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Monday, January 12, 2009

DANGER! KEEP OUT! DO NOT ENTER!

I swear I have no privacy anymore!!!!!!

My niece (in-law) Facebooked my daughter and said, "Everyone in the fam is talking about the blog. Which posts should I read to laugh at grandma?"

Then my husband's sister called and said, "Which posts should I read to chuckle at my mom?"

I was like, "Huh?"


UGH! How did THEY find me here?

So I spent the day curled up under my covers feeling blogged down and singing, "Make the World Go Away."

I just want to poke people in the eye, bloggonit! Is that so wrong?

Can't a girl poke her loved one's in the eye without making the whole world blind?

So here's the plan. If any of THEM show up and start asking around, just act DUMB, like, what MIL? I didn't even know she had an MIL!

Mahalo a million!

But fo' reals . . . I totally love Kellie Pikler, you guys know that, right? She was my 17th favorite American Idol. Alls I was sayin' was I didn't want to spend eternity in her family history class. Nothing against Pikler, bless her heart, I just think FH is a yawner and I'd rather play Rock Band and inhale whipped cream.

Can I ask your opinion? Since I am now aware that there are people duct taped to me through marriage reading this blog I should refrain from calling the Gads crazy and taking Tamn's name in vain, right?

Btw, Miss Heidi was wondering who started saying helk first and I raised me hand.

I did! I did! I did!

I told her I will sell it to her if I decide to go off kreativ kursing.

(FTR, those of you who insinuated I got released because of my irreverent blog, you couldn't be more WRONG. Bishop swore it had nothing to do with the nude beach or the pleasant profanity or the breaking of commandments or the happy German or the apostate brother thing.

He told me my times was up because I had already given every single pyrex baking dish and tupperware bowl away to feed my sheep. And don't tell me I should buy tinfoil pans and disposable Gladware. Everyone knows you have a better shot at heaven (and you don't have to feed your kids) if you martyr your best dishes.)

EMBARRASSING MOMENT: The Crash Test Dummy is taking over my personality. Today I said "ginormous" in front of my whole class during my lecture. Uhhh . . . can you say classy teacher of the year? Melanie J. would have slapped me silly.

Speaking of my classes, Wolfgang from Austria has moved on, but now I've got Raphael from France to smack around. He's a beat boxer. Beat boxer's are easy to smack around from what I hear.

I just hope the French are as tremendous as the Austrians.

I've also got a Benjamin Buttars. He wants to be called Ben, but I call him Benjamin Button, or Button, for short. I asked him how old he is and he said 21, so I bet he's like 61.

And then I have a guy who can bend his leg backwards 180 degrees and a girl who was born with a tooth in her mouth.

BORN WITH A TOOTH IN HER MOUTH, people!!!!

My class and I . . . we're thinking of blowing this BYU-H taco stand and running off to join the circus. Don't say anything though. It all depends on what kind of Christmas bonus Barnum and Bailey dishes out.

Okay, last question. I wasn't going to show you this because I know Sandi will mock me, but look!


This is my arm right now.

I know, right!?

Do you think this is that smokin' hot vampire's way of telling me, via a straightening iron burn, that he's in love with me, and that he's sorely tempted to suck my blood, but he will abstain because he respects me that way?

I mean how else could a fictional vampire communicate his love, you know what I mean?

PEACE OUT, Peeps!

58 comments:

Kristina P. said...

What the?!?!? How did that happen? Are those regular iron burns?

Is it wrong that I am laughing at you?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, it's probably wrong that you're laughing at me.

hee hee

That happened just before my first class. I hadn't used my straightener in like a month so apparently I forgot how. YEA, it was painful giving my first lecture without any ice.

Seriously I have not idea how it got to be shaped like a vampire digging in. A mystery only Stephanie Myer can explain.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Just how long did you let the iron sit there before you took it off? That burn could not have been done just in an instant. I know you're a crash test dummy, but I didn't think you were a real dummy. ;)

I kid, I kid. I kid because I love.

