain Dew sis. Code Red. The hard stuff.

I'm glad you got Conner. I had 3 miscarriages and so I know how touch that stuff can be. Can you have any more?

I have to say I'm worried about your sis. That can't be easy to deal with. I wish I could hug her. Empty her bucket. Or carry it. Maybe you can carry for a spell.

Kritta22 said...

Are you guys snoring at my story or or your just snoring?

Okay I need some tissues and another 7up...

K so years have passed. I now have my wonderful little boy Connor. He is such a ray of sunshine in the state of freezing Alaska.

I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Now we have been trying to make Connor a brother or sister since the day I was cleared to have sex. We knew how long it took with Connor so we didn't want to waste time. I'm not a Spring chick either.

So this month is our 18 month mark. We would love to go to a fertility clinic BUT the military doesn't pay for it. We don't have money for extras like cable let alone a couple thousand dollars for doctors.

My sister came up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was throwing up most of the time. My first thought went to her drinking and hangovers. (I'm a convert to the church. Only one in my family.)
When she kept throwing up, I jumped to pregnancy. She asked my mom about tubial pregnancies just before they came here. She texted me saying she had the worse cramps EVER with no blood.

So I'm pretty sure, in fact, I would bet my last pee stick on the fact that she is having a miscarriage right now.

I want to be supportive. I want to be a big sister. I want my Mormon charity brain to kick in and be nice to her. be thoughtful, be caring...

But I seriously don't like her right now. I'm not going to use the hate word cuz it's not that strong. It's a 'I really hate that you are a fertile mertile and don't even want kids...and I'm sitting here charting out my vag mucus to see if I'm broken or not..kinda feeling.'

I understand that she is having a miscarriage and that means something was wrong. I can name ten nights off the top of my head that involved excessive drinking, that would do that. I know that Heavenly Father took that baby away from her so she wouldn't kill again.

It's just so tough to watch her suffer in pain and discomfort when I want to comfort her. But the other side of my brain says she deserves it all for even thinking about killing another baby.

My mom had fertility issues too. She knows what is happening with my sister too.

She says I need to be charitable. I need to just put this aside and be a sister.

If she was anyone else in the world, besides my sister, I would probably not talk to her.

WV: subprot....support with twisted around letters. freaky again!

Kritta22 said...

Do I write novels or what??

Just think if I started a new comment between each paragraph like usual!!

Kritta22 said...

SO girls over pancakes, I need some suggestions to get over this. To grow up and put my big girl panties on.

Any suggestions will help!

Are we doing this tomorrow too?

How come you aren't on my blogroll Crash?

If I go make homemade cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting, will you guys help a sister out??

The Crash Test Dummy said...

suprot.

subprot can be rotten, but necessary.

subprot. Your sister's story is like a rotten subplot to your life.

But sometimes the rotten subplots are the only way for us to overcome our own barriers.

Kritta, maybe you will free your body up to conceive if you totally let go and love your sister through this, even though you hate her.

We'll all send you some positive kharma!

LY, KRITTA 22. You're quilt will mean so much more to me now.

Kritta22 said...

Thanks Crash! You made this old grumpy, sister-hatin' chick cry!

I heart you too!

Have you got that quilt yet?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yea Kritta, how come I'm not on your blogroll?

ANd YES, we want the cinnamon rolls.

And of course we'll be doing this tomorrow. Although I'll probably have to crash at some piont during the night/day. Get it, CRASH!

ah, I kill myself.

Kritta, can you see me here? I feel invisible.

Oh, and that is so wierd my verifier said BLESS. Seriously!

My verifier is a psychic.

Kritta22 said...

To be honest, cuz that's what this post is about I can't believe you said I kill myself right after Anjeny talked about her brother and friends suicide. You took my breath away!

I would have thrown a pillow at you in real life!

That's a good idea about just letting it go and just being there for her...not judging. It's hard.

