Thursday, January 1, 2009

This is NOT a post so please don't read it

This is just me, writing down some notes for my new novel. Private stuff. None of your beeswax.

I. Must. Write. A. Book. I must. I must. I must. Before I bust. Because I've sworn off murmuring on my blog, and my heart has now turned to sharing the lurve, even though my microwave totally blew up in my face when I told it to warm up some of my leftover ham and potato pie. Seriously, it shot me a full body glare that numbed me from head to toe, hot white sparks and all, (and then it warmed up the pie for me.) My MIL saw the whole thing (while she was standing too close to me, BLESS HER HEART.)

But I will not be deterred. Lurve is more important than laughs. All you need is lurve.

But when I do write my book. It will be a light hearted comedy about a cute, sweet, elderly man, bless his heart, who's front tooth falls out of it's root canal. His DIL will call the dentist right away and make an appointment, but he will refuse to go because it costs $60. So his DIL will offer to pay the $60, but he will force her at gunpoint to break the appointment.

This is where the plot will thicken and the story line will get comedic. The cute, sweet, elderly man will try and try to fix his own tooth. And the climax will occur when his DIL unveils his secret plotting with glue guns and hot wax. And the DIL will catch him with her tired, tired, patient husband, in the act of spreading every glue in the house, including caulk and seam adhesive, across the kitchen table to consider the options.

I'm quite sure it will be a suspenseful novel too. I will make the DIL mentally unbalanced so no one will know when she's going to pop. At one point she will begin yelling at her children and her know-it-all-son will say to her "You don't have to yell," which will make her yell LOUDER. And he will say to her, "Why are you yelling?" And she will yell, "BECAUSE I CAN. AND BECAUSE I WANT TO!" And he will say, "But why would you want to?" Which will make her YELL with all her heart, might and strength, until she has yelled her lungs out!

And then, five minutes later, in the next chapter, she will come downstairs and find her MIL whispering suspiciously to her know-it-all son on the couch. When the MIL sees her DIL, she will nervously depart saying she needs to go brush her teeth.

And the DILs eyes will narrow and she will say to her know-it-all son, "What did SHE say?" And he will tell her, "She said to turn it to channel 14, because The Price is Right is on."

And then he will turn to her and look her right in the eye and say, "That's what SHE said."

And then he will look away and whisper under his breath, "But you didn't hear it from me."

And when she turns to walk away, he will say to her, "Bless YOUR heart, mom."

Too bad truth isn't as strange as fiction! Just think of all the books I could write if it were.

I will be back with my regular posts tomorrow. And I WILL START SHARING THE LURVE SWEET LURVE, so help me Gad!

(P.S. Don't steal my ideas okay.)


Barbaloot said...

You do realize when you tell me not to read I'm going to anyway. And I will hope that it's full of secrets and shocking things.

April said...

Pretend I am not here writing this, and not here LOL'ing and LTMS (laughing to myself). And pretend that while I am laughing I am more than anything wishing that you were on a Game Show, and that the Game Show could be ended at any time instead of in a couple of weeks. And on that game show with you is Kelly Pickler, and Kelly gets dropped through a hole in the floor back to her own home. THE END.

PS-Pass the can of whip cream please.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Bbwwaaaahaaaaa! I can't for the life of me think why I (at first) thought you must be talking about the Old Boat Guy. But then I realized you have your own elderly man in your very own house and that was when things got pretty hysterical (and a bit concerning--b/c we know--wink wink--those last three or four paragraphs were not fiction--WHY 42 DAYS?! I just don't get it . . . .)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HEY! Why are you guys here? This was my own private rumanationing.

But since you're here. hee hee hee.

I wish I was on a game show too! I'm out of whipped cream April, but here's a V8.

Heidi. Don't you know it takes 42 days a year to learn your lessons?

But seriously, it just happens to be 42 days. It's not really 42 days every year. Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less. But it is EVERY year.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I still say you should win a million dollars. And maybe you should make up some challenges to make it seem more like survivor. And maybe some of those challenges could involve whip cream pie throwing. You know like that one Brady Bunch episode where they have Oliver and they go to the TV lot I don't remember why but probly mostly just so they can throw pies at each other. Any way that is the kind of family therapy I am recommending. And I saw TV land is having a Brady Bunch marathon but I am watching the Monk one while I try to do my puzzle and stop every 3 seconds to help my son get ready to go to a friends house. I would like to hit him in the face with a pie right about now. Vent over.

corstoot- maybe something like toot sweet, or cors tooth which might mean use beer to glue the tooth back.

Melanie J said...

I have a beef with you. Lately, I've had several lurk days where I just read people's blogs with no intention of commenting because it's the holidays and I can be selfish if I want to. But then I read your blog, and I HAVE to comment. So please stop doing that. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd check with me before you post so that if I'm going to have a lurk day, you can either a) not post or b) post something no good.

Thank you.

Jami said...

You are going to be a MILLIONAIRE! I don't know why, because I didn't read your post. But I just have this feeling that it has something to do with a best-selling series and some adhesive.

Mariko said...