The whole family thing scares me. I've so wanted to say something about my MIL on my blog, but didn't. Then, out of the blue, my MIL left a comment on my blog! AHHHHH!!! Who told her? So, glad I didn't go there.

verifier: prevo, almost provo. You're getting there!

Jami said...

Crash, Heidi, be at peace. The urban dictionary has an entry. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=helk Neither of you invented it. It is the invention of the devil who heads up helk and is the father of all contention. What a creep!

OK Crash, the iron works like this; it's super hot and temporarily changes the shape of your hair which can handle it due to having come from the head which is the home of many smokin' hot thoughts. Skin however doesn't handle the heat so well. Hence the pain saying, "STOP YOU DUMMY I'M BURNING!!!!"

Hey is that your MIL over there? I didn't even know you had a MIL. Who knew? Does she know what MIL stands for? My Intelligent Lady, of course.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Oh my gosh jami has it...that is totally what MIL means! Crash everyone is linky lurving u...and behind ur back I am totally in envy, but to ur face...congrats! I had a sixth sense that u were going to make it big ... Even though u made a cheap shot by bringing young college guys into ur posts...

But whatev...blog blood is thicker than water!

What the WHAT with ur straightened!

Oh and people can pay me 4 the what the what phrase...but I'm cheAper than Crash...I'm only $15.

Love ya

Heidi Ashworth said...

Jami--thanks for clearing up the helk thing. But Crash, really, like Alyson said, I kid I kid I kid b/c I love. And I KNEW you invented it (er, well, I thought you did) and I can prove it b/c I left a comment on a post last week asking you if it was okay if I used it. You said yes which allowed me to write that semi-fictional post today, the fictional part being the anger and the toilet-suffocation and all that. I mean, I write fiction people! Fiction! This post here has me laughing out loud. You are always funny but I don't often laugh out loud. Must be some kind of voice box defect. (and I didn't mean to imply. In fact, I think I came right out and said it. Fiction, people, fiction!)

IWA said...

I dont know how everyone else found you... But i was talking to this random girl i just met about blogging and the conversation led to her subscribing to a funny blog called CTDD and low and behold it's you!

How come I always choose the boring classes with normal people... do i need to switch majors?

Barbaloot said...

First off-that burn looks like it hurts like mad. I'm so sorry.
Second---I'm totally giggling at the happy German. I'm so mature.

Annie Valentine said...

Seriously, in the beginning I made the mistake of mentioning my MIL casually. It actually ended in a complete breakup and rehaul of our relationship. And I'll never write a word about her or even let the world know that she's in my life, ever again.

She also unsuccessfully pretends not to read my blog.

April said...

Honesty Crash....posting a signs like...DANGER! KEEP OUT! DO NOT ENTER! is just asking for trouble!!! For example I came to see what all the commotion was about and almost got my eye poked out! What the what??? hehehehehe (sorry Shelle...but I looooove that saying! Here's your $15)

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Yikers Crash!!! That looks bad. It is funny though...sorry. Only because I have been there a billion times.

T said...

I'm sitting here twisting my arm this way and that trying to imagine burning myself quite like that with my straightening iron... put something on that nasty burn!!

Blogging and Privacy don't go together... mostly because neither "blogacy" and "privging" make cute words like Helk and Bloggonit

SWIRL said...

I had a WOLFGANG sighting on my first day of classes and I started running over to say HI and ask about his trip to Las Vegas and chat about CRASH and then ... I had to come to a screeching hault... when I realized...

HE DOESN'T even know me!
{gasp}
He would just be creeped out.. I would just be a creepy staulker!

But it was fun seeing him.. he is tall!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OHMYHELK guys!! OH MY HELK! OH MY GAD! OH MY GADNESS, GOODNESS!

I will come back and talk to you, but I Just have to SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhh


I just had a MAJOR JACK JOHNSON SIGHTING.