3 miscarriages..you are a strong cookie too!

Kritta22 said...

OK so I gotta ask while it's just a fine ladies in here... do you totally wear your bathing suit like all the time??

It would be soooo hard for me to live in Hawaii and have to wear "underwear" if you get my drift!

maybe that's why I started out here in Alaska wearing them. More layers the better. In fact, I even have the long sleeve and pants ones. They are pretty on the bottom with lace.

Probably don't see a lot of those in Hawaii.

Kritta22 said...

I have a feeling you went to sleep writing out your schedule! i totally would!

anyway I'm going to go add you to my blogroll right now and check my email. I'll be back tomorrow with bells on.

Kritta22 said...

Oh I was going to check that box again...here's to comment following!

Kritta swiggs the last of the 7up and belches the ABC's to L without stopping. I really can do that. I've made it to Q before.

Later Gators!

Stephen said...

April, good luck! I am now leaving to work in tears, thinking of April and My other sister Melanie.

I am LoW said...

Again, I'm too late.

*sigh*

How late do I need to stay up to be a part of the CTD's partays/retreat??

Just call me Jan Brady. Or Lucy Camden. Either works. :)

Jami said...

Crash, no killing yourself. Really. Love you.

robin said...

Kritta, that is no easy thing dealing with the feelings you have. Infertility and losing a child are things that break our hearts not just once but over and over. The green monster of jealousy just compounded it for me when I would see how easily others would get pregnant and each month I was "failing" again. What eased the pain and got me through were understanding friends and family, and lots and lots and LOTS of prayer to bring me peace even though I didn't know how or when children would come to my family. Good luck with your sister and finding a way to have peace with her.

Sandi said...

just got up and had to come here to read what happened after I left. Pretty deep stuff. I hope everyone's bucket is truly lighter- and thanks Crash for helping everyone out and sharing the lurve!

robin said...

Hey Crash, I was in your neck of the woods a few weeks ago vacationing on Kauai in December. My husband's company was there for work so I tagged along for a week. can I say bliss? The weather was beautiful this year (versus almost total rain on last year's trip). I didn't get to whales ... again... but my favorite moment was snorkeling and seeing a huge sea turtle. I love the way he/she swam so effortlessly and gracefully (AWAY FROM ME :( sadly) yet here I was with my silly flippers wiggling my body trying to keep up. It was an amazing 15 seconds. get that??? from start to finish he/she was GONE in 15 seconds. but soooooo cool!!!!

It is still my dream to go whale watching and swim with a dolphin (even though I'm terrified by animals larger than a big dog... frankly I'm terrified of dogs too!!)

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Alrighty- joining the party late but better late than never right?

I have some "weight" that I would like to get out of my buckets. I have had 4 miscarriages (weird Crash...I didn't know you had any)and I feel like everyone dismissed them.
I had a hard time getting pregnant and keeping Annabelle. She was our little miracle. After our fist 2 we began having problems and it took 6 years to have Annabelle. I have pcos and it was a struggle to have her and I had complications after the birth and the miscarriages nearly did me in.
We decided that she would be our last because it is so hard emotionally and physically for me. I honestly don't think my uterus could handle it. It wouldn't contract after I had Annabelle and I got really sick..yadi yadi. So I tell all my family our decision and a few people make me feel like I am "bad" for not bringing more children to a good family on this earth, and guilt me for my decision. It hurts me so badly that they can't see the pain I feel all the time about it. I;m crying now. I want more but it is too dangerous. And do I have 4 children in heaven??? How does the whole miscarriage thing work ya know. I grieved and nobody cared. Everyone acted like it was no big deal. It was to me and still is. I think about it all the time.

Ok- I am done. Sorry for the long old rant.

Barbaloot said...

Well...I can't do any bucket dumping in the way of lost children what with my not being married and all. However, sometimes I feel like my half-siblings don't count me as their sister. And I hate it. They have pictures of them with their "whole" family---the seven boys. What about the other five of us? We're part of their family, too.