Oh, you are so going to make a million bucks with that book. And not the Monopoly kind, either.
Of course you were invited to my food porn party. But it was for The Office fans only, which is why I couldn't tell you out loud, because then your IL's would have been offended, and I would have had to say, "My bad."
You are officially invited to the next food porn party.

Jen said...

I didn't read it. I would never disobey such blatant orders. This post could have been about anything - writing, in-laws, The Police, dental mishaps - ANYTHING.

And I wouldn't know.

Because I'm soooo obedient.

Do I get caramacs now?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Nutty Hamster Chick, hee hee hee hee. I LOVE your ideas, especially your pie throwing therapy idea. I've always wanted to throw a pie in someone's face.

I love The Brady Bunch. Did you know, and I'm not lying, Bobby Brady is my 2nd cousin. I've followed his brother Todd around at a family reunion when I was 10 years old because he was so cute.

Melanie, OKAY! I will check with you next time I want to post. Can I post now?

Jami and Mariko, I so hope you both had the same millionare revelation. And Jami and Jen, thank you for your obedience. I wish there were more people like you in the world who respected boundaries and privacy and personal space.

Mariko, NO WONDER I didn't get invited. DRAT. But does Colleen like The Office? I seriously doubt it.

Jillybean said...

So what kid of glue did he end up using?
Or rather, what kind of glue would someone use if they were a purely fictional character in a book and their tooth fell out?
And what would make their tooth fall out?

Mariko said...

Oh, we're an Office loving party over here. You can consider it your Office safe haven if you want.
But the real reason I didn't invite you is 'cause I thought you didn't really eat, since you're so skinny, and it would be so much funnier for you to whine about not being invited on your blog than to actually come. YES! I love giving you material.

Mariko said...

Oh, I love it when I can't see the word verification, because then I can hit the handicapped button and listen to the crazy ghosts. Only wheelchairs can really hear what they're saying.

Kritta22 said...

I was a good girl and didn't read it but now I'm thinkin I missed something! Gosh dang it...make up your mind.
Or me and my Alaskan redneck ways are going to pay you a visit!

I am LoW said...

I didn't read it as asked, but I am going to confess to being a little worried about you, what with all your faux cussing and faux taking the Lord's name in vain. Is it the IL's, honey? Cause they ain't worth all the sinnin'. Let's talk this one through.... Let us help you get through this.... HELP us HELP you.


♥georgie♥ said...

is this what they call thinking outloud? ;-)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Georgie, I like your new profile pic. How cute. And yes, just thinking out loud.

Lo, how funny you want to do an intervention, when I'm doing an intervention for Tamn today. hee hee I try to keep it G rated for you, girl. Hence the charming faux cursing.

Mariko, thanks for thinking of me and my blog. You are so self sacrificing. And I don't know what the helk (sorry, Lo) you're talking about. Only wheelchairs can hear it? It must be late.

Okay, Jilly Bean, THANK YOU for being curious. My fictional cute sweet FIL would use hot glue and then wood glue, but no, gluing your teeth back into your mouth doesn't work.

Just so you know.

Colleen said...

I do like The Office, but I have been informed (by Adam) our Family Office Fan Club President, that coolness is not defined by liking The Office, too many Americans watch/like it, and they can't all be cool, but, lack of coolness is certainly defined by not liking the office. I can imagine why you might doubt I would like it considering I can't take a joke, although when I was five or something like that, my mean older brother said, "Can't you take a joke?" and I replied, "Can't you take a cry?" Can you take a cry?

So what do the really cool people watch (besides this blog:) ?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay Colleen, this may be a good place for therapy. I could open up a little therapy station like Lucy on Charlie Brown, right here in my comment box. (Thanks for the inspiration, btw).

I've been thinking on this. I didn't really think too hard about whether or not you would like The Office. I just say things to lash out a Mariko. I try to find ways to poke her in the eye. But since we talked about this last night I thought hmmmmm would Colleen like The Office? Hmmmm. It could have gone either way. I can see you totally liking it. You're sharp as a tack. But I will confess I didn't tell you about my blog because I thought you might not GET it. It is pretty GOOFY, so maybe a part of me did think you might not like The Office. Not that you're not totally cool.

I have to disagree with Adam. If you like The Office, you're automatically COOL. But if you don't like it, you're not automatically UNCOOL. Lo doesn't like it and she's cool. Melanie J. doesn't like it and she's cool.

I would like to watch it with Adam though so I can have someone to ROTFLOL with.

That will be 25 cents for the therapy. Just leave your credit card number in my box. ;)

Colleen said...


Of course, some of my favorite people don't like The Office, (my DH and DS, both of which, by common consent are extraordinarily cool). It was just a little poke back. But, I think MFOYF and NBATTBMFOB are even better.

P.S. I know what you mean about not GETting it. That's why I haven't told you about my blog.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Colleen, I totally forgot to give you the therapy last night that you paid for.

I was going to say that maybe your mean older brother is the reason you don't cry!

And even though I'm the queen of acronymns I have no idea what your talking about.

And I have checked out your blog before and I totally got it because there's lots of cool pictures from the 70's and lots of love.