I TALKED TO HIM. HE PUT HIS STINKIN' ARM AROUND ME. I got a photo with him.

OH MY HELK!!!

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post. OH MY HEEEEELLLLK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April said...

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My boys loooooove his music!!! (And I am catching on to his music too!---he's good!!!)

robin said...

Crash...I'm confused about your burn...were you straightening your ARM hair? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I know plenty of women with long arm hair - I just don't know anyone that uses a straightener on their arms... probably for this very reason.

I'm just telling the truth. (my son says this when told not to argue)

Sandi said...

My friend once burned her forehead with her curling iron on school picture day. Another somehow managed to burn her neck and it looked exactly like a hickey (thats what she said hahaha) But I have never in all my blogdarn days seen anything like that fine mark you have there missy. If that is what sparkly treemonkey, personal heroin addicted vampires to to girls who like him, well then I guess I better watch out fo'reals!!!!! Yep I am laughing at you, can't help it! you said ginormous to your class...tee hee. I hope your fang marks heal to a nice little scar that you can treasure forever, and I am waiting with SUCH anticipation to see the proof of your JJ interaction. You have had a REALLY good couple of days!

Sandi said...

p.s. Kristina is 1st AGAIN

Sandi said...

Swirl, your comment reminded me of a few weeks ago when I ran into a girl that I have known forever-but haven't seen in awhile. I read her blog every day, and when I saw her I got all excited thinking maybe she was someone famous or something because I knew I KNEW her from somewhere.......I felt like such an idiot. I don't know if that made any sense what I just said....I know what I meant, did you?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OH MY HELK! HOW AM I GOING TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO POST THE PROOF?

OH MY HELK!!!!!!!

oh, hi everyone. Thanks for stopping by.

Sandi said...

Crap..I lived in Hawaii for 3 years and never once saw anyone famous. oh wait I saw Kristy McNichol at Waikiki but I bet none of you even know who she is. How is it that in just a few weeks time Crash has seen JJ twice AND Mr. Obama? Life is so not fair.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Of course I know Kristy McNichol!!!!! And her brother Jimmy. She was Buddy on Family. I loved that show.
High five.

And I don't know why the force is with me right now. I think I'm going to quit my job and start stalking stars full time.

nevadanista said...

How did he bite you all tied to the bed and everything?

I seem to remember you saying something like,"if you blog it, they will come."

You're so prophetic!

Sandi said...

Yay for Buddy from family! I beat my hubby out by just a smidge, his only famous person sighting was Leroy from FAME. haha for some reason that just cracks me up

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Ok I am so late to the party that by the time I read all the comments, I can't even remember the post. But I am kind of in a drug induced stupor right now, so you will have to forgive me.
Sandi, I totally know who Kristy McNicol is also. I am old you know.

But I am sorry to tell you that I hold the world champoinship title for my stalking skills.

I have successfully stalked Jeffrey Holland, John Bythway, Lavell Edwards, Bronco Mendenhall, various BYU football players, both past and present, Susan Tanner, Julie Beck, Sis Thompson, Sis Alred, Sis Dalton, Sheri Dew to name a few.

Women's Conference is where I have done most of my stalking. That and the BYU football games.

So I am sorry you will just have to bow to my superiourity in this department.

Up and coming people I plan to stalk are Donny and Marie Osmond. But if anyone reading this knows them, don't warn them, K.

Oh the burns, that's right. Sorry about that. Hope you have some aloe vera, or maybe some windex will help.

Mariko said...

Oooooo, I hate those people who think it's their right to look at your public and publicly humiliating blog. Darn them. I'm pretty sure you should hang a "Kapu" sign on the wall.

Jen said...

I wondered how long it would take them to find you. I mean, now that your so blog famous, it was bound to happen, right? Because everyone knows you can run, but you can't hide from the IL's. Unless, of course, they're the type you wouldn't want to hide from anyway. What's with that?