PS-did the curly haired boy answer when you called?

Barbaloot said...

Kritta---just read your comments. So sorry to hear about the suffering you've had-and everyone else here, too. How weird/awesome that we can all get on here and "talk." Bless Crash for her retreat!

CaJoh said...

I was about to say "Don't TP Old Boat Guy— he has a shotgun"… but then you gave a shout out to him so you probably already know.

Me said...

This will be two comments in a row from Me. And I was just perfecting my stance as the in-house wall flower...

Too bad I don't have anything witty or charming to say. I do however want to Thank You for sharing the information about 'Stepping Stones and Stumbling Blocks' blog.

robin said...

Emily, it is so hard when you are grieving about something - whatever it may be- and you don't have the support or understanding that you need. I found myself being very vocal about my infertility for two reasons... 1/ I wanted people to understand what infertility was about and that I wasn't childless by choice (aka back off with your judgements of me) and 2/ I was seeking out kindred spirits who knew how I was feeling or could comfort me in my pain. I was surprised that people who I thought would be comforting weren't but at the same time by being open and vocal I came in contact with new people that brought me comfort. I must say though that I'm lucky to have April who has ALWAYS been a great listening ear even if she has not experienced the same thing as I have. some people are just good that way but most aren't so I did have to accept that not everyone is going to give you what you need all the time because they haven't experienced it or they don't know what to say. I don't always know what to say when others are in pain and so sometimes all I can do is my best which feels lame at times and I hope that others are brought to them which can do a better job than I did. am I making any sense or just rambling??? man I need more sleep!!!

April said...

Kritta-what I have learned most about being hurt is that if you accept that you are hurt and allow yourself to feel the pain, then you heal much quicker than if you try to dismiss the pain. Dismissing the pain in a way is like dismissing that your feelings are real. They are real. Something that I have learned is you can visit the pain and hurt but you don't build your house there. Once you allow yourself to feel then you are free to move on to the next step of healing. Just know that you have a lot of people here who may not know exactly what you are going through, but they love you and don't want to see you hurting.

Emily-I'm sorry that your pain was taken lightly. That hurts! When I was trying to get pregnant with our third child I was having difficulty and had to go to a specialist. I was told there would be no third child. The endometriosis and polycystic ovaries had won their battle. I was sad to only have two. But, grateful to have two. I realized that one of my boys would have been lost had he been born into a larger family. Things eventually work out. It may not be how we have envisioned them. We have to re-evaluate our hopes and dreams and make new ones. That's ok. It's hard and heart breaking. But we can grow from it. And frankly, sometimes others are just stupid! I am allergic to them you know! ( I think you might be too.)

SWIRL said...

ZZZZZZZZZZzzz {snort} huh?
Oh Darn!
I fell asleep again!

Kristi22
{{hugs}}
I'm so sorry- that sounds awful.
But I think comparing is what is making you miserable.
She has her challenges here to face.. you have yours...
It really doesn't do any good to compare ourselves with others because judgment day .. it's not graded on "a curve" you know?

He will not compare us to others.. He will compare us to what we were given.. and what we did with it.

In High school I had a younger brother that got alot of attention. He had issues being adopted and turned to drugs and other such things to cover his pain. My parents would pour attention and $$ at him. (He's interested in rock climbing? They go out and buy all the gear. He is interested in skateboarding? They built a half-pipe in our house- no lie. It was like a big- unfinished storage space on the side of the house.) He was struggling in school.. they bought him a lap-top to do his homework on. At first I was hurt. I felt over-looked, under appreciated. My parents rarely came to any of my sporting events in High school because they were afraid to leave him alone. (Actually my whole senior year my dad-in the Navy- was gone. So my poor mom was struggling with this alone.)

