Something clever and insightful about polygamy part III

Last night I awoke in a cold sweat.  I had a terrifying dream that all my drafts were published unfinished, and that I got super famous before my blog make-over, and that I ran out of things to say on my blog.  I don't think that will ever happen because I've read a lot of comic books, gossip columns and Shakespeare--not to mention a little bit of scripture.  I've also watched a lot of t.v. and listened to a lot of pop music, so I think my bases are covered.  

But IF I ever do run out of things to say I decided I will start an Ask the Dummy column.  Or even better a Dare the Dummy column.  I'll pretend that people are actually emailing me and daring me to voice my opinions about wild and dangerous topics.  The first wild and dangerous topic I will pretend to cover will be polygamy.   

One of my readers, named my brother, told me that blogging probably isn't the venue to talk about polygamy because what can one say that's clever and insightful about polygamy?  Since I consider myself a David Blaine of sorts, I took this as a challenge.  

So ladies and gentleman, I will now attempt to say something clever and something insightful about polygamy.  I ask you to please remain seated with your seat belt securely fastened, keep your hands inside the car at all times and refrain from throwing rotten tomatoes at my comment box. 

(And hey did you notice I published this post right after Sunday ended so as not to incite any anger or stir up any marital discord on the sabbath?  You're welcome.)

Let me begin. With this subject. This perplexing, painful, pull-your-hair-out polygamy. Subject. Let me commence upon it. At once. Or very soon. Maybe after I have a Mountain Dew.

Ahh, that's better.  I always say, give me a mountain with nothing to do and I'll talk about anything.

So.   I had a major crisis over polygamy when I was single and reading the D&C. I was this close to jumping ship . . . bailing . . . bolting on the whole latter-day-saint deal.  That's why I don't read the D&C anymore.  (why are you still judging me when I've made it clear I'm a liar?) 

Then in the early days of my marriage I used to play this fun little quiz-your-lover-about-polygamy game! It went something like this:

So if you had 3 wives and we were having a video party (that's what we called it in my day) which wife would you sit by? Would you hold her hand? Would you share your popcorn with her? Would you? Would you? Would you? huh? huh? huh?

The thing that always got me is that he could never fully commit to who he would actually sit by. These games always ended with me stomping off to the bedroom in tears and withholding any favors from him until he promised he would only sit by me.

Can I just say this is why I love John Mayer so much. He just gets me! I mean, not only is my body a wonderland, but I also have major abandonment issues. Fathers, you really should be good to your daughters. And mothers, be good to your daughters too. Cause girls become lovers and turn into mothers and . . . so on and so on and so on. 

Too bad John Mayer wasn't a pop star when my father was raising me.  All he had to go on was The Beatles and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.  

When John Mayer's prophecy came true and I went from being a lover to being a mother, it created a whole new dimension to the fun little quiz-your-lover-about-polygamy-cause-now-I'm-a-mother-and a-stretched-out-stressed-out-mother-at-that-and-I-know-you-wouldn't-be-sitting-by-me-at-the-video-party-so-stop-your-freakin'-lying game.

These games usually ended with my husband stomping off to the bedroom in tears and shouting Why would I want to be married to more than one . . . YOU!

I used to cry for those poor, trapped, stupid, trapped polygamous wives. They seemed so trapped and stupid and . . . polygamous. But then I started teaching an inter-disciplinary history class with this one gifted Mormon scholar who FORCED me to read a chapter in Kathleen Flake's Mormon's in America entitled "Mormon Women" and then talk to my class about polygamy. 

(This is the insightful part coming up right here):

So because you already know about my flaming feminism stage, can you imagine what a charge I got out of this quote by Brigham Young:

We believe that women are useful, not only to sweep houses, wash dishes, make beds and raise babies, but that they should stand behind the counter, study law or physics, or become good book-keepers and be able to do the business in any counting house, and all this to enlarge their sphere of usefulness for the benefit of society at large. In following these things they but answer to the design of their creation.

What?  No stupid or trapped?

And check this out.  Did you know that the early (stupid, trapped, polygamous) Mormon women were smart and strong and independent?  They were the first feminists, and even rubbed shoulders with Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton (who both made the A&E Biography's list of the top 100 most influential people over the past 1,000 years, btw).

Place your hand on your chin right now to keep it from hitting the floor because you're not going to believe these Mormon Dixie Chicks.

They were:

• Politically active, voting 50 years before women’s suffrage, holding positions in the senate, organizing rally’s and speaking out in defense of equal rights for women and for polygamy.

• Socially conscious, sustaining themselves and the community and contributing to many outside communities.

• Educated, often studying law and medicine in the East and then teaching classes to their communities and setting up hospital facilities.

• Spiritually active, exercising the priesthood. Though not officially granted it, they often performed miraculous healings.

• Professionally ambitious, publishing and independent bimonthly magazine proclaiming equality of the sexes and urging educational and professional advancement, all with church approval.  The subtitle of the magazine said "The Rights of Women of Zion and the Rights of Women of all Nations."

Is that incredible (and insightful) or what? 

Emma Smith said "we are going to do something extraordinary . . . we expect extraordinary occasions and pressing calls.  We shall search out the poor and suffering, and call on the rich for aid and, thus as far as possible, relieve the wants of all. 

Say what you will about polygamy, but about the Mormon women who were asked to practice it let me say this:  

 You go, girls!