Kritta22 said...

I say, if your family has read all that you have written already, let them read the rest.

Can't get much worse right?? He he he

Yay, were you trying to straighten your arm hair or just your arm?

HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND YOU!!!!!!!

So lucky!

I am LoW said...

The first to say helk? On Blogville? Because I was totally saying in it high school. Along with asssssprin bottle. :-)

Funny (and true) story, two of my youngin's were in seminary when they were reading and the word ass came up. My son was the one reading so he emphasized 'doOOOnnnnkeYYY' instead. And so everyone followed. Then it came to my daughter and she emphasized, ' aaAAAAasssss'.

hhehe

Oh, and the doOOOnnnnkeYYY son, he also beat boxes. He's WAY easy to smack around.

I can't decide if I am jealous of your smokin hot vampire message. Cause it looks like it hurt!

I am LoW said...

When I waited tables in SLC I totally served PRESIDENT MONSON!!!Twice! He and his wife had the senior citizen steak cooked medium with a baked potato! :-)

(before he was THE Prophet... but STILL!)

And Luke, from General Hospital.
;-)

Have you ever thought of how the hair straightners heat up to temps ABOVE what one would bake a casserole?!?!

JustRandi said...

Is burning your arm on a hair straightener like burning your foot on a George Foreman grill? I'm just sayin' maybe you could get some days off work if you make yourself a bubble wrap cast.

And the #1 reason I don'e blog about my in-laws is that they don't read my blog, but I know they would the very DAY I said something snarky.

Love your blog!!

CaJoh said...

I think you could have gotten an entire post out of the burn pattern. I definitely have some stories to tell about my Battle Scars… enjoy.

Jillybean said...

I knew a girl who dropped her curling iron on her open eye.

Be glad you didn't do that.

And I once met the guy that played the riddler on Batman. (the television series, not the movie)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Wow low that is impressive. I think the before he was prophet would trump all my stalkings. I didn't mean to brag, but it did come off like that huh.
My friends and family think I am hilarious/totally zonkers for the way I get excited about meeting people I adore.

blogging and bliss~ said...

Wow new here... I love your off the wall comments. Totally rock! Or as we say in our family you suck!(that is a good thing... it means we are really jealous of your writing ability...) Our kids say it to us when we take them in Dominoes or any other game... anyways really enjoyed stalking you today. Thanks.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

April - I think you have Tina Fey to thank for the phrase "what the what?" (which I think I've used before in Crash's comment section). She said it on 30 Rock awhile back and I loved it immediately.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Just had to look it up to know that I wasn't crazy - I did say "what the what" when talking about Martha Stewart's daughter's slutiness. And I pictured myself as Tina Fey when I did.

I wonder if that's where Shelle got it too.

I am LoW said...

Nutty- I am afraid I was totally bragging! haha!!

I am the same, totally the most exciting when running into people I totally admire but never expected to see in person!!

WV- shibutg... (I don't know the langueage- anyone speak Arabic?)

sara said...

Ouch! What won't you do to get bit by a sexy vampire? (Or at least make it look like you did)
Send him my way as soon as you're undead.

Anjeny said...

Hummmp Crash...that burn looks like you were totally high on Red Mountain Dew to feel anything til it get to that vampire shape...lol.
About your MIL, if she doesn't like what you post about her, then tell her that's what happen to people who read what other people write about them with written consent..
For Pete's sake, after 42 days of living under the same room with IL, a dummy is entitled to blog about it..that's what I think.
About JJ sighting, I'm sorry to burst ur bubble on that one, but I don't really see the big deal with him. I mean he can sing pretty good song, but that's about it for me. I was asked a while back to go with one of kids on the JJ field trip but I came up with an excuse not to go...is that bad?
But hey, I still nooove you, we good, yeah?

Anjeny said...

Shoot...I meant to write "without" on that MIL comment.