Anyway. At first I felt awful about it.But when I started feeling sorry for myself and was throwing a HUGE pity party for myself THEN I realized... his life is no picnic. He is in real pain... and these material things aren't patching up the hurt.

Seeing my parents scramble and try EVERYTHING to help him... made me actually feel secure. IF I ever was struggling, or had a problem... my parents are willing to do anything to help me. (build a half-pipe in the house, so I'm not skateboarding around town with my drug friends getting into trouble...)
But... thankfully .. I'm not in any pain, I'm not struggling. I was very active in church and seminary and I think this perspective was "a gift" from being spiritually in-tune.

I was able to love him, not judge him, listen and just accept him. My mom and I became very close my senior year. We became real friends- we cried together, hugged, it was a really really hard time in my life- but I can say it also was a time where I built some spiritual strength.

okay- long enough post... you get the picture.

pass the surrup- these banana pancakes are YUMMY!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

April and Robin...you are both awesome and said some very good things and gave me great advice. I am very grateful I have the 3 children I have. I know life will be very full with them. I think what I hate most is the judgements of a select few in my family. Like I am making the choice and that is is out of selfishness that I am not having anymore children. I guess I feel very judged and that is what really hurts. I am allergic to those kinds of people too :)

Mariko said...

OH! I forgot to say how cute your pictures were.
Sorry, I'm always the first to fall asleep at slumber parties. Plus I snore.
I wish I had cute old pictures like that. Well, I do, but they're too depressing to look at.

Mariko said...

April, sorry, I fell asleep too early, and was kind of dozing during the first few comments. Good luck! I love your header on your blog. It is the cutest. I think that every time I look at it. Definitely having a cute family must help keep you strong!
I am suddenly remembering a bucket I want to pour. When my FIL was in his last days I felt really weird about being around him. So I mostly stayed away while everyone else helped. I'm a totally evil selfish person. He was acting crazy and didn't really know who I was. A year after his death my husband told me I wasn't very sympathetic. I thought I was! I come from a very no-touchy feely family and my own parents would probably be mortified by any extra attention. It has taken me many years just to be more normal, I think. I'm still not that good at it.

I am LoW said...

Alright- here is what my bucket is filled with.

I can't share personal stories. I keep them inside and pretend everything is perfect and my childhood was perfect, even though. I read what others say and have similar stuff, but could never EVER tell them.

Is that bad? :)

(no really, is it?)

Anjeny said...

Wow Crash, you are on your 107th comments. Ok, this one makes it 108.

I just want to say thanks crash for this particular post..thanks for getting us bored mormon blogging mommies together to pour out our full buckets and even carry each other's buckets for a spell. A real sweet thing you've done. I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages, four! I don't know if I can even have one and survived it.

Kritta, I hope you find the peace you need to help your sister. It was one of the things that bothered me you know. There are women out there who have no problem getting pregnant and having babies they do not want and then people like you, robin and Emily who I know would give these kids all the love they deserve are struggling to have just one. It's almost like a big joke God is playing on us..not be blasphemic or anything like that. I used to do foster care and the first kid I fostered was a baby I brought home from the hospital when he was only four days old. His mom didn't want him and threatened to kill him, that pissed me off totally. I adopted that baby.

Emily and robin, do know you have a sister in gospel who understand what you're going through, not that I've ever lost a child, but just the thought of losing one is very devastating for me. I will carry ur bucket for you for however long you want me too and know there is a listening and sypathetic ear here for you. I admire you both for the strength you have in dealing with your problem.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my helk! I have SOOOOOO much to say, but I just got back from my class and now I promised my boys we'd do a boys day since they start school next week. So I have only a limited time to say

WOW! Girls, this retreat is awesome! I can relate to so many of your feelings. Everyone can. And everyone has a story. TONS of stories. And the best part is that everyone is so supportive of each other.

GROUP HUG, everyone! LY, everyone!

Robin, you are officially the CTD social worker. Maybe I'll call you Dr. Toad. OR Toadphrah.

