How do I bug thee, let me count thy ways . . .

This is going to be the title for my first Rock Opera. (First Rock Band Opera, anyway.)

I chose that title because I'm tired of love. I mean love is tiring. Love takes a lot out of a dummy like me. And you know what else? Love's not even funny. Helk, most of the time it's not even fun. Unless you live in Australia.

I know I always say all you need is love (and Code Red Mountain Dew), but sometimes you need a poke in the eye too.

What is that proverb again? A heart for a heart will make the whole world blind? I live by that proverb.

So can I just take a break from my love fest for a second? I'd like to tackle the 14 movie philosophies from my last post one at a time so they don't make your pretty little heads hurt. (Line upon line, right April?)

I'm going to start with #14. You can sing your loved ones to you.

What I'm wondering is can you also sing your loved ones away from you? Because I'm in the process of writing a Rock Opera as we speak.

I'm also writing a self-help book called GAME ON! I thought I could run some of my ideas by you for my first chapter entitled, "Mind Gaming for Dummies"

There are some very simple ways to spin your words so you don't have to take responsibility for your slams.

You may have heard the old adage, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

That's a sweet thought, but totally unnecessary. You can say unkind things all you want and get away with it by adding bless her heart to the end or not to be rude to the beginning. Everybody knows that.

But did you know you can also say, "I mean, I'm just saying." It's so effective because it's common knowledge that sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can never hurt us. By adding "I mean, I'm just saying" to the end of an insult, you're letting people know that you're not punching or hitting or tripping or pulling hair or throwing-pie in anyone's face. You're just SAYING.

No harm, no foul.

Tone of voice is probably the most important factor when insulting someone without their knowledge. You can pretty much say anything you want as long as you use a sweet, loving tone of voice.

For instance, Let's say, hypothetically, that you have a DIL who ties her 10 year old's shoes one day because he's in a rush and late for tennis practice and everyone is waiting for him in the car.


Let's just say, hypothetically, that you think your grandson is too old to have his mommy tie his shoes, even though his fine motor skills are a bit impaired because he was born 12 weeks early.


How can you send him the message that he should be tying his own shoes without sounding like a judgemental shrew?

Easy peezy lemon squeezy. All you have to do is paint your voice in a coat of many cheerful colors and add the words WOW and LUCKY YOU to the criticism. It should sound something like this:

"WOW! You even have someone to tie your shoes for you! Lucky YOU!"

Make sure you lean in, put your arm around him and give him a big smile. If he doesn't smile back, chase him down the hall and out the door insisting he smile at you just to make sure he knows you weren't insulting him.

Manipulation can also be a super fun way to get what you want without appearing bossy.

For instance, if you're eating dinner and you want to eat the hot rolls that just came out of the oven rather than the cold rolls on the table, simply turn to your husband and say "honey, would you like some hot rolls, or would you rather eat these cold rolls here?" This immediately sends two signals at the same time. One to your DIL that you would like her to fetch the hot rolls for your husband, and one to the rest of the table that you are extremely thoughtful and concerned about the well being of your husband's stomach. It's a win/win.

If your DIL does not immediately jump to fetch the rolls, you should take extreme measures to make like YOU are going to fetch them yourself. This is called a juke out.

While you're pretending to move, announce to the table that YOU are just about to fetch your husband some hot rolls. Pause as you say this and look directly at your DIL. If you have a smart yet dumb DIL, she will immediately understand and jump up to fetch the rolls. Once she has left the table say, "I can get the rolls. I was just about to get them."

This allows you the benefit of appearing to be helpful without actually having to be helpful.

"I was going to do that," or "I could have done that," are the most important key phrases anyone can master.

"Do you want me to do that?" is also good, but must be used carefully. There is a risk that a loved one may say, "Sure, please do drag the garbage cans to the curb." Or "Sure, I would love it if you would squish in the back seat with all three of my boys." Or "Sure, that would be awesome if you delivered all my Christmas goodies to the neighbors."

If you are on the receiving end of the manipulation . . . three words for you. Passive/aggressive resistance.


If you're MIL says to your children, "Would you like your Mother to get that for you?" or "Would you like your mother to do that for you?" do not make eye contact and pretend you didn't hear her.


But if she says, "Would you like ME to get that for you?" or "Would you like ME to do that for you?" immediately say, "Sure, but only if it's not too much trouble."

Then sit back and ROTFLOL at her reaction.

I guess love is pretty funny after all.