P.S. You're still my #1 dummy..ahah.

Oh no...ur wv says dyingu..what the heck?

da Wolfi said...

A french student will never be able to take my spot!!!!

Martha said...

Thanks for taking Nan to the ukulele thing. I saw Sister K. at Foodland and told her maybe it would be nice to have a little headsup next time.

Don't let that burn get infected. Lots of bacteria around here lately with all this mud. R has boils and scabs on her forehead and it's none too pretty.

So Jack must think you are a cutey or he has noticed you staring at him during soccer games. Was it because you were wearing your way nice new skimmer shorts?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Hey Wolfgang commented, how cute is that?

I am LoW said...

Wolfgang!!

Awesome!

Sandi said...

Wolfgang must feel very special to get so much attention from this crowd. I will have to ask Kute Kasey to try to spot him on campus and see if he is stirring up the women there like he does on here. haha.
I just NOW hit me that I might need to be offended that Crash thinks I would mock her! I would never..well maybe just a little when it comes to vampires

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi Everyone! You guys are keeping me entertained. ha ha

HI WOLFGANG! Woohoo! Wolfgang stopped by. See, Funny Farmer. I told you he was real. And he stops by more than you do nowadays, so there!

:wags tongue rudely.

Martha you gave me magic shorts! MAHALO!

Wolfgand, you're right. A French will never be able to take your spot (unless he starts a tremendous blog.)

Anjeny, that's blashphemy what you said. Shush you mouth, girlfriend, before I shush it for you.

Okay, ya'll. Thanks for thinking I'm a freak with a hot iron. And thanks for sharing all your stalking stories. You guys have given me some great idea.

NEVADA--YOU ROCK! You are always so subtle, but you pay attention, girl. Thanks.

Oh, and girls, lets now bicker over words. Stop slapping each other silly with law suits in here, paleeese!

And I'll sell you my words for $10.

Take that, Shelle!

And Shelle, you better watch your mouth before I tell everyone to go envy your photog blog:

plushmoments.blogspot.com.

See how you like them envy apples.

Did you hear me Shelle? I'm not afeared of you? I can even tell my peeps to FOLLOW your photog blog:

plushmoments.blogspot.com

so THERE! Take that!

Look to it, peeps. We'll show Shelle a thing or two about photog envy!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Annie, you have the worst luck in public.

She's prob reading you to make sure you keep your mouth shut.

You're practiacally bound and gagged now. You've lost your calling and your MIL. What's next?

Now all you can share with us is your dress size.

Annie, you just go on ahead and say anything you want about your MIL and your RSPRES in my comment box. This is a safe zone. Place of Refuge!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey, APRIL GOOD LUCK TOMORROW!

LY APRIL!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey guys, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna go ahead and comment one more time to make it an even 50.

MAHALO!

T said...

I just couldn't resist making it NOT even and seeing just how MONK you can be :)

Sandi said...

I'll just go ahead and make it even again. Wheres the JJ pics?????

Funny Farmer said...

Tamnitol, I could have sworn I commented on here last night... I guess my mind is going.

How awesome that Wolfgang commented! Now he knows that Swirl was stalking him. Maybe he'll stalk her now just to freak her out. I'd like to see that little encounter. haha!

Sandi said...

Ok since we are talking about da Wolf, I just went and peeked at his blog- it's all about nutella and that is one of my most favorite things ever. I don't want him to think I am a stalker like swirl,so I didn't leave a comment, but I gotta give him an amen.....Nutella rocks!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, are you guys ready for J.J. Pictures???

ARE YOU READY?

I can't hear you!!!!!!

Funny Farmer said...

Post 'em if you want. :smirk:

April said...

Thanks Alyson..you just saved me $15!!! I've never seen 30 Rock! YEAH!!! It's free game!!!

April said...

PS....I hate it when I hit the "publish your comment" button and then remember I need to say something else....thanks Crash! LYT!