Low, that's not a bad way, but It's a HARD way. But sometimes the easiest way. As long as it's not displayed in unhealthy ways.

Mariko, I understand. I don't know how to deal sometimes either. So awkward. But also sad when the person you love shows you where you're insensative, according to his sensativity model.

Barb. THAT IS SO TRUE! OMGOSH! You nailed it. I'm sorry you feel that way. We put a lot of emphasis on being MARRIED in our church culture. And then on having CHILDREN. It's so hard when you don't fit the mold.

Emily. I KNOW. I KNOW. No one takes a miscarriage seriously, first of all. I used to hate it when people would say "oh, you're so young. You have plenty of time to have other kids." And then I'd haul off and hit them. And then add the danger factor. Melanie had the same problem and has been strongly advised NOT to have more kids. I think it's cruel to make someone who is already grieving over NOT being able to have more children feel SELFISH for it. I know exactly which side of the family you're talking about.

LET ME EMPTY THAT EMPTY BUCKET FOR YOU, Girl, because you don't have any reason to feel guilty.

OH I HAVE TO GO. DON'T say anything until I get back, okay.

Tee hee



Thanks Ajeny! Thanks Swirl. Thanks

April said...

Thanks Mariko! I think they are pretty cute too! I just too tell the 17 year old too much...must keep him humble for a little while longer! hehehehe... I'm sorry about your hurt over your FIL. We all come from different backgrounds and cultures and family styles. It can take a while to blend it into a functioning family unit.

LoW- I have only been coming here for a short time, but you always seem so sweet and talking so nicely. Who are we to judge if that is wrong for you or not? You know you best. If you are happy then it must be working. The only one that can carry our buckets forever is the Lord. Friends are awesome at helping us out here and there, but for long term carrying, it is Christ who will relieve us of the weight.

I am so uncomfortable being so serious for so long....I feel like I am preaching...sorry!

April said...

PS Crash....I LOVE either nickname for Robin..errrr..I mean Toadphrah/ Dr. Toad. Do you see why I moved closer to her? She's awesome!!

What an awesome idea you had Crash, and such a great metaphor too....dumping our buckets! LOVE IT!

I am LoW said...

Thanks Crash and April! :-)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Helk! All these comments. Now I see why you only have time for the uber important blogs. I wish I could hang out here more--you guys are having too much fun!

Haynsy said...

I had a great quote about your MIL's "comma" and then read the rest of the blog about babies. We've seen two children in our ward pass in 3 years. Very difficult challenges for the families and the families praying for them.

I'll save my quote for a more inappropriate time.

God bless you women, we may toil but you love.

Motherboard said...

THanks for the information on the stepping stones blog. I lost a baby at 14 weeks 2 years ago. Broke my heart completely.

I just had a baby (well--10 months ago) and was pregnant with 2 other women in my ward-- 1 had her baby 2 weeks before me, and her baby died. The other lady had her baby 2 weeks after me-- and her baby died.

I feel guilty every time I see them... I HAVE my baby every single day to love and squish and hold and kiss, and they don't.

Your blog is my new favorite blog! For reals.

Emily said...

Holy Helk, Thanks for the loves. All this going on and nobody invited me. I have to come around to knock on the door and nobody's home and that's cuz they're all over at my freakin house! (or blog)

THANKS for sharing my sites, I 'preciate 'cha like crazy.

I'm sorry for anyone who ever needs to visit my stepping stones blog. But while you're over there, why not sign up as a follower? Cuz my world needs more followers.

If anyone wants us to write a baby's name for them send me an email at nickwilberg@ hotmail.com I'm the brains and Swirl is the brawn. She is such a good sister to do this for us.

Thanks Crash!

word verifier says 'nesses' like Loch Nesses Monster- our underwater ally

Ter said...

I found your blog via Stepping Stones... I am a bereaved mom too.

The world needs more caring people, so I thank you for being one of them.